


When Did Life Get So Good

by Lezbean_musical_addict



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alex cries a lot, Alex gets happier eventually, Alex needs a hug, Alex needs to take a break, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Best Friends, Character Death, Emotional Roller Coaster, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Happy Ending, Everyone Is Gay, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I Made Myself Cry, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, John Dies, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, No alex doesn't cheat, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Please Don't Hate Me, Please Don't Kill Me, Sad, The Author Regrets Everything, Triggers, alex is sad, get ready for a feels trip, im so sorry, im sorry, lots of sadness, peggy's hugs are the best, unless your heartless, you'll probably cry too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-02-11 14:55:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 43,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12937677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lezbean_musical_addict/pseuds/Lezbean_musical_addict
Summary: It was the perfect day, Alex and John are both happy and having an awesome day with each other, until they get T-boned by a semi. Alex wakes up in the hospital to find out John has died, and the battle within Alex starts. Will he be able to find happiness again, or will he be sad for the rest of his life? Will he live another fifty years, or will he not live to see the glory that is the rest of his life?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is gonna be a long, multi-chapter fic, obviously. It will be a long one, I know because I've already logged 20,000+ words for it. It will be pretty sad, and there will be many trigger warnings throughout this fic. I used some french but translations are underneath it and italicised, it is google translate french but I'm fluent enough to know that it is hopefully some-what accurate and if not let me know and I can fix it. Anyway, Enjoy!

“When did life get so good John?” Alex asked as they drove down the oceanside highway, the windows down and the sunroof open. It was the perfect day, and they didn’t know where they were going, but life was good.

“I don’t know, but I’m liking it, things should be like this more often.” John smiled. This was the first quality time they had had together in months.

“Yeah. You know what else I’m liking?”

“What?” John asked, with a chuckle.

“You.” Alex smiled.

“You don’t need to flirt with me. You don’t need to use cheesy pickup lines on me. I already married you, what more could you want?” John chuckled, a big grin on his face that went from ear to ear. The kind of smile that can’t be faked.

“Everything.” Alex smiled looking away from the road and at John.

“I’ll do my best.” John shook his head at Alex, still smiling.

“Wanna stop for ice cream?” Alex asked as they passed a sign for an ice cream shop.

“Who wouldn’t want to stop for ice cream?” John replied.

“Okay then.” Alex smiled.

They got to the ice cream shop and had to wait to turn into the parking lot. Alex felt kinda bad for the people behind them, but the traffic coming from the other direction was just steady enough that he didn’t want to risk turning. Suddenly the car behind them leaned on his horn, so Alex flipped them the bird and turned, not realizing how close the semi coming from the other direction was. Next thing he knew their Nissan Rogue’s side was slammed into by the semi, and the world faded to black.

When Alex woke up he was in a hospital bed, he opened one eye slowly then repeated the motion with the other eye, he saw he was hooked up to monitors and IVs. He blinked a few times and looked around. Herc and Lafayette were in chairs as well as Angelica and Peggy. He coughed a little to alert them of his consciousness.

“Alex!” Peggy squealed and flung herself at Alex, hugging him.

“Ow.” Alex winced, his ribs were sore.

“Sorry.” Peggy said and backed up a bit.

“It’s okay.” Alex said.

“I’m so glad you’re awake, mon ami.” Laf said.

_My friend._

“Yeah.” Herc agreed.

“We all are.” Angelica said.

“Where’s John, who’s with him? Eliza?” Alex asked. John had always been closer to Eliza than the rest of the sisters because they were together in nursing school.

“Um, no. Eliza’s not with him, she’s working right now.” Angelica swallowed, sporting a pained look on her face.

“Don’t tell me his family’s here. At least not his dad.” Alex rolled his eyes at the thought of John’s father.

“No. They aren’t here either.” Peggy reassured him.

“So he’s alone? I wanna go see him. Where is he?” Alex said starting to get out of the hospital bed.

“Alex, sit down, we need to talk.” Angelica said, tears welling up in her eyes.

“What’s going on? Where’s John?” Alex asked again.

“When you tried to make that left hand turn, there was a semi coming from the other direction,” Laf said, tears welling up in his eyes too.

“It slammed into your guys’s car,” Peggy continued, starting to cry herself.

“Fire rescue, and EMT’s were on the scene within minutes,” Angelica told Alex, her voice breaking.

“But by the time they got John out of the car, it, it was too late. He’s gone.” Hercules cried too.

“What? No he’s not. This isn’t funny guys, where’s John? I’m going to find John.” Alex didn’t believe them. He couldn’t believe them. John was okay, he wasn’t dead. Just before the crash he was smiling a smile that couldn’t be faked, genuinely happy. He couldn’t be dead. He grabbed the IV pole and held onto it for support as he stumbled towards the door. At that moment Eliza came into the room.

“Eliza! These guys are being assholes. Where’s John? I want to see him. I need to see him.” Alex asked desperately.

“Alex, John didn’t survive the crash.” Eliza put a fist to her mouth. “If it’s any consolation he didn’t suffer, he died most likely on impact. I’m so sorry Alex.” Eliza sobbed.

“He can’t be dead. He’s not dead. Guys, tell me he’s not dead. He’s not dead. JOHN’S NOT DEAD!” Alex shouted, starting to cry.

“I’m so sorry Alex.” Eliza said.

Alex looked at his friends, all of them have him sad, solemn looks. He looked at them again, before bending over and vomiting.

After Alex, and the floor, got cleaned up, Alex sat down on the hospital bed.

“John’s really gone?” Alex croaked.

“Yeah. They pronounced him dead at the scene.” Eliza told him.

“He was smiling. We were both so happy he, was smiling that big grin of his that goes from ear to ear. The kind can’t be faked.” Alex stared at the wall.

“I’m sorry Alex. I really am.” Peggy said.

“It’s not your fault. It’s mine. It’s all my fault. John’s dead and it’s all my fault.” Alex said. “I killed John.”

“No you didn’t.” Lafayette said.

“Yes. I did. We wanted to get ice cream so we had to wait to turn. Car’s coming from the other direction were just steady enough that I didn’t wanna risk it. Until the car behind us literally leaned on the horn. I flipped the bird and made the turn, barely even looking to see that it was clear. It’s my fault.”

“It’s not your fault though. Even if you had looked. The semi was _waaay_ speeding and even if you had looked it would’ve seemed like you had enough time. You’re not at fault.” Hercules told Alex.

“It’s still my fault. I was driving, I mentioned the ice cream, I made the turn. I’m the reason John is dead.”

“No you’re not.” Peggy told him.

“Hey guys, I hate to say it but visiting hours are over. They were a half hour ago.” Eliza said. No one said anything, everyone just kinda shuffled out of the room solemnly. “I’ll be right back.” Eliza told Alex then went outside.

“It’s heartbreaking to see him like this. He’s a mess and he only found out less than an hour ago.” Peggy said outside of Alex’s room.

“It’s survivor’s guilt. In situations like this the survivor often feels guilty for the events that lead up to it, or for the other person’s death. They feel like it’s their fault that the people they were with died. It’s gonna take a lot of convincing, and probably a long time, but eventually he might not be so harsh on himself.” Eliza explained.

“It’s still heartbreaking.” Peggy said.

“I know. I’m gonna stay with him, unofficial suicide watch.” Eliza told the group.

“Unofficial?” Laf asked.

“Normally an official suicide would involve mental health people. This one is just me, watching him on his doctor’s orders.” Eliza explained.

“Oh.” Laf said.

“Yeah. Um, if he does good overnight he can probably go home tomorrow, which is good because the funeral is the day after, not that he’ll want to go home all that much.”

“Yeah.” Herc said.

“Well, see ya tomorrow, ‘Liza.” Angelica said, and ushered the group away. Eliza went back to Alex.

“I killed John.” Alex mumbled.

“Alex, no. The semi-driver killed John. Not you.”

“If I hadn’t made that turn.” Alex started.

“John still could’ve died. Alex, it’s not your fault.”

“The police will,” Alex started, but Eliza cut him off.

“Tell you the same damn thing. They said it would barely even matter if you had turned on purpose while texting. The semi-driver was speeding, slightly drunk, and texting, with possibly dangerous goods on board. He shouldn’t have even been on that highway.” Eliza told him.

The two were silent for a few minutes, until Eliza spoke up.

“You can probably go home tomorrow.”

“Home?” Alex asked.

“Yeah.”

“I don’t have a home.” Alex said.

“Then what is your apartment?” Eliza asked.

“Not home. John made it ‘home’. Unless John is there, alive and well, it’s not home and never will be again.” Alex told Eliza, tears welling in his eyes.

“Oh. I guess so.” Eliza said.

“Eliza, I don’t wanna go back to the apartment. I’ve lived in that apartment since the day I met John. He’s everywhere in that apartment. I can’t go back.” Alex’s voice broke.

“You don’t have to. You could go to Laf and Herc’s or you could come to mine and Maria’s, or stay with Angelica and Peggy. You don’t have to go back to the apartment.” Eliza reassured him.

“Thanks.” Alex mumbled.

Again silence, until Alex broke it. “Was it fast?”

“What?”

“John’s death. Was it fast or? You said he was pronounced dead on the scene but, you also said it took a while to get him out of the car. Do you know if it was fast or if he suffered for a few minutes?”

The answer was no one really knew. He might’ve died on impact or he could’ve lived for a few minutes. “Yeah. On impact, if not then seconds later.” Eliza pushed the truth.

“Good, I guess. At least he wasn’t in pain when he died.”

_I hope so._ Eliza thought to herself. “Yeah.”

They, again, were silent for a while.

“Why are you still here?” Alex asked out of nowhere after almost an hour. “Don’t you have other patients or something?”

“No. Just you.” Eliza told him.

“I get it. The doctor placed you in here so I wouldn’t kill myself once alone.”  Alex said.

“Not, exactly.”

“Eliza.”

“Yeah?” She asked. Alex gave a very unpleased look. “Fine. Yes. Something like that.”

“Okay. I won’t do anything. I was just curious.”

“Yeah.” Eliza said.

“So how long was I out?” Alex asked.

“Four days.”

“Does John’s family know?”

“Yeah, his older sister is coming up for the funeral. His dad didn’t care and his other siblings are a bit young.”

“The funeral?” Alex asked.

“Yeah. Angelica, Laf, and I, we, uh, kinda planned it for you and everything. We didn’t think you’d want to go through that pain.”

“Yeah. When is it?”

“The day after tomorrow.” Eliza told Alex.

Eventually Alex fell asleep not long after and Eliza simply watched him sleep.

The next day Laf and Herc came to the hospital in the morning.

Alex had been up for a few hours already when Laf and Herc came into his room.

“Hey.” Herc said as they entered the room.

“Hi.” Alex mumbled.

“I spoke with George Washington for you last night. He says to take all the time you need to come back to work.” Laf told Alex as the pair took seats in the chairs near Alex’s bed.

“Thanks.” Alex said, just as the doctor came into the room.

“Good morning Mr. Hamilton, and guests.” The doctor said as he entered. “I have nothing but good news. You’re labs are clean, your injuries minimal, and your overall health is fairly good. You can go home today.” The doctor said. “You’ll need to sign some forms and then you can go. I leave those here, just give them to the nurses at the desk just around the corner before you go. You are okay to work again whenever you’re mentally ready as long as you work isn’t physically straining.” The doctor told him as he took the IVs out of Alex’s arm and unhooked the monitors.

“Thanks.” Alex said, and took the forms. He read them carefully, not that he needed to. But being a law project manager for the state, it was hard to turn it off. He signed them.

“You can come back to our house, and we brought you some of the clothes you’ve left at our house. Eliza said you didn’t wanna go back to your apartment.” Herc said, and gave Alex the clothes.

“It’s mine and,” Alex went to say John, but remembered. “Right, it is just mine now.” Alex said mostly to himself. He shook his head a little and went to the bathroom to change. He came back out fully clothed and ready to get out of the hospital.

“Let’s go.” He said to Herc and Laf. They went to the nurses station to give the forms back.

“Going home finally Mr. Hamilton?” The older woman asked.

“Yeah.” Alex said.

“Alright. Also I was told to give you this. Your clothes had to be cut off you and your shoes were destroyed in the accident but these were salvaged.” The old lady handed Alex his wallet, keys and his watch in a plastic bag. The watch John gave him for his birthday a few years ago. Alex swallowed and took the bag.

“Thank you.” He managed to get out, before turning and walking back to Herc and Laf. “Let’s get out of here.”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to stop and get food?” Herc asked as they made their way through the parking lot to Herc’s car.

“Sure.”

“Cool. Do you want to stop at your place and get anything? Maybe something to wear to the funeral tomorrow?” Herc asked.

“I can’t go in there. I’ll give you my key and one of you can go in there. I have a black suit, tie, dress shirt, shoes it’s all there I just can’t go in. Not yet.” Alex said.

“Of course mon ami.” Laf said and took the key from Alex. They stopped at the apartment and Lafayette went in and got the stuff, very careful to make sure he didn’t disturb anything or accidentally grab John’s clothes instead of Alex’s.

“Okay, I’m back. I grabbed you a few other things for you by the way.” Laf said and handed Alex the things.

“Thanks Laf.”

“Pas de problème.” Laf said as he put on his seat belt.

_No problem._

“Food now.” Herc told the others and pulled out of the parking lot.

The next day was the funeral. Alex woke up and showered in the guest bathroom. He sat for nearly ten minutes trying to figure out what to do with his hair. He was pulled from his decision making when he heard a knock on the door.

“Come in.” Alex said.

“How are you doing?” Laf asked.

“I don’t know. I can’t figure out what to do with my hair.” Alex told Laf.

“Want me to french braid it?” Laf offered.

“Sure.” Alex agreed. He had always found comfort in Laf french braiding his hair.

“Okay.” Laf said and went to get the things.

He came back and french braided Alex’s hair in silence.

“Thanks.” Alex said when Laf finished.

“No problem. If you need anything let me know.” Laf said and left Alex to finish putting his suit on.

He pulled on the back dress shirt, and black leather dress shoes. He put on his belt and grabbed his jacket.

Laf and Herc took a little while to get ready, but Alex didn’t mind.

Laf fought his hair and eventually got it into a high bun, while Herc simply combed it and left it.

Laf had decided to wear black dress pants, a white dress shirt, a dark indigo tie, and a black sweater over top of the dress shirt. Herc wore a black suit with a dark gray dress shirt and a dark red tie. When the three were dressed and ready they climbed into Herc’s car and drove to the funeral home.

“By the way Alex, we didn’t know what John’s exact wishes were, but we cremated him, his body was in really bad shape and we knew that if they tried to make him look like him it would just fail. I hope you’re not mad.” Laf told Alex.

“No. Maybe sad that I won’t be able to see him again but maybe it’s for the best. I can remember him happy, healthy, looking like himself.” Alex said.

“Alright. We should go in. The sisters and Maria are already here and other people will be arriving soon.” Herc said. Just then a car none of them recognized pulled into the parking lot.

They watched as they slowly made their way to the building, and Alex recognized the woman as soon as he saw her. John’s older sister Mary. He had only met her at his and John’s wedding but he could recognize her anywhere. She looked very similar to John, only her hair was straighter and she sported a lot less freckles, not that he could see her straight hair today. It was in a bun that sat at the center of the back of her head and looked extremely complicated. She wore a dark grey knee length dress, a black cardigan, black leggings and white and black striped flats, as well as some simple jewelry and just enough makeup to make her not tired from the drive. Her husband got out of the car wearing a black suit with a white dress shirt and navy tie, his hair neatly combed.

“Mary.” Alex said, struggling a little due to how similar she looked to John.

“Alexander. I am so sorry about my brother, things must be hard for you. I heard you only got out of the hospital yesterday?” She asked.

“Yeah.” Alex said. “How are you doing?”

“I’m doing the best I can.” She sighed.

“Aren’t we all.” Alex responded.

The five went inside to see the sisters and Maria all sitting in a waiting room sort of thing. They were talking but they abandoned their conversation once they saw the others.

Angelica was wearing a sleeveless kind of straight black dress that had a high neckline, and thick straps going over her shoulders with simple black leather flats, some of her hair in a bun but the rest was free. She had a black purse with a thin long strap going over one shoulder.

Peggy stood beside her wearing a very simple cotton looking black dress with sleeves that went to her elbows, a neckline that was a simple curve just a little bit lower than her collarbone, and ended just above her knees. A thin black belt sat at her waist, with tall black leather boots and a small black leather purse different from Angelica’s. She had chosen to leave her hair loose, minus the bobby pins keeping her nicely brushed and parted hair out of her eyes.

Eliza wore a sleeveless, but not strapless fit and and flare black dress with a sweetheart neckline unlike her sisters and black flats that weren’t leather but some other material also holding a black clutch purse different from her two sisters’. She hair was in a very neat fishtail braid that went straight down the center of her back.

And Maria stood next to Eliza wearing a similar style dress that had a lacy overlay. She wore black heels and had her hair curled in medium sized curls. Like everyone else, she had minimal makeup and jewelry.

“You all look lovely.” Alex said.

“Thank you.” Eliza said.

“So when does the funeral actually start?” Alex said.

“11am so a half hour.” Maria told him.

“Okay. Who all was invited or whatever?” Alex asked.

“Well we kinda just put the details out there for those who wanted them. I know a few of our co-workers are coming. One of our old professors might come. I’m pretty sure George Washington said him and his wife would attend. A lot of people liked John.” Eliza told Alex.

“Alright.”

People slowly started to arrive, all dress in sad, dark colored formal clothing. Alex got more anxious and kind of upset as other people got there. The thing that bugged him most was that everyone there seemed to have someone. Laf had Herc, Herc had Laf, Eliza had Maria, Maria had Eliza, Angelica had Peggy, Peggy had Angelica, Mary had her husband and he had her, George Washington had Martha and she had him. Alex had no one, his someone was a pile of ashes sitting in a heavy, nice looking metal box, designed to look like a book on a table at the front of the room.

The ceremony got underway and Alex found himself restless. He couldn’t follow the minister's words. Couldn’t focus. All he could think about was that John was gone and he would be alone for the rest of his life.

Alex only got more restless. Until he couldn’t take it. Tears welling in his eyes he did his best to quietly stand up and rush out of the room. The second he found a garbage can he threw up then found a bench, sat down on it, curled into a ball and cried.

_Why did we have to make that turn? Why did that semi-driver have to be drunk? Why couldn’t John have been driving? Why did John have to die?_

The questions settled in Alex’s mind and they only made him cry harder. Eventually he felt someone’s presence and looked up. Lafayette was sitting beside Alex.

“Here.” He handed him a tissue, which he accepted but didn’t use yet.

“Everyone who has ever loved me has died.” Alex said, looking at Laf.

“I’m sure that’s not true.” Laf said.

“But it is. My mom loved me, she got sick and died. My cousin kinda loved me he died. My neighbour she loved me enough she died. John he loved me to the end of the earth and look where he is now.” Alex said.

“Those are coincidences.” Laf told him.

“I doubt it. Doesn’t matter anyway though. It’s just so unfair. Why did John have to die?” Alex asked, and choked back a sob.

“I don’t know, Alex.” Laf said, tears welling in his eyes.

“It’s so unfair.” Alex mumbled.

“Do you want to go back in, or?”

“You can go back, I can’t though. It’s too hard.” Alex said.

“Do you want me to stay out here with you?” Laf offered.

“Only of you want to. If you wanna go back in there I’ll be fine.”

“It’s hard to listen to.” Laf said. “I’ll stay out here.” Laf got more comfortable on clothed bench.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.” Laf brushed it off. Alex eventually leaned over and rested against Laf’s shoulder and ended up sleeping using Laf’s legs as a pillow.

Laf let him sleep until the ceremony was over and people were going towards a kind of hall in the funeral home for some refreshments and stuff.

“Alex wake up.” Laf said softly. Alex stirred.

“Oh shit. I’m so sorry Laf.” Alex sat up quickly.

“It’s fine.” Laf said. “Everyone is going to the hall now. Come on. Sadly a lot of people are going to want to talk to you.” Laf told Alex.

“Alright.”

Alex went to the hall and just kinda stood around. He didn’t want to eat any food so he just stood there and talked with people. Mostly just people telling him how sorry they were for his loss. Some shared fond memories of John. Alex did his best to pay attention but honestly wasn’t doing a good job until his boss, George Washington came up to him with his wife.

“Alexander, so sorry for your loss. How are you holding up?” Martha asked.

“I guess okay. I don’t know it’s been a rough couple of days.” Alex said.

“I can imagine.” Martha said sympathetically.

“Well, son, take as much time off as you need. Don’t worry about anything.” George told him.

“Actually I was hoping to be back at work as soon as possible.” Alex told him. “Don’t get me wrong, I am devastated at John’s death, but now that he’s gone, all I have is my work. We never got around to the whole kids thing, so work is really all I have.” Alex said.

“Well, that’s not true because you have your friends and tons of people that care, but like I said, you can come back whenever you want, as long as you’ve been cleared to work. However I think Jefferson might not be too pleased to see you back tomorrow.”

“Is he ever pleased to see me?” Alex asked in a joking manner.

“I guess that’s fair.” George chuckled.

“I’ve been cleared to work, so I’ll be back on Monday?” Alex said it like a question.

“Sure. Whenever you’re ready.” George said.

And for the first time since Alex woke up, he was maybe a little bit excited about something.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex's first day back at work, and his first days of not treating himself properly.
> 
> Just in case I'm gonna add the following TW cuz I want you guys to stay safe so uh:
> 
> Unhealthy coping mechanisms, unhealthy attitudes towards sleep, unhealthy attitudes towards eating, mentions of not caring about killing oneself

Alex spent the next few days at Laf and Herc’s not returning to his own apartment until Sunday night. It felt wrong going to the apartment knowing that John wouldn't be there and never would be there again. He nervously opened the door and went in. The house was dark, and looked exactly like it did the morning before the crash. He painstakingly put his things away, his toothbrush in the holder right beside John’s. It all felt so wrong. Suddenly every memory he had of John and him in that bathroom flooded back to him. That brought back everything else and before Alex knew it he was on the bathroom floor sobbing. 

When he had no tears left to cry he got up off the floor and went into the hallway. Everything smelled like John. Or had John’s touch to it. Alex looked at the time and deemed it an okay time to go to bed for the night. He went to his room to change. This was possibly the worst. He quickly changed, careful to leave everything John ever owned exactly where it was. He looked at the bed but couldn't bare to sleep there knowing John wouldn't be there and slept on the couch instead.

Alex didn't sleep very well but he got up in the morning showered, made coffee and got ready. He was ready to go back to work. What else was there to do anyway? Sit around and be constantly reminded that John is dead? Keep his friends from work so that they can pretend that everything was okay.

He walked to work, it wasn't the shortest walk but without a car it was the best option seeing as how he hated the bus and the subway couldn't get him there.

At work things were okay. There was something to do and John wasn't all over the place. Sure, Alex had a picture of his husband in his office, but it was easy enough to put the picture face down and get to work. Work was easy. Work was the first good thing to happen in a week.

An hour or so after he got to work, George came into his office.

“Morning Alex.” He said to Alex who was furiously typing away at his computer.

“Morning Mr. Washington.” Alex said without looking up from his screen.

“You doing alright? You don't have to be back at work yet.” George told him.

“I'm fine. Besides work is a good distraction of everything that's happened.” Alex told his boss.

“Alright. Don't work too hard, and we have a meeting at 1pm.” Washington told Alex and left.

Alex worked non-stop until 1pm, went for the meeting where, unsurprisingly, he and Jefferson argued and disagreed and it was good. Sure Jefferson was still an idiot. But he was a distracting idiot.

After the meeting Alex worked until late, when Washington stopped in his office again.

“Alex, son, I get that you've missed work but it's almost eight.”

“Don't call me son.” Alex said not looking up from his computer. “And what does the time have to do with anything?” Alex asked. He knew it was unfair to say that because George couldn't come up with a  good excuse anymore. 

“It's almost eight at night. Go home. Eat something. Sleep.” George said.

“I have food here and I'm not tired.” Alex said.

“Well by the time you do get tired it will be late and then you'll have to walk home tired and exhausted. Go home Alexander. Please.” George pleaded.

“But,” Alex started.

“Get your stuff. Let's go. We're the only ones still here.” George said.

“I'm almost done with this project proposal I've been working on.” Alex told Washington.

“And it's not due for weeks yet. Come on. You're coming home with me. Martha won't mind feeding you especially knowing that you'll probably forget if I leave you to go home on your own.” George deadpanned.

“You don't have to.” Alex said.

“I want to though. Besides, Martha always makes more than enough food. We had to get an extra freezer just for Tupperware containers of leftovers.” George told Alex, who chuckled.

“Fine.” Alex admitted defeat. 

“Perfect. I'll drive you home after we finish dinner.” George said as Alex packed up his stuff.

“Sounds good.” Alex said, and surprisingly it wasn’t a lie.

The ride to George’s house was a little awkward but Alex managed to survive it. He was shocked when they pulled up to the Washington house, which was more like Washington Mansion. Alex tried not to gawk, but couldn’t quite help it.

“It was my father’s. When he died it was left to me.” George explained.

“It looks amazing.” Alex told him. 

“Thanks. Now let’s go inside, Martha will be waiting.” George said.

Martha was waiting, with a supper ready and waiting. She had made a beef roast, baby potatoes, and a garden salad. Alex hadn’t had such a nice super since, well, he couldn’t even remember.

_ Me and John were gonna have a nice supper, until he died. _

“George,” Martha greeted her husband with a quick kiss on the check. “Alexander. How are you doing? How was your first day back at work?” She asked after she pulled him into a hug.

“I’m working on being okay. Work was good though, gives me something to do.”

“I can’t even imagine.” Martha sympathized.

“It’s not easy.” Alex admitted.

“Well, both of you look hungry. Let’s eat shall we?” Martha suggested.

Martha’s cooking was the best Alex had tasted in years. After they finished George took Alex home, where he immediately got back to work on his project proposal. 

Alex worked on the project proposal until it was finished then started on the next thing he had due, even though he had nearly six weeks to finish it. He didn’t notice the sun rising until he noticed the sun was getting in his eyes. 

“Goddammit. Stupid sun.” Alex said as he got up off the living room floor to fix the curtains.  _ Wait, sun? _ Alex looked at the clock. 

6:41am

“Dammit.” Alex said. He went to the bathroom took a quick shower, got dressed made some coffee, gathered his things and left for work. 

Alex got to work on his project as soon as he got to his office and didn’t stop except for meetings. He lost track of time working and didn’t leave the office until nearly nine at night, and he only thought to go home because of the headache he had thanks to Jeffershit. 

He went home, took a couple of advils with some fresh coffee and got back to work. He repeated the previous night again that night not intentionally, but he didn’t mind. He had done worse in college.

_ Until John stopped him from doing that because he cared too much. _

Alex put the thought out of his mind and got to making coffee. 

That night Alex didn’t even go home, he just kept working and the only thing that bothered him was the coffee in the break room. 

The next night he did go home and actually slept for a few hours, but only a few hours before getting back to his work. He didn’t care that he had only slept for five hours in the past four? Maybe five? Days, he had lost track, but he could always sleep later.

Eventually George noticed Alex was getting a lot of work done. Too much work done. He went to Alex’s office.

“Alex, son, I need to address something with you.” George said when he came into Alex’s office.

“What do you need sir?” Alex asked, looking up. George quickly noted the huge bags underneath the immigrant’s eyes. “Sir?”

“I noticed how much work you’ve been getting done since you got back, and well, it’s a bit concerning, to be honest.” George told Alex.

“Have I not been doing enough? I am so sorry sir. I will work harder, I’ll put in,” Alex started but George stopped him. 

“A lot less hours. You’ve done more than enough, too much for it to be healthy. There is no need to apologize but, son, I have to ask. When was the last time you slept a full eight hours in one night?” 

“Um,” Alex said.

“Go home Alexander, get some sleep, I don’t care that it’s only noon.” 

“But sir,”

“No, Alex. I get that you are probably still hurting, and that work is a good distraction but not at the price of your own health. You’re on the track of killing yourself. Do you really want your friends to have to bury two friends in a month?” George’s words slapped Alex in the face. Alex hated the notion but realized George was right. 

“Fine. I’ll go home.” Alex admitted defeat.

“Good. And don’t you even think of working once you get home.” George said and pulled out his phone. He started doing something on it. “I’m locking you out of all your documents until work tomorrow morning. Go home. Sleep and when was the last time you ate something?” George said, becoming ‘WashingDad’ as Hercules called him.

“You’re house.” Alex mumbled.

“Go home, sleep and for goodness sake eat something, my god.” George commanded.

“Fine. I’ll see you here tomorrow morning.” Alex said packing up his stuff. 

“Yes. Tomorrow morning, no sooner.” George told Alex

Alex walked home, took some advil and looked for some food. Deciding he needed to go grocery shopping he simply went to sleep, he could go shopping and eat later.

He slept until seven, then went to the store. He didn’t get much food as he was walking home but it would tide him over until he could get a ride. He went home and went to sleep again without eating, he was too tired after carrying his food home.

The next morning, he made himself a piece of toast so that he wouldn’t have to lie to Washington and went to work.

He got to work the second he arrived at work and worked non-stop. He worked until seven when he decided to take his work home. Washington would have a harder time seeing how many hours he was putting in if Alex worked at home.

Alex fell back into the cycle of barely getting any sleep, relying on coffee to keep him awake. He ended up bringing his coffee maker from home and his own coffee to work for convenience. He didn’t eat much and eventually gave up on trying to keep it from Washington. He had gotten two hours of sleep in five days and hadn’t eaten anything. He could keep working if he stayed at the office and that’s he did.

He stayed in his office working non-stop. He had a bathroom attached to his office so he didn’t need to leave for anything. He lost track of time and just focussed on work. Things were too easily reminding him of John so he threw himself into his work even harder. 

George hadn’t seen Alex in three days. His work was constantly being worked on, but George hadn’t seen the immigrant. He had assumed that the immigrant was working from home the first two days but on the third things were not normal for sure. Hamilton would've called by now to say he was at home. He called Jefferson, his second right hand man after Alex, into his office.

Thomas came into George’s office. “What is it sir?” Jefferson asked when he entered.

“I know you don't like Hamilton,” George started and Thomas rolled his eyes once he heard Alex’s name. “But, have you seen him the past few days?” George asked. “He won't answer his phone and all I know is that he's working but I don't where from and I'm worried about him especially after his husband’s passing earlier this month.” George explained. 

“I haven't seen him in the past few days, no, now that I think about it.” Thomas said, and his face softened a bit from borderline pissed at George to less mean and maybe even a little concerned.

“I'm worried about him.” George said.

“I can call my cousin, see if Lafayette has heard from him.” Thomas offered.

“Thank you Thomas. If you could please find him and let me know when you have?” George asked.

“I will sir.” Thomas said. It's not what he signed up to do but he would do it because it would mean brownie points with George, even if he hated Alex.

Thomas went back to his office and dialed his cousin’s number. Lafayette answered on the second ring.

“Thomas! You never call me ever, until I am working! Lucky I have un moment. What is up?” Laf answered.

“I was wondering if you've heard from Alex in the last few days.” Thomas got right to his business. He did enjoy his cousin, but the faster he found Ham he could get back to work.

“Non. Why do you ask?”

“No one seems to have seen or heard from him in days. Washington asked me to find him.” Thomas explained.

“Oh. Well. No. I haven't heard from him. All I know is that he doesn't really like his apartment right now to the point where I don't think he even sleeps in his bed so I don't know if he'd be there.” Laf told Thomas.

“Alright. I'll call you later. Thanks for the help.”

“No problem.” Laf said and Thomas ended the call.

Well fuck. He hasn't been seen. Has been doing his work. And doesn't like to be home right now. This is gonna be fun. Thomas decided to deliver this small report to George before he really started his search. He passed by the immigrant’s office on the way to George’s. He heard some indistinct muttering from Alex’s office. He stopped and listened. And heard a bit more muttering. He knocked on the door. He heard a groan that sounded somewhat like just a minute. He waited and eventually heard a groan that sounded somewhat like come in. Cautiously he entered the office. Alex’s desk was covered in binders, folders, papers with his laptop in the center and a coffee cup in the mess too. Alex looked half dead. No more like actually dead. The bags under his eyes were huge and he looked utterly exhausted.

“Hamilton, have you been in your office for the last three days?” Thomas asked shocked at the immigrant.

“What do you want, Jeffershit?” Alex asked.

“Well hello to you too. Have you been in here for the past three days?” Thomas asked again.

“Maybe. What's it to ya?” 

“George sent me. He's worried about you.” Thomas explained quickly trying to cover up the fact that he might actually care a little.

“Oh. Well tell him I'm fine.” Alex said.

“No.” 

“Why not?” Alex asked sounding defeated already. So unlike himself.

“You're not fine. You look dead. Seriously. When was the last time you slept?” Thomas asked, as he walked over and started to clean Hamilton’s desk off, the mess bothering him too much.

Alex stuck up fingers and thought back. “I think like. A week? Maybe more?” Alex admitted.

“A week?” Thomas asked, nearly dropping the binder he was holding. 

“Maybe more.” 

“The human body can only go ten days without sleep until death. Are you trying to kill yourself?” Thomas asked continuing to clean Alex’s desk.

“I don't know.” Alex said, sounding like he was half asleep already. 

Thomas finished his cleaning. “I'm gonna go tell George where you've been then I'm taking you home. I hate you, but I have to admit. You're good at your job, the office kinda actually needs ya, and it's fun to debate with you on topics for office projects. And some of your projects have been kinda cool. Point is you make work interesting for me.” Thomas said, almost  trying to make it selfish.

“Okay.” Alex said, obviously too tired to fight it.

Thomas went to Washington’s office. 

“Sir. I found him.” Thomas said.

“Already? Where was he?”

“In his office. He hasn't slept in a week, he's weak, he's awake, I've never seen anyone more in need of a break. I'm gonna take him home.” Thomas said.

“Why thank you Thomas. Why don't you take off early. Drop him off at home then start your vacation early. There isn't much to do because all of Alex’s work now has to be checked over for quality so really there's nothing for you to do.” George said.

“Thank you sir.” Thomas said. He went to his office to pack his stuff and on the way he stopped to wake Hamilton up and tell him to get his shit together.

He grabbed his stuff then went to Alex’s office.

“Ready to go?” He asked.

“Yeah.” Alex said and stumbled his way out the door.

“Jesus Ham. Have you even eaten?” Thomas asked.

“Does coffee count?” Alex asked. 

“No.” 

“Then no.”

“My god.” Thomas shook his head as he grabbed hold of the immigrant to stabilize him. He guided Alex to his car and got Alex in the car.

Once Alex’s seat belt was on he fell asleep. Luckily Thomas knew where he lived. He didn't remember how but he did. At a red light on the way there Thomas looked over at the sleeping Hamilton.

The man actually looked peaceful. His angry, passionate temper had faded away and he was left with the sight of a calm, relaxed looking, decent looking man asleep in his car.

_ Stop that. He just lost his husband. And you hate the guy. _ Thomas told himself as the light turned green. 

When they got to Alex’s apartment building Thomas practically carried Alex to the apartment. He settled the immigrant on the couch. He then called Laf again. Laf answered quickly.

“Have you found Alex?” Laf asked.

“Yeah. He was in his office. He was in there for three days and hadn't slept in in a week. I brought him home and he's now sleeping on his couch. When are you off work? I kinda don't think he should be left alone right now? Or is there a different one of your friends that could come?” Thomas asked. “It's kinda concerning. He looked dead and sounded like shit. He hasn't eaten and when I told him he was gonna end up killing himself he didn't care. He didn't try to fight it. I asked and he just said I don't know. It's not good. He's probably sick on top of all of this too.” Thomas explained.

“I'm pretty sure everyone is working. Not sure though. Maybe I could get off in like an hour or two? I'll figure it out and text you, but I agree he shouldn't be alone for too long.” Laf said. “Can you stay with him until I get there? I know you don't like him, but he’ll probably just sleep.” 

“Um. Alright. I guess.” Thomas said. He didn't want to spend another second alone in Alex’s apartment with the sleeping man. But he was kinda stuck there.

“Thank you so much. Also while I have you on the phone, check his kitchen and tell me if he needs anything.” Laf asked.

Thomas went to the kitchen and snooped around and saw that Alex barely had any food at all in the house, which wasn't a big surprise, but it was still a little concerning. “Yeah he needs food.” Thomas told Laf.

“Alright. I will stop at the store on my way. See you soon.” Laf said.

“Yeah. Bye.” Thomas said and hung up the phone. 

What was he gonna do in Alex’s apartment for a couple hours? He looked around the living room until Laf texted him.

“I can get off in an hour so I'll be over in around an hour and a half or maybe two hours.”

Thomas texted back. “Alright, but what am I supposed to do while I wait? This is kinda awkward.” 

“I'm not sure.”

“That's helpful.” Thomas sent. “His house is a mess though, it bothers me soooo much.”

“Maybe you could tidy up a little. I don't think he can bring himself to move or touch anything as far as cleaning up certain items after John died.”

“Alright.” Thomas said and got to work. He decided that the kitchen would be the best place to start. He quietly washed the dishes that were in the sink and did other cleaning and organizing, cleaning calming him from the awkward of being in his “enemy’s” apartment well the man slept. 

He moved onto the living room after the kitchen was done, cleaning up books and binders and putting them back on the shelf, then cleaning up the miscellaneous stuff, but was careful to leave all the pictures that were face down that way. 

Just as he finished the living room he heard a quiet knock at the front door. He answered it quickly, relieved to see Laf.

“Hey.” He said as he held the door open for his cousin.

“Hi. Is Alex still sleeping?” 

“Yes. The second he was on the couch he was dead to the world.” Thomas told him as the two cousins put the groceries into Alex’s fridge. 

“Do you know how long he went without sleep?” They spoke in hushed voices. 

“About a week. Maybe more. He didn't even remember exactly.” Thomas shook his head.

“Alright. Well thanks for the help Thomas. I've got him from here.” Laf said.

“No problem.” Thomas said and quickly retreated from the apartment.

_ What the hell was that? Why did you agree to do any of that? You hate the man. _

_ Even though he's kind of adorable. _

_ No. No he's not. He's your enemy. You hate him, he's not adorable. _

Thomas shoved the thoughts out his mind and went home.


	3. Chapter 3

Laf sat on Alex’s beanbag on his phone. He didn't know how long he should let his friend sleep so he called Eliza.

She picked up on the third or fourth ring.

“What’s up Laf?” She asked. Laf noticed silence, she wasn’t a work.

“Uh, it’s Alex. I need some advice.”

Eliza’s tone automatically changed. “What’s wrong?”

“He hasn’t slept in possibly over a week a week for sure. My cousin, Thomas, was the one who got him home and stuff, when I got here he was already asleep. Anyway um, he hasn’t eaten in I don’t know how long and, help?” Laf explained awkwardly.

“Okay, well knowing Alex we have to assume that he hasn’t eaten in as long as he hasn’t slept, which is probably accurate.”

“Alright. He’s slept for about two hours now. When should I wake him up to eat?” Laf asked Eliza.

“Um, if he isn’t awake by let’s say, it’s what three now? If he’s not up by nine wake him and feed him something light no matter how bad you want him to eat lots. After the combination of so long without sleep or food his body is gonna be weak and he might have a hard time keeping anything down.” Eliza told him.

“Alright. Luckily now that it’s the weekend I can stay with him until Monday morning if needed. Thanks Eliza.”

“No problem Laf, if you need anything don’t hesitate.”

“I will. Goodbye.”

“Bye.”

Laf looked over at his friend on the couch and sighed before starting to read on his phone.

A few hours later, Laf was pulled from reading one of the fiction books on Alex’s bookshelves, he looked over at Alex, the source of whimpering he heard. Alex was still asleep, but his face looked pained and it was clear he was having a fitful sleep. He got up and went to Alex, kneeling down on both knees beside Alex but on the floor. He put a hand on Alex’s shoulder in a comforting way.

“Alex. Alex wake up.” He said, the immigrant stirred. “Hey.”

“Laf? What, what are you doing here? Where am I?” He asked and sat up looking around. “How did I get home? What happened?” He was extremely confused.

“You hadn’t slept, or eaten, in at least a week. Washington hadn’t seen you in days and got worried and sent Thomas to look for you, he found you in your office, still trying to work. He brought you home and called me, I came over and it’s been about six or seven, maybe eight hours.” Laf explained.

“I think, um. Yeah. I remember now.” Alex said.

“What were you thinking? Not sleeping or eating for so long? I get that you are hurting over the loss of John. I know things are hard, but me and Herc were almost as close to him as you were, but do you see us not sleeping and eating? No. There are healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms. This is a very unhealthy one.”

“It’s not the same though, you and Herc still have each other. I know it’s unhealthy Laf, but I don’t know what to do. Work is the only thing in my life that didn’t involve John. He was everything to me and now that he’s gone, I don’t know what to do. I know I work too much but I can’t stop, there’s nothing to stop me anymore. No one to make sure I go to bed at a reasonable time, no one to make sure I eat. No one to care.” Alex was mumbling by the end and had started crying.

“Hey. That’s not true. Me, Herc, Angelica, Eliza, Maria and Peggy. We all care so much. And so does George and even Thomas must care to some extent. He brought you home and he told me he practically carried you to your apartment. So many people care and I know it’s hard but you’ll get through this.” Laf told Alex, who kept crying. Laf grabbed him and held him close, and Alex continued to sob and Laf just held him closer and told him over and over that it’d be okay.

Eventually Alex stopped crying and calmed down.

“Want me to make you some food?” Laf offered.

“I have like, no food in the house.” Alex slightly chuckled.

“I stopped at the store on my way. Thomas told me you have no food.” Laf said. “I’ll make you some soup.”

“Okay.” Alex said.

Laf quickly made up lots of soup and the two ate in the living room. Alex was still very tired when they finished.

“Laf?” Alex asked.

“Yes Alex?”

“Would, would you mind staying over? I really don’t want to be alone tonight.” Alex’s voice broke towards the end. “I’m sure we, I, have some shirts of yours here, and,” Alex could’ve continued, but Laf stopped him.

“Of course I’ll stay.” Laf said.

“Thank you so much Laf.”

“No problem, mon ami.” Laf said. “If you want to sleep on the couch, I could sleep on the beanbags and pillows and stuff, you have the stuff to make the floor comfy.”

“Actually could you sleep on the couch with me? Before John, I’d have nightmares about the Caribbean, but when he was there they stopped but now that he’s gone, they’re back.” Alex told Laf.

“Sure.”

“Thank you so much. I know it’s probably weird but,” Alex trailed off.

“It’s not weird.” Laf said.

“I’ll go get some blankets and stuff.” Alex said and disappeared.

Laf took a seat in the corner of the ‘L’ shaped with his feet on the couch and his knees bent. Alex came back a moment later with tons of blankets and pillows which he set on the floor in the corner made by the couch. He then sat down and settled himself between Laf’s legs, his head resting on his friend’s chest. At first Laf was a bit surprised at this but it was fine and he put an arm around Alex in a comforting manner.

Laf just had to tell Hercules where he would be then he would probably go to sleep too.

“Hey Alex. I’m just gonna quickly call Herc, I hope you don’t mind.”

“It’s fine.” Alex mumbled already half asleep.

Laf called his husband, who answered immediately.

“Laf! Where on earth are you? You were supposed to be home hours ago, I’ve been worried sick.” Hercules answered the phone.

“I’m sorry I didn’t text or call. I emailed you like eight hours ago but I guess you didn’t see it. I was at work, but I got a call from Thomas, who had found Alex in his office after not being seen for three days, Alex was in his office and hadn’t slept or eaten in a week. Thomas brought him home and asked me if I could come over and be with Alex so I spoke to my boss and he told me to stay another hour or so, so I emailed you while still at work and then I went over to Alex’s. I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner but listen, Alex needs me tonight so I’m spending the night here.”

“Oh. Is he okay?” Herc asked, understanding.

“He is yes and no okay. I should go now. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Laf said.

“Okay, night babe. Love ya.”

“Night.” Laf said back and hung up.

Laf put his phone down and reached for a blanket, he covered his friend and himself and went to sleep too, making sure to hold his friend and be as comforting as he could.

The next morning Laf woke up to Alex, stilling sitting between his legs, but he was awake and reading a book.

“Good morning Alex.” Laf said to alert his friend of his.

“Morning Laf.” Alex said closing this book, snuggling closer and kinda twisting around so he could see Laf’s face.

“How did you sleep? When did you wake up?” Laf asked.

“Good actually. Probably the best sleep I’ve had since John, yeah. I woke up about a half hour ago.”

“That’s good. Want me to make you breakfast?”

“That sounds wonderful.” Alex smiled and got up so that Laf could get up too.

Laf and Alex had breakfast together, Alex’s first proper meal in over a week.

“Laf,” Alex started once he was finished his food. “Did Thomas tell you why he was willing to help me? I mean, he hates my guts. We’ve hated each other since like day one of college. Why would he help me?” Alex asked.

“Je ne sais pas.”

_I don’t know._

“I just find it weird, that he helped me.” Alex said.

Laf shrugged. “Did you want to hang out today? I’m sure Herc won’t mind.” Laf offered.

“I wouldn’t want to intrude. Besides, I have to go back and check all my work because of my lack of sleep.” Alex said.

“Nonsense. Besides, I spoke to George. He locked you out of your work. And he’s gonna keep you locked out until 7:30am each morning and he said he’ll be cutting you off at 6:30 each night until you get on a better sleep schedule.” Laf told Alex.

“What?!?” Alex asked, shocked and pissed off.

“It wasn’t my idea, but I support it.” Laf said. “You shouldn’t work so much.”

“What else am I supposed to do? I have nothing else to do.” Alex asked.

“Well you’ve got your friends to hang out with.”

“Most of you guys work weird hours.” Alex fought back.

“Okay, well what about just downtime? When was the last time you read a book completely unrelated to your work? Or watched TV? How long has it been since the TV was on? And how about taking care of the insurance stuff? Have you even started that?” Laf suggested.

“I guess you’re right.” Alex admitted. “I really do need to start with that insurance stuff.” Alex chuckled. “I also should probably go into my room, move some of John’s things. Make it so I can be able to sleep in my own bed again.” Alex mumbled.

“Yeah.”

“Why don’t you go home? I have lots to do, and Herc probably wants to see you.”

“Are you sure you’ll be alright?” Laf asked.

“Yeah. I’ll be fine, go be with your husband.” Alex said.

“Alright. Remember to sleep. And eat.” Laf said and gathered the few things he had brought.

“I will. I’ll text you later.” Alex said and waved as Laf left.

Alex spent the rest of the day cleaning, while on the phone with the insurance company.

The next day was more fighting with the insurance company.

Alex eventually fell into an almost normal schedule, he woke up each morning, showered, had toast or yogurt with coffee, went to work, worked in his office on projects, worked until a reasonable time, went home, made himself dinner, had some down time, and then went to bed. On the weekends he’d clean or hang out with his friends and things were good.

For the two weeks it lasted.

After two weeks of this routine, Jefferson returned to work after having time off. They’d be getting back to debates for new projects. Alex got to work early and waited impatiently for Jefferson to get to work so their full day meeting could start. Jefferson got to work just a few minutes early, Alex had watched his car pull up to the parking garage.

Alex was ready to bounce out of his seat with anticipation for the debates that would soon take place. A few minutes later he heard a knock at his office door and jumped, ready to open the door and see Washington there telling him it was time for the meeting. Instead he was met with Jefferson’s face.

“What do you want, Jefferson?” Alex asked, probably sounding a lot harsher than he intended but he didn’t really care.

“I just wanted to be a nice person and bring you a coffee, no need to be rude.” Jefferson said holding up a tray with four coffees.

“Oh. Um, why?” Alex asked. “No offense but, I didn’t think that what happened two weeks ago put us on a ‘buying-coffee-for-each-other’ basis.” Alex explained.

“Listen, I don’t know why I brought you one, but will you just take a damn coffee?” Thomas asked.

“Sure.” Alex said and took one of the coffees. “Uh, thanks, I guess.”

“Yeah whatever.” Thomas said and walked away. To be honest he really had hoped that Hamilton would at least hate him a little less after the other day, but it didn’t matter. He brought the other two coffees to George and his friend James Madison.

The debating got underway soon after and Thomas had to admit, Hamilton was fighting the good fight. He had solid arguments and pure facts to support it. His debating hadn’t been this good in a long time.

At the end of the day, Alex was proud of himself, he had fought with solid evidence and it was probably his best debating in months.

The next morning Alex had slept in a little and was buying breakfast and coffee, when he decided screw it, and he bought two more coffees, one for Washington and the other for Jefferson. God he couldn’t believe this. If he had told himself from even just months ago that him and Jefferson were buying each other coffee he would’ve laughed in his own face.

Thomas was delighted maybe too much when Alex stopped in his office that morning with a tray of coffees.

“Changed your mind on the whole ‘buying-coffee-for-each-other’ thing, huh?” Jefferson took his coffee.

“I don’t know why I bought you the coffee. I just did.” Alex used Jefferson’s words from yesterday which made Jefferson give him a slight scowl and a shake of his head. Alex chuckled as he left Jefferson’s office.

They continued to buy each other coffees for nearly a week, always getting coffees for other people in the office. After a week and a half of this George asked them to stay after a meeting.

“Is there a reason you guys have been bring me so much coffee lately? When it isn’t Jefferson, it’s Hamilton. When it isn’t Hamilton, it’s Jefferson. And I’m not the only person you guys are buying coffee for. Is something going on between you two?” George asked. “Not that I don’t appreciate the free coffee, it’s just, weird for you guys.”

“Nothing’s going on between us.” Thomas answered.

“Just bringing a co-worker coffee in the morning.” Alex added.

“Alright, it just seems like lately outside of the board room you guys have been quite civil. Maybe even friendly to each other. Some may even call it flirtaious.”

“What? Ew. That’s gross.” Thomas said.

“I literally just lost my husband two months ago.” Alex spoke at the same time Thomas did.

“Alright. Whatever you say.” George said in an ‘I-don’t-believe-you’ tone. He then left the boardroom.

“Is, something going on, between us?” Alex asked once they were alone.

“No. I don’t think so. You just lost your husband, I may seem like a dick, I might even be a dick, but I’m not an idiot or an asshole.” Thomas said. “Unless you want something to happen.”

“I don’t know. I just lost John. Do you have feelings for me?”

“I don’t know. You just lost your husband. Do you have feelings for me?” The two continued to repeat the other’s words.

“I don’t know. I just lost my husband. Um, I should go. Nice chat.” Alex said and awkwardly left the room. Leaving Thomas standing there completely and utterly confused.

Alex went back to his office, shut the door, then sat down at his desk and stared.

_What just happened? Does Thomas have feelings for me? Do I have feelings for him?_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex isn't okay at the start of this chapter, then he's kinda okay then it goes downhill again; what else is new? Lots of Jamilton in this chapter
> 
> This chapter probably really sucks, most of this was written late at night or on little sleep but my girlfriend says it's okay so?? Who knows..
> 
> TW: Asshole voices in (alex's) head (Idk what this is called, those who need this trigger warning know what I mean), self-hatred, and the worst of all; suicide  
> I'm sorry

Alex spent the rest of his work day dazed and confused, then left the office early putting the thoughts out of his head. He had a meeting with someone at the insurance agency to talk about the crash and John’s death. Due to how far away it was Alex took the bus instead of walking.

Alex took a deep breath and went into the building hoping he would keep himself together.

Alex walked out two hours later and was in the verge of falling apart right there in the streets. He knew he couldn't take the bus so he pulled out his phone, while physically shaking, he scrolled through his contacts. Everyone was at work or otherwise busy except one name. The last name he wanted to be available. ‘Thomas Jeffershit’. Without any other options he took a deep breath and called Thomas, who answered after a couple of rings.

“What do you need Hamilton? It can't be work related because George locks you out of all your work at the end of the day, so what's up?” He asked.

“Um, Thomas, I,” Alex struggled to get the words out. The meeting had really shaken him up. Someone had dash cam footage of the crash that they had to review. It wasn't much fun to watch.

“What's wrong Ham?” Thomas asked noticing Alex’s tone.

“I just, had a meeting, with the insurance agency, about the crash and everything, it's really messed me up and I don't think I can take the bus home.” Alex managed to get out.

“Where are you?” Thomas asked, not needing to hear that Alex needed a ride.

Alex rattled off the the street corner name and Thomas promised he'd be there in ten minutes.

True to his word, Alex watched as Thomas pulled up to the building ten minutes later. Alex went and got in the car, thankful.

“Thank you so much Thomas. I just I couldn't take the bus home.” Alex said.

“It's okay. Let's just get you home.” Thomas said and headed for Alex’s apartment.

When they got there, Alex thanked Thomas profusely, and left money for gas in the door of the car, knowing Thomas wouldn’t actually take it. He might be an ass at times, but he did have some class.

Alex walked into his apartment and it was the same as when he had first come home after John’s death. The meeting had torn the scabs off and Alex was not okay. He felt even worse after his encounter with Thomas at work earlier. And the coffee. Oh god. What on earth was he doing? John had only died like two months ago. Alex tried to find a place in the apartment but everywhere, every single place he went, John was there somehow, whether it was his stuff, or his touch, or memories. John was dead, and it was Alex’s fault.

_You mentioned the ice cream, you didn’t look, you made that turn. John is dead. Because of you._

It was all that went through Alex’s mind. He sobbed and choked. He called Lafayette, no longer caring that his friend was still at work.

Laf answered on the fourth ring.

“Hey Alex.” Laf said.

“Laf, it’s all my fault. John is dead because of me. I caused his death. I can’t take it anymore Laf.” Alex sobbed into the phone.

“Alex, what’s going on? Are you okay?” Laf asked.

“I, I j-just met with t-the in-insurance agency, and I just can’t Laf. I can’t be home right now he’s everywhere.” Alex continued to sob into the phone.

“Oh, Alex. I’m gonna come get you and you can spend the night here. It’ll be okay mon ami.” Laf spoke soft caring words into the phone.

“O-Okay.” Alex said.

“Get your stuff together. I’ll be there soon, in about ten minutes, if that.” Laf told Alex.

“Kk.” Alex said and he hung up the phone.

He didn’t bother to hold back his tears as he packed stuff for an overnight at Laf and Herc’s. John was all over this apartment, but he was dead and all that he left his stuff in this apartment.

Alex waited outside on the street for Laf, not wanting to spend another minute in the apartment. It was just too painful. The dash cam footage he had seen kept playing over and over in his head, he wanted to scream. Every time he closed his eyes he saw the semi hurling towards them, giving him no time to do anything, then the semi slamming into them, then a couple minutes of the aftermath.

The second Alex saw Laf’s car he practically ran to it. He put his stuff on the back seat, then got into the passenger seat. Laf leaned over and hugged him, and that’s when he started to cry again.

“I miss him soo much Laf.” Alex sobbed.

“Shh, I know. We all do.” Laf told him. He didn’t let go of Alex yet.

“He’s everywhere in the apartment, but I can’t bare to move his stuff.” Alex explained.

“I know. Now come on, let’s get home. Herc’s gonna order chinese.” Laf said, trying to cheer Alex up.

Alex gave a weak chuckle. “Okay let’s go.”

The three stayed up late watching movies together, despite the fact that it was only Thursday. It was their first movie marathon without John, so Laf and Herc made sure not to watch any movies that John loved.

Alex was the first to fall asleep of the three of them, he fell asleep on Laf, not that the Frenchman minded.

The next morning Alex woke up a bit confused but quick remembered the events of the previous day. He looked around and found the time displayed on the cable box.

8:32

He sat right up and saw Laf on his phone, drinking coffee and eating something.

“Laf! Why didn’t you wake me up? I’m an hour _late_ for work.” Alex exclaimed.

“I know you’re late. Late if you were going to work, good thing you aren’t. And you needed the sleep anyway.” Laf told Alex.

“What do you mean, I’m not going to work?” Alex asked, as he got up and walked over to the kitchen to get coffee.

“I mean, I called Washington and told him you needed a mental health day and he said that it’d be fine. You are gonna spend the day with me.” Laf told Alex.

“What?” Alex was about to freak out but decided to not fight it. “What are we gonna do?” Alex asked instead.

“I was thinking I would take you to buy a new car.” Laf said. “We could get you a new car, do some shopping, who knows. We’ll see where the road takes us.” Laf said in a happy tone, but it brought Alex to tears.

_“We should go for a drive.” John said over breakfast that morning._

_“Where to?” Alex asked._

_“I don’t know. We’ll see where the road takes us.” John said with a smile and Alex had agreed._

The memory caused tears to spill down Alex’s face, which only made him hate himself more and made him sob harder.

“Alex! Mon ami! What’s wrong?” Laf asked, concern all over his face.

“The day of the crash, John suggested a drive and he said ‘we’ll see where the road takes us’ it’s stupid that I’m crying over it I know.” Alex said, still crying but trying to stop.

“It’s not stupid. John was everything to you and he’s gone. It takes time to heal.” Laf said and pulled Alex into a hug.

“How did you know I was ready and waiting to get a new car?” Alex asked.

“Alex, you have like seven different car’s information bookmarked on your phone. People only do that when they are looking for a new car.” Laf said and handed him a piece of toast.

“Okay you win. Yes, I want a new car. Why did you go through my phone?” Alex took a bite of toast.

“It wasn’t me! I swear. It was Herc, he wanted to go through your phone to make sure you weren’t looking at any ‘how to kill yourself’ or whatever websites or searches. You’ve kinda worried him and me, a lot lately.” Laf told Alex.

“Oh. I’m sorry for worrying you.” Alex apologized.

“No need to apologize. We just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m working on it.” Alex said.

“That’s what matters.” Laf smiled.

“Now, change your clothes. We are gonna go soon.”

“Alright.” Alex quickly changed and got his stuff together.

“Okay, let’s go. We can do shopping and stuff then go get you a new car.” Laf said.

“Sounds cool.” Alex said and the pair left the apartment.

They wandered around the mall for a bit, got some coffee, Alex bought a couple books, Laf bought some miscellaneous stuff. They were gonna just give up and go get the new car when they passed by a nail salon.

“Ooh, we should get our nails done!” Laf said.

“Wait. What?” Alex asked confused,

“We should get our nails done, come on, nail polish isn’t just for girls. Please?” Laf begged.

“I don’t know.” Alex looked at the salon and swallowed a little.

“Please?” Laf asked. “You don’t have to get fake nails, just polish, and it doesn’t even have to be colored polish, just clear. Come on mon ami. Live a little.” Laf said. Alex still looked skeptical. “John would be proud of you for trying new things.” Laf played a dirty card, but it was a solid one at the same time.

“Fine. Just clear polish though.” Alex gave in and he walked beside Laf who practically skipped into the salon.

Alex had to admit, it did feel kind of nice to have his nails painted, he even decided to go with black polish instead of clear. He didn’t know why he went with black, he just had always kind of liked the look and the idea of it, and it made Laf smile.

After they finished with their nails they left the mall and went to get Alex a new car. He test drove four different cars but ended up going with the one he knew he was gonna get before he even had gotten into the dealership lot. A light brilliant blue Nissan Altima. He didn’t need to sleep on it. He had liked the look of the car, and the features and the test drive he took had been amazing. He was sold.

Alex drove his new car back to Laf and Herc’s apartment to get his stuff, then Laf insisted for some strange reason to come back to his apartment with him. Alex found it odd, but didn’t fight it.

As they drove to Alex’s house Laf went on his phone.

He sent a text to Angelica. “You guys almost done? We are on the way there now. I got you guys as much time as I could.”

Angelica texted back. “We’re ready.”

“Awesome.” Laf replied and put his phone to sleep.

Alex parked his car in the garage, not having done this in months. Parking was a lot easier with the smaller car, and he liked it.

Laf was acting odd as they walked up the apartment, and Alex took note of it. He entered the apartment and something was off. Very off. He set his bag down and walked a little further into the apartment. He looked around and at first glance, things were normal, but then he noticed. Little things were missing. Things of John’s. The things that haunted him that he couldn’t bare to move. He then noticed the spare bedroom door was open and his bedroom door shut, the opposite of how he usually left them and not how they were when he left yesterday. He walked down the hall, Laf casually following behind. He turned to go into the spare bedroom and Eliza, Maria, Angelica, Peggy, and Herc all jumped out.

“Surprise!” They shouted.

“What the fuck?” Alex screeched.

“Laf said you were having a hard time with lots of stuff about the apartment here, so we hopefully fixed it.” Peggy said. They stepped aside and Alex saw that his dresser and nightstand and stuff had been moved in there, as well as some clean bedding from the closet.

“Wait, what? What did you guys do?” Alex asked. He went to his room. John’s stuff was there, all of it. The bed still had the blankets on it and everything, as well as the furniture that was no longer needed in the spare bedroom. The room looked like it was before he and John shared a room, when it was just John’s room. It was; perfect, it wasn’t the easiest to look at, but it was nice actually.

“We know you had been sleeping on the couch. So, we moved your stuff in here and that way things aren’t changed from your and John’s room but you can sleep in a bed and your stuff is in here but not John’s so you don’t have to see his stuff everyday. We hope you don’t mind.” Eliza said.

Tears stung Alex’s eyes and threatened to fall. “Thank you. Thank you so much guys. I really needed this. I just couldn’t do it on my own. Thank you so so much.” He said trying to keep the tears from falling.

“Oh, and, we ordered pizza.” Maria said.

“You guys are seriously the best.” Alex smiled.

Alex and his friends ate the pizza and laughed and slowly his friends left. Until he was alone in his apartment, and for once it didn’t bother him. Maybe things could get better.

At the office on Monday Thomas brought Alex a coffee, or so he thought. He took a sip expecting coffee but got the sweet taste of chocolate instead. Hot chocolate.

“Hot chocolate?” Alex asked.

“Yep. You and I both know you’ve already had coffee this morning and after Thursday it seemed like you needed it.” Thomas said.

“Thanks Thomas.”

“No problem. And hey, I didn’t know you liked to paint your nails.” Thomas said.

“It’s a new thing for me. Laf convinced me to on Friday.”

“It’s cute.” Thomas said. Alex swallowed as he blushed a little.

“Uh, thanks.” Alex managed.

“Any time darling.” Thomas said with a wink and left Alex’s office.

 _Darling? What the fuck was that?_ Alex thought. It distracted him all day.

On his way out of the office Alex and Thomas ended up on the elevator, alone, from the thirtieth floor all the way to the parking garage without any chance of stopping because no one else was leaving at this time.

“What did you mean by darling earlier?” Alex asked suddenly.

“What?” Thomas asked.

“Earlier, you called me darling. What, what did that mean?”

“Oh. Just what it means.”

“Thomas what are we doing? Getting each other coffee all the time, you calling me darling, both of us pretending not to care about the other but really caring a lot? What is it?” Alex asked.

“What do you want it to be?” Thomas asked.

“I don’t know.” Alex went silent for a moment. He was confused and feeling a million emotions. “Kiss me.” He blurted out.

“What?” Thomas asked.

“I said, kiss me.” Alex said and Thomas obliged.

Thomas’s lips were strong and firm, but warm and kind too. Alex nearly melted. Thomas put a hand in Alex’s hair and kind of held him. Alex lost track of time and the kiss didn’t end until they broke it gasping for air.

“That was, wow.” Thomas said.

“Yeah.” Alex said. The elevator then stopped at their level of the parking garage. Alex left the elevator first. “See you tomorrow.” He said and walked to his car, where he fell apart.

What on earth was he doing? He just lost John. It hadn’t even been four months. Now he was kissing people he hated in the elevator? Only he didn’t hate Thomas.

 _John just died and you’re already kissing other people you hate. Only you don’t hate Thomas. You have feelings for him, even though you_ _just_ _lost John._

The voices in Alex’s head kept saying and wouldn’t stop. He was so confused. He hated himself. He killed John, made his friends take pity on him multiple times, used the insurance money to get himself a nice new car, and now was kissing people already?

_Selfish. Horrible. Asshole._

The voices came up with forty more names by the time he got home. He was shaking, physically shaking. He was an asshole and an idiot and he didn’t deserve to be alive.

Alex cried and sobbed as he entered the apartment. He went straight for the medicine cabinet and grabbed a bottle of sleeping pills. He swallowed multiple pills at a time, until the bottle was empty. Nothing happened immediately, which he expected. He stood up shaking, now for a different reason. He stumbled to the liquor cabinet. He grabbed a bottle of vodka and chugged, the alcohol burning his throat. He drank nearly half a bottle then stumbled back to John’s room where he picked up a picture of John that had been on his desk. He held it tightly and sobbed. He had one last thing he needed to do. He somehow found his phone and went to his messages, he tapped on ‘La_Baguette’ and typed out two simple words, before passing out.

“I’m sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger, but I'm an asshole. 
> 
> After this chapter I just wanna say if you ever feel like self-harming or committing suicide PLEASE reach out and get help, there is so much stuff you haven't done and your story isn't done. You matter, even if it's no one you actually see every day, someone out there cares about you. If you're scared to reach out to people you know then you can find crisis lines all over the internet. Plz stay safe lovies! I love y'all. <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This next chapter was kinda hard to write, and I had to do a lot of research for it and I still don't know if everything is technically correct but I tried and we can pretend. 
> 
> So yeah, Merry Christmas (Or happy *insert holiday you celebrate here*)
> 
> TW: Mentions of suicide, hospitals, probably not the best attitudes towards suicide? 
> 
> I'm sorry.

'Sorry.'

Laf read the message that Alex had just sent him. He typed back his reply. “Sorry? What for? You haven’t done anything.” He sent it and waited a minute or two. 

“Alex?” He typed. “Alex? What are you sorry for? You’re worrying me.” 

After that he tried calling Alex’s phone, but got no answer despite it saying he was active, and had read his messages.

Something was wrong.

“Herc! HERC!” Laf shouted to Herc who was working on something in his “office” aka sewing room.

“Yes?” He asked, coming to the living room to find Laf frantically shoving his shoes on.

“Something’s wrong. With Alex. We gotta go. I don’t know what happened but I’m really worried.” Laf said. Hercules threw on his shoes and him and Laf practically flew to their car.

They sped to Alex’s and parked hastily in the underground lot, near the entry to the elevators and stairs. They took the stairs, Laf took them one at a time but with incredible speed due to his long legs and Herc took them two at a time to keep up with Laf.

They entered the apartment without a key. Laf went towards the bedrooms well Herc took the living areas. 

Laf went down the hall throwing doors open until he reached John’s old room; where all of John’s stuff was. Alex was on the floor passed out, and was starting to turn blue. His fingers and lips the dark, terrifying color.

“HERCULES!” Laf shouted, concern and terror rich in his voice. “HERCULES!” He shouted again desperately. Herc came crashing towards the room. Laf had fallen to his knees beside Alex, crying and shaking.

“Oh my god.” Herc said, shocked and confused and he didn’t even know. 

“Call 911.” Laf said, and started to feel for a pulse despite tears streaming down his face and the fact that he was shaking violently. He found a pulse but it was weak and erratic. 

Herc was on the phone but looked at Laf. “Does he, does he have a pulse?” Herc asked.

“Yes. It’s weak though.” Laf said. He grabbed Alex and pulled him close, holding him like the night they slept together on the couch. He rocked back and forth, whispering things in Alex’s ear despite the fact that he knew Alex was passed out and probably couldn’t hear him. Hercules paced around as he spoke with the 911 operator, he wandered into the bathroom and found the empty bottle of sleeping pills. He then found the open half gone vodka. 

Hercules finished on the phone and took the empty pill bottle and vodka to Laf.

“He took sleeping pills, and half a bottle of vodka.” Herc said, his voice weak, and on the verge of breaking.

“How do you know he drank half the bottle?” Laf asked, still holding Alex between his legs.

“I did some snooping when we were here on Friday. I also guess he took about half the bottle of pills.” Hercules explained.

“Oh god.” 

“Yeah.” 

The ambulance arrived not long after and they took Alex and quickly got him down to the ambulance to rush him to the hospital.

“Please take him to New York Presbyterian? He has friends that work at other hospitals and they don’t need to find out from him coming into the hospital like this.” Laf asked, he just wanted Alex to go to anywhere but where Eliza worked. She did not need to find out this way. 

Hercules and Lafayette drove to the hospital in silence. 

When they got their they parked and rushed to the main desk at the front entry way for the ER to find where Alex would be.

“We have a friend that just came in, we were wondering what’s going on? He was brought in for an overdose?” Herc asked the nurse that was sitting there, because he knew that Laf probably was maxed out on being able to speak English. 

“In his late twenties? Sleeping pills and vodka?” The nurse asked.

“Oui.” Laf said. 

“I was just back there. They are going to pump his stomach. I can’t release much more information. I’m sorry.” She said.

Feeling defeated they took seats in the waiting room.

“Let’s not worry anyone who doesn’t need to know yet?” Herc suggest.

“Oui.” Laf answered.

“George Washington does need to know though.” Herc said. “I’ll call him.” Herc said and pulled out his phone, dialing Washington’s number. George answered on the third ring.

“Hello?”

“George Washington?” Hercules double checked.

“Speaking. Who is this?”

“It’s Hercules Mulligan, a friend of Alex’s. I have some rough news that you need to know as his employer.” Hercules said, staying formal and businessy to keep from falling apart.

“What’s going on?” George asked with concern in his voice.

“Alex attempted suicide. He got home from work and downed a bunch of sleeping pills and alcohol. He’s at the hospital now and the latest information we have is that they are pumping his stomach.” Herc said into the phone with a shaky voice.

“Oh my god.” George said. “He seemed like he was getting better.”

“Yeah. I guess that’s what everyone thought. I’ll update you when there’s more information.”

“Alright. Thank you.” 

“No problem.” Herc let Washington hang up then pocketed his phone before settling closer to Lafayette and staring blankly at their shoes, scared for the future.

Almost an hour later a nurse approached the two. Hercules had fallen asleep on Laf’s shoulder, but Lafayette was awake. In a hushed tone she spoke.

“You're here for the man who attempted suicide? With pills and vodka?” She asked.

“Yes. How is he?” 

“He's stable enough. I can't release many more details but I have some forms that need to be filled out to the best of your ability.” She said and handed Laf a clipboard and a pen.

“Alright.” He said and took them.

“Thank you. I'll come back for them in a little bit.” She said and walked away.

Laf turned to the paperwork. The first part was easy, basic information that even Thomas could fill out, but it got harder and it was asking questions like whether Alex had been suicidal or if he had ever attempted before. Which Laf could barely answer.

By the time Laf was done with the questions he was ready to fall apart. He answered to the best of his ability. The nurse came and collected the paperwork, leaving Laf alone with his thoughts again.

He couldn’t help but feel guilty for this somehow. Like he should’ve known that Alex was gonna do something. Like there was something he could’ve done to help Alex.

But none of the could’ve-should’ve-would’ve ‘s were of useful now. Right now he had to stay strong for himself and more importantly for Alex.

A few hours of painful waiting passed when finally a doctor came out to see them.

“How is he?” Laf asked, desperate for answers.

“He’s stable. The stomach pumping was mostly successful and he can simply be treated with medication. However it is concerning what your friend did, it takes a lot to swallow that many sleeping pills with that much alcohol. May I ask if you know why he did this?” The doctor told Laf, and Hercules who had been woken up by Laf when the doctor came to speak to them.

“His husband died not that long ago and he’s been having a really hard time lately.” Hercules answered.

“Makes sense. Now some of your answers were very vague and some questions left completely blank on the forms,” The doctor started.

“I filled them out to the best of my ability. I don’t know about some of the stuff on the form.” Laf explained.

“Alright. Well, he’s been admitted to the hospital now, and his recovery starts now, the physical recovery won’t be too hard, but mental recovery will take longer.” 

“We thought so. When can we see him?” Herc asked.

“Well, visiting hours are technically over, however considering the circumstances, it might be good for him to have friends near when he wakes up, which could be any time now. Does he have any family that needs to be notified?” 

“We are his family. We may not be blood related, but we are the people he loves, the people who love him. He doesn’t have any blood family left, we’re all he’s got.” Laf said.

“Alright. Well come with me.” The doctor said and lead them to Alex’s room. 

The sight that was currently Alex, was one of nightmares. Not the monsters under the bed nightmares, but the nightmares that are scary realistic and could actually happen. Alex was hooked up to what seemed like a gazillion machines, and had multiple IV’s going. He looked tiny in the hospital bed surrounded by machines and other medical equipment. His face was pale and colorless, minus the dark bags under his eyes. Laf held his hand to his mouth.

“It’s not a pretty sight.” The doctor said. “He could wake up in a few minutes, or it could be days. When he wakes up, don’t be too harsh on him, and only talk about the suicide attempt if he wants to.” The doctor said, and left Laf and Herc in the room with Alex.

Silence, except for the soft hum of the machines. 

Laf and Herc waited twelve hours, but eventually Alex began to stir. He scrunched his eyes closed, then relaxed a little, before opening one eye slowly, then the other like a cat would.

“Hey Alex.” Laf said softly.

“Laf?”

“Yes?”

“Why are you here?” Alex asked.

“Why wouldn’t I be here? I had to make sure that you’d be okay.”

“That’s not how this works. You’re supposed to be angry at me for not getting help. You’re supposed to be pissed that I didn’t even bother to leave a note or say goodbye. You’re supposed to hate me for this.” Alex said confused and bitter, breaking Laf’s heart.

“I could never hate you Alex, and while I am sad that you resorted to suicide, I’m not mad.” Laf told Alex.

“Neither of us could hate you for this, Alex. We just want to make sure you’re okay.” Hercules added.

“Who knows?” Alex asked, looking out the window.

“Just us and Washington.” Herc told Alex.

“Why, how? Why does Washington know?"

“Because he needed to know as your employer.” Herc explained.

“But he’s also sometimes an overprotective fatherly figure. You’ve worried him and by extension, his wife Martha because he couldn’t keep this a secret from her.” Alex told them.

“Sorry, but we felt, no, knew, he needed to know.” Laf said.

“It’s fine, I guess. And don’t apologize to me. I should be apologizing to you guys.”

“No, you shouldn’t be. You are going through a rough time, you needed the pain to stop. You did what you thought would be the best way to stop it. Not that I condone suicide over getting help, but you don’t need to apologize.” Hercules said.

“But I do. I do need to apologize. I’ve ruined everything.” Alex said.

“How could you do that?” Laf asked.

“I, I kissed Jefferson.” Alex blurted it out quietly.

“Whaaat?” Laf asked. “Sorry, but what?” 

“I kissed Jefferson, in the elevator leaving work. I’m a selfish prick who has ruined everything.” 

“How does that ruin everything?” Laf questioned it.

“Well, what kind of selfish prick goes making out with people they hated, just a couple months after their husband dies, thus ruining the fun, smooth, whatever the fuck it was, officevibe, and screwing with their friends’ emotions and everyone I’ve ever loved has died and it’s a mess. I just lost John and I’ve already got a thing for someone else and it’s a mess. Say things work out with me and Thomas, Laf would you still see me the same way if I caused the death of your cousin? Or if things don’t work, then work is gonna be shit for everyone. And my god what have I done?” Alex pulled his knees up to his chest and put his head down.

“Alex. It's okay. You aren't messing everything up. And it's okay to move on. John would want you to be happy, even if it is soon after his death.” Laf tried to comfort him.

“Yeah. I knew John man, he’s wanted you to be happy every second he's known you. He wouldn't care that you're moving on so soon because it means your happy again.” Hercules added.

“And it's not your fault that the people you love die. It's a coincidence. If you spend your whole life thinking that then you'll never get close to anyone. Besides. Herc, et moi? Nous aimons tu, and we aren't dead. The sisters love you, they aren't dead. Yes, your mom and cousin and John died, but it's a coincidence.” Laf said.

_ Besides. Herc and me? We love you, _

“I doubt it.” Alex mumbled, head still resting on his knees. He let out a quiet strangled sob.

Laf got up, stood beside the bed and held Alex close, just whispering “Shh. It'll be okay.” Laf repeated over and over, just holding Alex and gently rubbed his back.

Alex hated being in the hospital, and after two more days of being there he was begging to go home. 

“I want to go home. I'm not gonna try this again. I promise. Just let me go home. Please?” Alex asked the doctor who had come in while Laf and Herc were visiting again.

“I don't feel that you're ready to go home and be alone yet. It's only been three days.” The doctor said.

“It was a moment of weakness. I was scared and confused and I felt alone like no one cared.” Alex fought back.

“And there's a high chance that you could feel like that again if we send you home. I'd feel better doing it if you didn't live alone but seeing as how you do I think it'd be best for you to have a therapy session or two, and stay here a little while longer before you go home.” The doctor told Alex.

“What if he stayed with us for a while? We have the space and he could stay with us until he's better. We would make sure he goes to therapy.” Laf suggested to mostly the doctor, but then turned to Alex. “It could be like our college days.” Laf said.

“Yeah. Minus a few things but, please, Dr. Robins? Please?” Alex begged.

“You stay one more night, have a therapy session today and you can go to their house tomorrow but they have to promise to make sure you aren't alone often, and that you continue with therapy.” The doctor comprised.

Knowing he wouldn’t get a better deal, Alex took it.

Alex hated therapy, but he had to admit, sometimes talking about what happened to someone he didn't care about, didn't know, someone who wouldn't judge him, did feel good. He also kinda found comfort in the writing exercise he was given to do. 

The next day Laf came to the hospital and brought Alex back to his house. The guest room had been set up for Alex.

“Laf?” Alex asked when they were sitting in the living room. Alex with his nose in a book. “How long do I have to stay here? I love you guys but I want to go home. Sleep in my own bed. Shower in my own bathroom.” Alex asked.

“The doctor said it depends on your progress, but if you keep up with therapy and work hard in therapy then maybe a week and a half. When's your next session?” 

“Later today.” Alex said.

“Have you done your, uh, work? For therapy?” Laf asked.

“Yup. Did it last night in the hospital once you and Herc left.” Alex said proudly.

“Good.” Laf smiled.

“Well, like you said, the better my progress is, the sooner things can get better.” Alex explained.

“Well, it works like that to an extent. Therapy can help you with suicidal thoughts, and depression, and whatever but it won’t fix all your problems.” Laf told Alex.

“I know, I know but still. Like I said, it was a moment of weakness, I was scared, confused, and feeling alone and it seemed like the best way out. But I realize that it’s not and I’m not gonna do it again because I didn’t need to succeed to know it helped nothing. Also right before I passed out, it hurt like hell.” Alex explained. 

“Bon.” Laf said and hugged Alex.

_ Good. _

Laf went back to making lunch for them when Alex came into the kitchen, bored.

“So, did you really kiss Thomas?” Laf asked.

“Uh, yeah.” Alex said. “It still feels weird to say. Fuck. It still feels weird to not hate him.”

Laf chuckled. “So was the kiss just an impulse? Or has something been going on between you guys?” Laf asked, loving this.

“Well,” Alex said chuckling at Laf’s clear love of this ‘gossip’ “For like, two weeks we would take turns bringing each other coffee, but neither of us wanted to get a coffee for  _ just _ the other so we would bring coffees for other people in  the office, and we both always got Washington one ‘cause, brownie points for bringing the boss coffee right? But then George started to notice this and he pulled us aside and asked if something was going on between us and until that point we hadn’t really even realized it and then we had this awkward conversation and then Monday morning he brought me hot chocolate and he didn’t get drinks for anyone else and he called me darling. Then on the elevator leaving the building I asked him what we were doing and neither of us really knew. On impulse after that I asked him to kiss me, and he did.” Alex told Laf the story. 

“AHH!” Laf squealed. “I totally ship it.” Laf said. “Now details. How was the kiss?” Laf asked.

“Do, do you really wanna know what it’s like to kiss your cousin?” Alex asked.

“Gross! No! I just mean, like how long was the kiss? Was it soft and sweet or like, passionate and fiery, or?” Laf explained.

“Oh. It was like fifteen, twenty seconds? Enough that after we were both breathless and had to catch our breaths. And it started out sweet but got kind of passionate, if that makes sense? I practically melted, to be honest.” Alex said, kind of liking divulging this information to Laf.

“Ooh. Interesting.” Laf said. “So, do you think that it’s gonna go anywhere?” Laf asked.

“I don’t know. I’d kinda like it to? I don’t want to move things too fast but I’d kinda like to try.” Alex admitted, biting his lip.

“Can I help?” Laf asked, eyes glistening.

“You love this way too much don’t you? The idea of setting up your best friend with you cousin?” Alex asked as they sat down at the table with their food.

“Maybe. Can I please help though? Please mon ami? S’il vous plaît?” Laf begged.

_ Please my friend? Please? _

Alex chuckled, “Maybe.” 

“Yay!” 

After lunch Laf drove Alex to his therapy appointment. Laf decided to stay there, because he had nothing better to do, and by the time he got home in that traffic he would have to leave again to pick Alex up.

About a half hour into Alex’s hour long therapy session, Laf got a call from an unknown number, he picked it up immediately.”

“Hello?” 

“Uh, Lafayette?” The voice asked, unsure, there was a lot of noise in the background.

“Oui, speaking? Who is this?”

“I’m a nurse at Kings County hospital, your husband Hercules has been in an accident,” The nurse continued but Laf didn’t hear it, he knew the nurse was saying something but he couldn’t comprehend it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger, but this was the best place to end things, I swear. Anyway, Merry Christmas (or whatever other holiday) again.
> 
> Also sorry, I am currently much further ahead in writing the story and it's like almost Thanksgiving so, maybe Christmas will be up by like? Mid January? Idk yet.
> 
> Anyway hope you enjoyed and if you want some Christmas fluff go check out my other 'story' (It's a bunch on oneshots)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of updates on this one. I would've done it sooner but it is sooo much more work to update this fic than it is to post a oneshot so, I apologize, I've just been busy the past couple of days. As a treat though, this chapter is mostly just Jamilton fluff. You're welcome. 
> 
> TW: Talking about suicide, mentions of car crashes, mentions of broken bones, mentions of nightmares, mentions of being underweight

Everything was a blur, Laf couldn’t breathe his mind was spinning with rapid speed. He calmed down and tried to breathe.

“I’m, sorry, I didn’t hear anything you just said, my mind is spinning. Um, my first language isn’t english, is there someone who could tell me this en Français?” Laf asked.

“Um, sure, my french is iffy, but I’ll try.” The man paused. “Ton mari, a été dans un accident, il est assez stable, cependant, il est inconscient, donc nous ne connaissons pas l'étendue de ses blessures. Vous voudrez peut-être venir ici plus tôt que tard. Au cas où. Was that, comprehensible at least?” The nurse said.

_ Your husband, has been in an accident, he is stable enough, however, he is unconscious, so we do not know the extent of his injuries. You may want to come here sooner rather than later. In case. _

“Oui. I’m on my way.” Laf said and hung up the phone.

Laf took off, practically running to the parkade, forgetting about Alex until he was in the car on the way to Kings County.

“Merde!” He said to himself, he used the bluetooth in the car to call Thomas.

_ Shit! _ Laf nervously drummed his fingers on the steering wheel.

Thomas answered fairly quickly considering the time of day. He must’ve been simply in his office working or something. “Hey Laf, what’s up?” 

“I need a favour.” Laf said, desperation and worry thick in his voice.

“What is it?” Thomas picked up on Laf’s tone.

“Herc, a été dans un accident. J'ai un peu oublié Alex à une séance de thérapie. Pourriez-vous donner un conduire à la mienne et Herc's maison, ou encore mieux, emmenez-le à la maison avec vous? Je sais, je sais que c'est beaucoup demander rapidement mais j'ai besoin de l'aide. S’il vous plaît?” Laf asked, on the verge of tears.

_ Herc was in an accident. I forgot about Alex at a therapy session. Could you give him a drive to mine and Herc's home, or even better, take it home with you? I know, I know it's a lot to ask at once but I need help. Please? _

“Uh, sure, he’s gonna have to explain some stuff to me, but yeah. Where is he?” Thomas asked.

“New York-Presbyterian.” Laf said. “His session is over in about a half hour so if you leave soon you should be fine.” Laf also rattled off the floor, what wing, and stuff.

“Sure. Text me and let me know when you know what’s going on okay?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

“One last thing.” Thomas asked.

“What?”

“What should I tell Alex?” 

“I don’t know exactly but god DO NOT tell him Herc was in an accident. Make something up if you have to. Lie and say you know nothing. I don’t care just don’t, for christ sake, tell him the truth.” Laf said.

“I won’t. Talk to you later.” Thomas said and the line went dead. He went to Washington’s office.

“Um, Mr. Washington sir?” He said, alerting the boss of his presence, as he entered George’s office.

“Thomas, what do you need?” George asked, surprised to see Thomas. The man never asked the him for help.

“I need to leave work. It’s a kind of family emergency I guess you could say.” Thomas said, he hated asking to leave early but it was for a reason, an important reason.

“Of course but may I ask what’s happening?” George asked, sitting up straighter.

“Well, I guess Laf had, taken Alex to a therapy session? And then Laf got a call saying Hercules was in an accident and he left, kind of forgetting about Hamilton and so someone needs to get Alex and stuff and yeah. I’m about as confused as you are.” Thomas told his boss.

“I understand the situation better than you. Go, get Hamilton and do what you need to. I understand the situation, and if you need to, take Monday off if your family needs it. We can manage without you or Ham.” George said and ushered Thomas out.

Thomas went to the hospital and found where Alex would be with ease. Just 29 minutes after Laf had called him. Right on time. He sat and waited for a couple minutes, then he saw Alex come out of an office. He looked, well, Thomas didn’t know how to describe it. Kind of happy, and rested but still tired, and kind of pissed or angry. Thomas stood up.

“Thomas! What are you doing here? Uh, where’s Laf?” Alex asked, confused.

“I’m here to get you. Laf had to go do something.” Thomas said.

“What did he have to do that couldn’t wait a half hour?” Alex asked, quite inquisitive. 

“Uh, a work thing or something came up I guess? He had to go or he’d be in big trouble or something. I don’t know the details.” Thomas lied with ease, or at least convincingly enough to shut Alex up.

“Oh.” Alex said.

“Yeah, so uh, let’s get out of here?” Thomas offered.

“Sure.” Alex said, as they walked to the car Alex spoke again. “Thanks for leaving work to come get me.” 

“No problem. The second Washington heard it had something to do with you he practically showed me the door. By the way, why would that be?” Thomas asked.

“Um, it’s probably because I uh, I tried, tried to commit suicide, five days ago, on Monday.” Alex admitted quietly.

“You, you did what?” Thomas asked, concern in his voice and on his face. 

“I went home on Monday and took a bunch of sleeping pills with about half a bottle of vodka.” Alex said. “It failed, obviously.” Alex added.

“Alex, wha, why? I mean you seemed fine at work. You definitely seemed fine on the elevator. What happened?” Thomas asked.

“I was scared, and confused, and felt alone. I was scared, and confused by, by my feelings for you.” Alex admitted. “I mean I lost John just months ago and I’m already falling for someone new? But I’m okay now. Getting better. Therapy is really helping actually. Hopefully it can help enough that I can spend a night alone again soon.” Alex said.

“Wait, you, you tried to kill yourself over, feelings for me?” Thomas asked, somewhat horrified.

“Partially yes.”

“I don’t know if  I should take that as a fatal third degree burn, or the best compliment I’ve ever gotten.” Thomas chuckled.

“Take it as both if you want. I don’t really know. It just confused the fuck out of me and I felt alone and yeah. Fun memories.” Alex’s voice dripped with sarcasm at the end. 

“I’m sorry? Do I need to apologize? I feel like this is my fault.” Thomas said.

“You don’t need to apologize. It’s my fault that I developed feelings for you then let it scare me into a suicide attempt. It’s not your fault.” Alex said.

They got to the car and Thomas opened the door for Alex, then got into the car himself after closing Alex’s door.

“So you have feelings for me? Like real ones? Ones that are bad enough to scare you?” Thomas asked.

“Uh, yeah. I do.” Alex admitted. 

“Thank god.” Thomas said, not realizing he’d said it outloud until it was too late.

“What? Why?” Alex asked.

“Well, um, I, I have feelings for you too.” Thomas admitted nervously as they pulled up to a red light.

“Really?” Alex asked, shivering a little.

“Oh shit. Are you cold?” Thomas noticed the shiver.

“A bit yeah.” Alex admitted.

“I’m sorry. I’m usually pretty warm so I don’t really notice the cold. Um, here,” Thomas turned the heating up then reached into the back seat and grabbed a purple sweater, which he gave to Alex.

Alex took the sweater and put it on, with much delight. Not only was it warmth, it was Thomas’s sweater. “Thanks. I’m usually pretty cold, growing up in the Caribbean then moving to New York does that to you. I have a comforter on my bed, or within reach of my bed like ten months of the year.” Alex told Thomas.

“I can imagine.” Thomas chuckled. “Wanna stop for coffee or hot chocolate or something?” 

“Uh, okay. Wait. Are you asking to take me for coffee, or on a date?” Alex asked.

“Both.” Thomas said.

“Sure, I will go out for coffee with you.” Alex chuckled. 

“Sounds awesome.” Thomas chuckled with Alex.

They pulled up to a little cafe just a few minutes later, and both ended up getting cafe mochas, they sat in the shop to drink them. 

“Thanks for the drink Thomas.” Alex said as they sat down.

“No problem.” Thomas said and just kind of stared at Alex.

“What are you staring at?” Alex asked, slightly uncomfortable. He lifted up and took took a sip of his drink, which was in a cream colored mug, which made Alex’s black nails pop.

“Oh, just you.” Thomas said.

“Why? Do I have something on my face?” Alex asked.

“No. I just really like how you look in my purple sweater, with your hair in an adorable half ponytail half bun thing, black nail polish on your nails. It’s quite the sight to see. And I thought I looked good in purple.” Thomas admitted, causing Alex to blush.

The two talked and had a good time together. Thomas’ phone buzzed in his pocket. He casually pulled it out and checked it. A text from Lafayette. He opened it immediately.

“Herc will be ok. Minor injuries, a couple broken bones some cuts but he should be fine. They want to keep him over night but he’ll be home tomorrow. U can tell Alex, but be careful?"

Thomas typed a quick reply of “I will. Thnx for the update.” Thomas then put his phone back in his pocket.

“Um, wanna head back to my place? Laf says it could be a while until both him and Herc get home.” Thomas told Alex.

“Uh, sure, I guess it beats being alone at their house.” Alex said.

“Cool.” Thomas said, and they left the cafe, Thomas once again holding Alex’s door open for the immigrant. 

The drive to Thomas’s was quiet, until they pulled up to a townhouse in a more expensive area of town.

“This is your house? It’s huge.” Alex said as they pulled up.

“Um, my family’s pretty rich. Old Virginian blood money. I didn’t just buy it outright. I used some of the family money for the down payment once I was sure I was gonna stay in New York but then I’ve paid it off with money I’ve earned from work. And if you think this is big you should see Monticello.” Thomas explained, as the two got out of the car.

“I don’t even think I can imagine.” Alex said, just standing outside looking at the townhouse.

“It’s massive.” Thomas said. “Well let’s go inside, you don’t need to get sick on top of everything that’s going on right now.” 

“Yeah.” Alex agreed and followed Thomas inside.

The inside was very modern, very simplistic, and organized, sweet jesus, Thomas had all the books on the shelf categorized, alphabetized and numerized, as well as many other very organized things.

“Don’t mind the mess that is my house.” Thomas said as he went to the living room and picked up a news paper and what appeared to be this morning’s coffee mug from the coffee table. He put them away and quickly tidied a few other things.

“Your house is so organized.” Alex said, approaching the bookshelf. “I’d never have the patience for this.”

“It’s calming to me.” Thomas shrugged.

“Are you hungry or anything?” Thomas asked.

“No, I’m good.” Alex said.

“Wanna watch a movie or something?” Thomas offered. “I’ve got like, a gazillion DVDs plus Netflix.” 

“Uh, sure.” 

They settled on a movie and sat on the couch watching the movie. After about an hour or so Thomas got up and went to the kitchen, which was beside the living room in the open concept house, and started making mac ‘n’ cheese which made Alex smile. He got up, still wearing Thomas’s too big on him, sweater came up behind Thomas and attached himself to the Virginian in the form of a hug, which slightly surprised Thomas.

“Are you okay? Is it too cold in the house? I can turn the heat up.” Thomas said.

“I’m just kinda tired and want a hug. The temperature is fine.” Alex told Thomas, and let go of the taller man’s torso.

“Oh, come here.” Thomas beckoned, and pulled Alex close into a hug, which felt so right, considering Alex was only 5’4 and Thomas was 6’2. Alex’s head resting comfortably on Thomas’s chest. Thomas contemplated telling Alex right now and weighed the options and decided that this might be the best time. “Hey Alex?” Thomas grabbed the scotsman’s attention.

“Yes?” Alex asked, not even bothering to look at Thomas’s face, still just hugging.

“The real reason Laf had to leave was because Herc got in an accident,” Thomas told Alex, who immediately tensed up. “He’s fine, minor injuries, just a couple broken bones and some cuts and scrapes. Laf just didn’t want to pull you from your therapy session but when he first got the call they didn’t know how Herc was doing, and so Laf had to go. He didn’t want me to tell you until there was good news after John and everything.” Thomas explained, and Alex relaxed again, but not all the way.

“Was, was this all just a distraction so I wouldn’t find out about Herc?” Alex asked at a normal level, but his tone was small and weak.

“Yes and no. Laf wanted me to pick you up and just kinda keep you around until there was better news. I choose to take you for cafe mochas and watch a movie with you and tell you that I have feelings for you. So, technically yes, but I took it the extra mile because I really do like you.” Thomas told Alex in a comforting tone.

“Thank you.” Alex said.

“Don’t mention it. Now, mac ‘n’ cheese?” Thomas offered.

The two ate their cheesy pasta while finishing their movie, they then put on another movie, and Alex felt safe and secure, and possibly for the first time since John’s death he was genuinely happy.

Sure it felt a little wrong that just less than a week ago he tried to kill himself over wanting this, but if it wasn’t okay, someone would tell him. And no one had said a damn thing so either he had terrible fucked up friends or this really was okay. 

He snuggled close to Thomas and eventually fell asleep on the southern’s arm.

Thomas smiled at the sight of sleeping Alex on his couch, on his arm however, not so much. His arm was tingling and numb, he wanted so bad to move it but it would wake Alex up. He sat, conflicted. Eventually, without moving much he had devised a plan and started on it. He in one swift movement, picked Alex up and place him back down gently on the couch, with a blanket under his head for support. 

Thomas then texted Laf one-handed because his right hand was still numb and tingling. ‘Alex fell asleep on my couch, should I carry him up to the guest bedroom or are you gonna head home and grab him on the way? I’m fine either way, but I need to know.’ Laf responded fairly quick.

‘Carry him up to the spare room, I’m staying with Herc tonight. Thank you so much. We’ll get him on our way home.’ 

‘No problem. See you tomorrow.’ Thomas typed then went over to Alex.

He picked up the smaller man and carried him bridal style to the guest bedroom. He carefully placed Alex on the bed which was easy considering Alex was a tiny guy. He decided to just leave Alex’s clothes on him, as the sweater would be difficult to get off without waking him up, and even though Ham was in jeans, he wouldn’t want to wake up in a strange room in a strange house without pants on. He pulled the covers over Alex and made sure to leave extra blankets on the other side of the bed just in case. He placed a kiss on Alex’s forehead, just at the hairline. He then quietly left the room and shut the light off, closing the door but not tightly behind him. He checked the time.

Geez. It was later than he thought. He went to bed, a smile on his face knowing that Alex was sleeping in the next room. Alexander Hamilton. Alexander freaking Hamilton. Asleep in his house. He fell asleep happy.

The next morning Thomas was up early, and Alex was still sleeping not that he minded, the man needed every minute of sleep he could get. He went downstairs and was having coffee while reading the news on his phone, when he heard a car pull up, he expected it to be Laf but instead it was his best friend James Madison. He went to the front door and opened it. 

“Hey James.” Thomas greeted.

“You seem awfully happy for this early in the morning.” James said, coming up the steps and into the house.

“Oh, I am.” Thomas smirked. “You’ll never guess who is upstairs in the guest bedroom asleep, wearing my purple hoodie.” 

“Who?” James asked. _This is not some fling_. Jame thought to himself. He knew that Thomas’s purple sweater was sacred, and he was very picky about it.

“Alexander Hamilton.” Thomas absolutely beamed.

“As in, Alexander Hamilton from our office? The one who you used to hate but then developed a crush on? The same guy who once covered your entire cubical in sticky notes? The same guy whose car you once cling wrapped? The guy who covered your car in shaving cream as pay back for the cling wrap? Alexander Hamilton?” Madison asked.

“Yup.” Thomas said.

“Hey, what’s up with him and this? You leave work early yesterday then you have Hamilton, who hasn’t been to work in a week which is odd in itself, over for a sleepover.” 

“I really shouldn’t say. I’ll put it this way, Laf needed a favour and I was more than willing to help my cousin out.” Thomas summed it up.

“Must be some deep shit if you don’t wanna tell even me, your best friend." James teased, but it fell flat.

“It is. This isn’t something you need to know, just don't worry about it. Now are you gonna tell me why you’re here so early?” Thomas was the one asking questions now.

“Oh, well I was just bringing these over, because you need them for the project we are finishing up on, and also to tell you know that I really hope that you, and Ham, are back on Monday because work will be well, not fun. John Adams will take over for you and Ham if neither of you are back Monday.” James explained.

“I’ll be back, I don’t know about Alex, but I will be.” Thomas promised.

“Alright.” James said. “Well, I gotta go. There’s the stuff you need.” James placed two thin binders on one of the many tables, and table like things near the entryway, then showed himself out, calling good bye over his shoulder.

Thomas waved goodbye as the door shut, then once it was he took the binders and put them in his home office, on the desk. He then wandered to the kitchen and decided to make Alex and himself breakfast. He was about to pour pancake batter into the hot pan, when he heard a loud thump upstairs. He shut the stove off and abandoned the pancakes, running upstairs as fast as he could. His long, lean, legs carrying him up the stairs quite quickly. As he got closer he also heard that Alex was screaming.

He went to the guest room and saw Alex on the floor tangled in blankets fighting something that wasn’t there, then it occurred to him that Ham was having a nightmare. He went over to the smaller man and gently shook him, but got nothing.

“Alex, wake up, you’re having a nightmare.” He said soothingly but eventually had to resort to shouting Alex’s name. Alex woke up, and sat up, a thin layer of sweat coated his forehead.

“Thomas, what happened?” Alex asked, confused as to why he was on the floor.

“You were having a nightmare and you fell off the bed, you looked pretty restless. You wanna talk about the nightmare?” Thomas asked.

“Not really. I have these nightmares lots. Mostly about the hurricane, but sometimes my mother too. I’ve learned to cope with them.” Alex summed it up.

“Oh. Well, if you want to come down stairs I was about to start making pancakes.” Thomas said.

“Can I use the washroom first?”

“Of course. Door to your left, same side of the hall.” Thomas told Alex and watched him leave the room, before tossing the blankets back onto the bed because he could fix it later. 

Thomas then went to the kitchen and turned the stove back on. Alex came back down a minute or so later. Thomas was slightly disappointed to see Alex had taken the purple sweater off.

“How did you sleep minus the nightmare?” Thomas asked as Alex took a seat at the breakfast bar.

“Good actually. That bed is comfier than my bed at home.” Alex chuckled .

“Well, I’m glad you slept well.” Thomas smiled.

Many pancakes later, things were about to get awkward when Laf and Herc showed up to get Alex.

Alex went gathered the few small things he had at Thomas’s house, while Thomas greeted Laf at the door. 

“Hey.” Thomas said.

“Hi. Thank you again for all of this. Leaving work early to get Alex, taking care of him, practically babysitting him for me. Thank you so much.” Laf told Thomas.

“No problem. We had fun. We watched a couple of movies, had dinner, he fell asleep on my arm and I had to carry him up to the spare bedroom but it was fine. He’s not just tiny but he’s as light as a feather I swear, mama would not approve. He had a nightmare but he says those are common so, yeah. We had pancakes and he ate lots which I’m thankful for. We had fun it really wasn’t a problem.”

“Thank you for the report,” Lafayette chuckled. “And yes, it’s good that he ate lots. You’re right, Auntie Jane would NOT approve of his weight. Neither would grandma. Martha Washington has met him and she too doesn’t feel he’s the right weight.” Laf said.

“Then again, Martha Washington, Ma, and grandma always want to feed people and no one is ever a good weight. But Alex really is very light. Like too light.”

“Oh well, it’s something that can be worked on.” Laf said and that’s when Alex came to the entryway.

“Hey Laf.” 

“Hi. Sorry about yesterday mon ami. I just got so worried about Herc I didn’t think.” Laf apologized.

“It’s okay. I’m sure I’d have done the same thing.” Alex said. “How is Herc by the way?” Alex asked.

“Broken leg, cracked a couple ribs on his left side, various cuts and bruises but nothing too serious, heck, if he really wanted he could continue to work, not that I’m gonna let him.” Laf told Alex.

“That’s good, that he's okay.” Alex said.

“Yes. Very lucky.” Thomas said.

“Well, we should go Herc wants to get home. C’mon Alex.”

“Uh, bye Thomas.” Alex said, and nervously gave Thomas a quick hug, that Thomas barely had time to return before Alex pulled away and followed Laf out the door. “Hopefully I’ll be back at work Monday or Tuesday. I’ll bring coffee.” Alex said.

“Sounds, good I look forward to it.” Thomas smiled and watched at Alex got into Laf’s car and drove away.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of friend-fluff in this one. We get to see The Sisters and Maria again in this one. Alex tells the girls about the suicide attempt and then Laf get's a somewhat evil idea at the end of the chapter. Enjoy!
> 
> TW: Talking about suicide attempts
> 
> Also Merry Christmas for anyone who celebrates Ukrainian Christmas!

“So Alex, what happened last night?” Herc teased.

“Nothing. He picked me up, we grabbed some coffee on the way back to his house, we watched a couple movies, had mac ‘n’ cheese for dinner then I fell asleep.” Alex said.

“Yeah, on Thomas’s shoulder.” Laf added.

“Ooh.” Herc said, trying to bug Alex.

“It was nothing! I fall asleep literally anywhere, on practically anyone! Eliza, Peggy, Angelica, Maria once or twice, John like every fucking time we cuddled unless he fell asleep first and I’d still fall asleep on him. Your husband,YOU.” Alex rattled off the names of people he had fallen asleep on.

“I guess you’re right. However there is one thing.” Alex said. “I borrowed his sweater.” Alex got a little excited.

“Which one? He has like seventeen.” Laf asked.

“Just some dark purple pullover, at one time it may have had some writing on the front but it was pretty faded. It was waaay too big on me but it was cool, got the job done.” Alex shrugged it off.

“His purple hoodie? He let you wear his purple hoodie?” Laf’s eyes widened.

“Yeah. Why?” Alex asked.

“No one gets to wear his purple hoodie. He’s had it since forever. He once got dumped by his girlfriend at the time because he wouldn’t let anyone touch that thing. He doesn’t let just anyone touch that. The only person who’s allowed to wash that thing is him and his mom and like nobody but him has ever worn it. Maybe one other person, and that was a younger sibling.” Laf explained.

“Oh wow.” Alex said. “I didn’t even realize. I just mentioned I was cold in the car and he turned up the heat and just gave it to me. I slept in it and everything. I didn’t think much of it.” Alex said.

“Well, you know what that means.” Laf said. “You are very special to him.”

“Sounds like it. Thomas has zero problems sharing his clothes minus that stupid sweater. Laf has like seven of Thomas’s T-shirts sitting in a bag waiting to be returned and multiple ties and stuff. It’s borderline weird how comfortable he is with sharing clothes.” Herc told Alex.

“Well, this has been a confidence boost slash new worry that Thomas likes me too much.” Alex said.

“Oh, take it as a compliment. The highest possible compliment a person can get. It’s be like getting told you are a genius by Albert Einstein or something.” Laf said. “Thomas must have it bad for you.”

“I guess so.” Alex said with a bit of a smile.

The rest of the day wasn’t too bad, Herc had some trouble getting around the apartment and stuff on crutches and got slightly ticked when he couldn’t be his typical mom-friend self, but he’d be okay and that’s what mattered to Alex and Laf.

 

On Sunday Maria and The Sisters came over and Alex was kinda nervous about it. They didn’t know what’d happened and this was gonna look weird, but he didn’t want them to have to know because they’d fuss over him.

“Laf?” Alex asked as they were tidying up a little before the girls got there.

“Oui mon ami?”

 _Yes my friend?_  

“Um, can we not tell the girls the real reason why I’m staying here? Can we just say that it’s so I can help with Herc or something? I don’t want them to know.” Alex admitted.

“We don’t have to, no. We could say it's ‘cause of Herc, but if they know then you have an even bigger support system which would be a good thing. Me and Herc love you to bits Alex, but I don’t know if we are enough.” Laf told Alex.

“How about this? If they notice and ask, I’ll tell the truth if the mood isn’t too happy to begin with, but if they don’t then we just say nothing?” Alex asked. “Like, if they ask if I’m staying here I’ll just say yeah or whatever but if they asked _why_ I’m staying then I’ll tell them, if it won’t completely ruin the mood.” Alex clarified.

“Sounds d’acc.” Laf said.

_Sounds, ok._

The girls got there not too much later.

“Hey guys.” Alex greeted them while they took off their shoes and coats.

“Hey! I didn’t think you were here yet! I didn’t see your car in the parkade.” Eliza said happily. She came over and hugged him.

“I walked.” Alex lied, hugging Eliza back.

“What? Alex it’s raining outside. You hate rain and storms and yet you walked here? Also your clothes are dry.” Angelica quickly noticed and pointed it out.

“Uh.” Alex felt caught until Laf saved him.

“Why don’t you guys come inside? I’m making popcorn and we got lots of movies!” Laf said. “Also Herc is already feeling household bound or whatever it is.”

“It's housebound, I am not!” Herc shouted from the living room.

“Keep telling yourself that.” Alex called back to bug his friend.

The 7 of them all piled onto the couch and surrounding floor and the movies started, however said movies didn’t hold the group’s attention for long.

“So Herc how long are you gonna need the cast?” Eliza asked.

“They said just the standard six weeks. Luckily the fracture wasn’t too bad. Hell, the whole crash wasn’t horrible. They only kept me one night for observation.” Herc told her.

“Good.” Peggy said.

“Yeah, healthcare is too expensive.” Angelica said.

Alex groaned. “Can we please not get into politics?” Alex asked.

“Alex has a point.” Maria defended him.

“Yeah.” Herc agreed.

“So, Peggy, Alex, anything on the relationship side of things?” Maria asked.

“Maria he just lost John a couple months ago.” Peggy told her in the hopes of dropping the conversation completely.

“Actually, there is something.” Alex said.

Maria gasped. “Spill, come on. Tell me everything.” Maria said. “Who?” She asked when Alex looked overwhelmed.

“Uh, do you know Laf’s cousin Thomas?” Alex asked, biting his bottom lip and blushing a little.

“Laf’s cousin Thomas? As in Laf’s cousin Thomas who works with you? The one you hated a couple months ago?” Maria asked.

“Yes.” Alex blushed even harder.

“Ugh. What happened? What made you go from hating him to liking him? I need details.” Maria whined and begged.

“Well, I had overworked myself by a lot and Washington, made?, Thomas take me home and stuff and I just, I don't know what exactly happened but he showed kindness and caring I guess and I couldn't really hate him anymore. Then we started doing this thing where we would bring coffee for each other and others in the office because we didn't want to go as far as just getting coffee for each other I think because we just didn't want to admit that we no longer hated each other.” Alex explained.

“Is that all?” Maria coaxed.

“No.” Alex smiled.

“Tell.” Maria commanded.

“Well, we both kept getting coffee for Washington and he noticed and pulled us aside one day and asked if anything was going on and we said no but then we kinda talked and had an awkward conversation and that was a mess. Then like, a couple days later after I had that meeting with the insurance agency and spent the weekend with Laf and stuff, Thomas brought me hot chocolate, complimented me on my nails, and called me darling.”

Maria gasped and giggled a little.

“Then later that day we were alone on a lengthy elevator ride and I asked him what he’d meant by darling, and he said just what it meant and then we kissed.”

“Ah!” Peggy squealed.

“So anything this from last week? Or are you guys being childish again?” Maria asked.

“Well the other night we,” Then Alex stopped himself. If the girls weren’t gonna know he couldn’t tell them about Friday night, but it was probably too late now.

“You?” Eliza prompted.

“Um.” Alex looked helpless. “Well, uh, when we found out Herc was in the accident I was doing stuff, with Laf and uh, Laf found out and he kinda left me and I ended up spending the night with Thomas. He picked me up and we went for coffee then we went back to his house and watched movies and he let me borrow this sweater of his that he apparently has like issues with sharing or something I guess. And I fell asleep on his shoulder so he carried me to bed and in the morning we had pancakes and it was nice.” Alex tried to distract the girls with the new information.

“Why couldn’t you just like, take your car home? What were you and Laf even doing that you weren’t actually together? Alex the plot holes in that story are like a wrecking ball through the wall if the wall was that story.” Angelica asked.

“Well, um. Uh.” Alex struggled. He really didn’t want to explain this to the sisters. Alex tried to think of how to avoid it, but when he realized Angelica wouldn’t let this go very easily he struggled to try and figure out where to start. He looked around the room at his friends and ended up pulling his knees to his chest, and his head down, silent tears now pouring, Laf went over to him, and put a hand on the scotsman’s back.

“Alex, do you want me to explain to them? Angelica isn’t gonna let this go and you’re clearly not ready to explain this to them.” Laf whispered to Alex.

“No. Just give me a minute.” Alex said. Alex did his best to calm himself.

“Alright. Let me know if you need help.” Laf said. Alex nodded. He took a deep breath and looked up.

“Um, on Monday, the day I kissed Jefferson, uh, it really messed me up. I was feeling like shit and really low and it was a really bad day for me mentally and the kiss left me in a not good place. I ended up taking half a bottle of sleeping pills as well as a bunch of vodka, with, with the intention of killing myself.” Alex said, his voice small at the end.

He looked his friends, mostly the girls, who all looked slightly horrified, sad, and disheartened.

“The only reason I was allowed to leave the hospital so soon was because I promised to stay with Laf and Herc until I’m mentally stable or whatever again. On Friday I was at therapy and Laf had taken me because part of the thing was that I wouldn’t be allowed to be alone in a situation where I could try anything again. I was in the middle of the session when Laf got the call and in a panicked worry he kinda forgot me so I was all the way at New York Presbyterian alone and Laf called Thomas to pick me up and take care of me and stuff and yeah. That’s the story.” Alex finished.

Eliza looked so sad. “Oh Alex.” She mumbled.

Maria had tears in her eyes, she asked. “Why didn’t you just reach out your hand to one of us? Someone would’ve come running.”

“I’m sorry guys, I’m really sorry guys I should’ve done that, but I didn’t. I’m so sorry.” Alex apologized.

“You shouldn’t be apologizing. We should be, especially us girls. We haven’t been here for you nearly enough, right when you needed us most. We should’ve been there for you. You shouldn’t have felt the need to do that because you should’ve felt that you could reach out to us. I’m sorry.” Angelica said.

Peggy simply reached over and latched onto Alex, hugging him tightly. It took Alex a second, but he then wrapped his arms around her too and hugged her back.

God it felt good hugging Peggy like this. He had always loved her like a little sister, and she honestly was the little sister of the group, not just because she was younger but because she was the tiniest, not much smaller than Alex, but still smaller and she was the most sweet and kind hearted of the group. It was so comforting and Alex couldn’t really describe it, it just was comforting. Peggy ended up practically sitting on Alex’s lap, which he found comfort in.

“Uh, thanks guys? I mean, it’s not really your fault, but thanks. It means a lot that you guys care so much.” Alex said.

“No problem. We all love you and care about you so much.” Eliza said.

“So you and Thomas are really a thing?” Maria asked so they could get the topic back to something happier.

“I think so? I want it to be. But we haven’t really discussed it, so I don’t know.” Alex said. He then turned back to the TV suddenly interested by something.

Laf looked around at the others with an evil-idea look in his eyes. He held up his phone with Thomas’ contact page open, pointing from his phone to the floor, meaning the apartment.

The others all kinda looked around and nodded. Laf nodded and started typing out a text to his cousin, then before putting his phone away he made a group chat with him, Herc, Maria, and The Sisters, titled ‘The Jamilton Shippers’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did anyone notice the DEH references in here? *Eyebrow wiggle*


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I accidentally posted the same chapter twice. -_- @ myself. So this is the real chapter 8, I promise; to make up for the unplanned screw up, this chapter is longer than usual, normally chapters are 10-12 pages on the app I use for writing, this one is 14 pages.
> 
> The Girls! Group chat! Sarah Mulligan (Hercules' mom) makes an appearance and she is The Cool Caring Mom (TM) I borrowed some stuff from DEH again, not gonna lie.
> 
> TW: Panic attacks, mentions of depression anxiety disorders and PTSD, mentions of attempted suicide
> 
> Group chat names (even tho some of these r obvious):  
> -fOrgOTtEnoNe - Peggy  
> -takingabreak - Eliza  
> -La_Baguette - Lafayette  
> -staaay_im_lonely - Maria  
> -biggestteddybear - Hercules  
> -THEmindatwork - Angelica  
> -macncheese<3 - Thomas
> 
> Also, at one point Laf calls Alex 'mon chou' which translates to 'my cabbage' and it sounds weird but it's a french term of endearment, kinda like in English some times we call people sweetpea or something

  |  fOrgOTtEnoNe: What is this? What’s Jamilton?

  |  takingabreak: Yeah, um??

  |  La_Baguette: It’s a group chat for us to talk about taking care of Alex and getting him with thomas

  |  La_Baguette: Jamilton is their ship name

  |  staaay_im_lonely: Ohh

  |  biggestteddybear: Makes sense

  |  THEmindatwork: So is Thomas coming?

  |  La_Baguette: Idk yet

Laf’s phone suddenly vibrated in his hand and the message notification popped up. Laf tapped on the new message from 'macncheese<3'.

  |  macncheese<3: Idk, who’s there?

La_Baguette: Me, herc, maria, The Sisters, alex *hint hint, nudge nudge, ;) ;) *

  |  macncheese<3: What’s going on? If it’s some squad thing I wouldn’t want to intrude

La_Baguette: We r just watching movies

  |  La_Baguette: Plz come?

  |  macncheese<3: Fine. I’ll be there in 10

  |  La_Baguette: Yay! Sys

Laf switched back to the group chat.

  |  La_Baguette: He’s coming over

  |  staaay_im_lonely: Yass

  |  fOrgOTtEnoNe: This is gonna get cute!

Thomas arrived nearly twenty minutes later and Laf was gonna be pissed off, but when he answered the door and saw Thomas brought ice cream, he couldn’t stay angry.

“I was going to be mad, but you brought ice cream mon ami. I cannot stay angry with you.” Laf said as he answered the door.

“I was driving here and I just suddenly thought about ice cream, so I brought ice cream I guess. Uh, here.” Thomas handed over the 4 litre pail of ice cream.

“Thomas is here and he brought ice cream!” Laf said excitedly as he took the ice cream to the kitchen.

Alex automatically sat up in the living room at the mention of Thomas.

 _Laf you sneaky bastard._ Alex thought to himself as he stood up to go see Thomas.

“H-hey Thomas.” Alex said as he entered the kitchen, blushing.

“Hey Alex. I brought ice cream. I thought neapolitan would be the safest bet.” Thomas explained.

“Probably.” Alex said.

“Oh my god, you guys hurt me.” Laf muttered as he continued to get ice cream for everyone.

Alex stuck his tongue out at Laf and Thomas scowled, each causing the other to laugh.

Alex chuckled. “Everyone else is in the living room, watching movies.” And lead Thomas to the mess of pillows, blankets, and general floof that was the living room.

Thomas and Alex sat on the floor and slowly Alex moved closer to Thomas, until he was close enough that Thomas picked him up and placed Alex in his lap. Alex giggled as this happened.

Not that it was much of a surprise, Alex fell asleep on Thomas.

Not long after Alex fell asleep the girls had to go, so everyone said their goodbyes and they were down to four.

“He’s so cute when he’s sleeping.” Thomas said, carefully playing with Alex’s hair.

“I’m just glad he’s sleeping.” Laf admitted.

“Yeah. He’s gotta take better care of himself.” Herc added.

“I know. Work sucks when he’s not there.” Thomas said.

“I can imagine.” Laf smiled and teased.

“I mean work is boring and hard when he’s not there, you dirty microwave.” Thomas scowled.

“Dirty microwave?” Herc asked.

“Yes. Dirty microwave. Think about it. Aren’t dirty microwaves just gross?” Thomas said.

“I guess?” Herc said.

“It’s not the best or the worst insult he’s used.” Laf said.

“No it’s not.” Thomas said.

“One time he called someone the ends of the loaf of bread because everyone touches them but no one wants them.” Laf told Herc.

“That’s actually smart.” Herc chuckled.

“I try.” Thomas smirked.

“Welp, Thomas you can spend the night if you want. It’s getting late so if you wanna stay over I don’t mind.” Laf said.

“I don’t mind, and neither would Alex.” Herc agreed.

Thomas looked at the sleeping man in his lap. “I’ll spend the night.” He said, smiling down as Alex.

“Awesome.” Laf smiled.

They continued to watch movies, no one really getting tired for quite a while.

Eventually Herc and Laf went to bed and Thomas was the only one awake in the apartment, until Alex started to stir.

“Hey sleepy head.” Thomas said.

Alex had completely forgotten what happened, but when he heard Thomas’s southern accent he remembered, while melting over the southern drawl. “What time is it?” He asked.

“Two in the morning.” Thomas said. “You slept for like seven hours.”

“Oops. I’m sorry.” Alex apologized.

“It’s fine. I really didn’t mind.”

“Are you sure you don’t mind? I mean, we barely know each other and it’s not like we’re boyfriends, are we?” Alex asked, realizing they hadn’t discussed the topic. He sat up so he could see Thomas’s face better, but was still on Thomas’s lap.

“I don’t know. Are we boyfriends?” Thomas asked back, making Alex blush. The romantic tension filled the dimly lit room.

“I, I don’t know.” Alex said, he looked down, kind of nervous.

Thomas with gentle hands pulled Alex closer, and made the smaller man look at him. His hand then moved to the back of Alex’s head and pulled him into a soft warm kiss. The kiss lasted a while but stayed soft, warm, and sweet.

Alex was the first to speak after the kiss. “I wanna be your boyfriend.” He blushed as he said it, but he kept looking at Thomas.

“I’d like that very much.” Thomas said smiling, and Alex noticed what might just have been a blush on Thomas’s face.

Alex smiled a huge smile and crashed his lips against Thomas’s. This kiss was more intense, more like their first kiss in the elevator.

Suddenly Alex thought back to when he shared this moment with John.

_They had been on a couple dates and both of them were so happy. Alex bought an ice cream cone when John wasn’t looking one day at the beach. He got down on one knee and held the ice cream cone out._

_“John, would you make me the happiest broke college kid and be my boyfriend?” Alex had asked. John smiled and giggled._

_“Yes. I will be your boyfriend.” John had smiled and kissed Alex. They then shared the ice cream cone and had a perfect day on the beach._

Alex hadn’t even realized but he was crying now, Thomas automatically pulled himself away from Alex and looked him.

“Alex, what’s wrong?” Thomas asked softly.

“I just, I don’t know why, but I just got hit with the memory of me asking John to be my boyfriend, and now I’m a horrible boyfriend because I don't think I can kiss you without thinking about John. I’m terrible.” Alex explained, tears falling down his face.

“Hey, shh, it’s okay. You're not terrible or horrible. Did you intentionally think of John?” Thomas asked in a comforting tone.

“No.”

“Am I just a replacement for John?”

“Never. I still love John, but I also love you. The love I have for you is different than the love I have for John.” Alex told Thomas, still crying.

“Then it’s okay. You lost John in possibly the most brutal most painful way imaginable. It’s gonna take a long time to heal, but I’m here for you.” Thomas said, as he put hands on the sides of Alex’s neck/face and used his thumbs to wipe away Alex’s tears.

“Thanks Thomas. It means a lot.”

“No problem. I’d do it again and again every day, because I love you.” Thomas smiled warmly.

“I love you too Thomas.” Alex said with a weak smile.

Thomas pulled Alex closer and hugged him tightly, and carefully laid Alex and himself down, and Thomas held Alex tightly until they both fell asleep.

Alex woke up to the familiar, yet unfamiliar feeling of being in someone’s arms. He knew the feeling but not like this, not exactly. This was new, and he liked it.

“Good morning sleepy.” Thomas smiled, looking down at Alex.

“Hey.” Alex smiled back.

“Did you know that you talk in your sleep?” Thomas asked.

“What? No. What kind of things did I say?”

“Well, it started off with a bit of nonsense sounding stuff probably about your life in Nevis, then things got clearer and you talked about getting to New York and starting college, then things got quite in detail about your relationship with John, quite in detail indeed, things that I probably didn’t need to know in detail. Then things got kinda fuzzy again talking about the past couple of months.” Thomas told him.

“Really? Oh my god. Do I even wanna know?” Alex said embarrassed and blushing.

“Yes. I guess, I guess I’ll tell that I made all that up and it was just nonsense and sounded like the stuff of tumblr posts.” Thomas smiled evilly.

Alex’s face grew red. “I hate you.” He smiled at Thomas but scowled too.

“You love me.” Thomas said.

“Yes. I. do.” Alex stated dramatically and Thomas kissed him. Alex relished in the kiss, and Thomas noticed this, and kissed more passionately.

At that moment Herc came into the room, completely undetected but Alex and Thomas until he spoke up. “God, get a room already.” He told told them.

“Herc! You’re awake. I didn’t hear you come into the room.” Alex said, pulling away from Thomas slightly.

“No you didn’t.” Herc chuckled.

Thomas and Laf left to go to work after a quick breakfast, leaving Herc and Alex alone in the apartment.

“There’s literally nothing to do. I can’t go back to work for another week and I have nothing to do. I’ve cleaned everything I can and fixed everything that was broken.” Herc complained.

“At least you know when you can return to work. I feel fine, I don’t wanna go jump off a bridge anymore but my therapist said ‘I’m still not mentally stable enough to take on the responsibilities that are my work’ or some bullshit to that effect.” Alex told Herc.

“True.” Herc said, and they were quiet for a couple minutes. “We could do some baking.” Herc offered.

“I don’t think that there’s the right stuff here for baking. Laf hasn’t really gotten the chance to go grocery shopping.” Alex pointed out.

“Hang on, I’ve got an idea. You could walk over to your apartment building, get your car, come back get me and we could go get the stuff.” Herc suggested.

“I could do that. But the stuff for baking is on you.” Alex teased.

“Fine.” Herc shook his head.

Alex enjoyed the not too long walk to his apartment building, but it was nice to drive again. When he got back to Herc and Laf’s building he was about to turn into the parkade when he saw Herc waiting.

“Someone’s eager to get going.” Alex chuckled as Herc got into the car.

“We’re on a time limit now.” Herc said.

“What?” Alex asked.

“My mom called, she had been talking with Laf and she freaked out the second she heard about the accident and now we’re going over to my mom’s house to bake. She has all the stuff there anyways, she said we could make literally anything.” Herc said.

“Okay, sounds cool. Your mom’s awesome.”

“You just say that because she feeds you.” Herc said very matter-of-factly.

“Maybe. But you’ve gotta admit, your mom loves me.”

“She just hates all the stuff you’ve been through and admires your hard work to make something of yourself. She enjoys having you around because you’re smart and a good friend to me and Laf.” Herc said.

“Yes. She. Does.” Alex smiled cockily.

Herc just shook his head and smiled at his friend.

As they pulled up to Herc’s mom’s house Alex got a strange sense of home, like he always had. He loved Herc’s mom’s house, it was a safe place, a good place, a place where nothing bad could happen and there was nothing but love here. Yes, his apartment and his friends’ apartments had always been a 'safe place' but bad stuff had happened there, and Herc’s childhood home was somehow different.

“Hercules! Alexander!” She called out from the door as they opened the car doors and got out.

Herc hobbled up to the front door. “Mom.” Herc greeted with a smile and she pulled him into a hug.

“Go inside, sit down, get comfy. It’s not an option.” She commanded then turned to Alex who was kinda just awkwardly waiting to go inside.

“Alex! So nice to see you. I haven’t seen you in ages. I think the last time was, oh geez, uh the funeral I guess. Anyway, it’s been too long.” She said as she hugged him too.

“Nice to see you too Sarah. Yes it has been quite a while.” Alex said.

“Well, come inside, Herc said on the phone that you boys wanted to do some baking?” She asked as she ushered everyone inside.

“Well, it was the original plan for today. I’m not working currently and neither is Herc so.” Alex shrugged.

“Is there a reason you’re not working right now?” She asked.

“Um, to be honest, bit of a mental health crisis, but I’ve got things under control and I’ll be back at work soon.” Alex explained vaguely.

“Oh, well, what did you boys want to bake, I’ve got everything.” She asked.

Herc and Alex had an awesome day with Herc’s mom, she was kind, caring, fun and just overall awesome. Alex felt genuinely happy and had a lot of fun and the whole day had left him in a great place.

Until they got home and Thomas called, that's things kinda fell apart.

“Hey Thomas what’s up?” Alex had answered the phone.

“My mom just called, she wanted to invite me, and you for Thanksgiving. Laf and Herc are also invited but she’s gonna call Laf separately. You don’t have to come but I’d love to spend the holiday with you and you don’t really have anywhere else to go.” Thomas explained.

“Oh, um, yeah, I guess I’ll come. I don’t have anywhere else to spend the holiday anyway.” Alex said.

They discussed the details then ended the call, when Alex immediately started losing his mind and spiralled back into a not so good place.

_What on earth are you doing? Your first holiday without John and you are gonna travel to many states away to spend the holiday with your new boyfriend’s family? Your new boyfriend! You have a new boyfriend! You haven’t even taken off your wedding band!_

Alex started shaking, then crying, followed by the hyperventilating and pain in his chest that was a panic attack. God he hadn’t had one in years and hadn’t remembered them being so bad. He cried and sobbed as he shook uncontrollably barely able to breathe on the floor of Laf and Herc’s guest bedroom.

The only clear thought he had was how alone he felt in that moment, and how he should feel like this all the time because he deserved to be alone.

Laf then knocked on the door. “Alexander? Are you alright?”

“Uh, I, uh,” Alex struggled to get the words out. “Can you come in please? I need you right now.” Alex managed to get out between sobs.

Laf entered the room. “What’s wrong?” Laf asked as he came in and saw Alex.

“I- I feel like an a- asshole f- for loving Thomas. I f- feel l- like it’s n- not f- fair t- to John. I feel so a- alone e- even though I kn- know I shouldn’t b- because I’m not alone. But, I do feel alone, and I’m so confused and I miss John but I love Thomas too and I’m an asshole, I haven’t even taken off my wedding ring yet, and now I’m going to your aunt’s for Thanksgiving? I’m so confused Laf.” Alex sobbed.

“You’re not an asshole for loving Thomas, John would want you to be happy. Let this lonely feeling wash away you’re not alone. It’s okay to be confused, I would be too. Alex you are so strong, you’ve survived so much and life just hasn’t been fair to you. Alex, it’s gonna be okay. You’re not an ass and John wherever he is, is just happy to see you being happy again. It’s okay that you love Thomas and love John too.”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again, and I hate it. I just wanna feel okay again, but the dark just keeps on crashing through and I just keep ending up on the floor broken literally. I just wanna feel okay again but I don’t know if I can be.” Alex told Laf.

“Maybe there’s a reason to believe you’ll be okay, you might not know what it is yet, but there is a reason to believe you’ll be okay. It’s okay that you end up on the floor broken, in the dark, because you reach out your hand and you get help from me or Herc or The Sisters in order to help you stand. You've made sure that you’ll be found, and you always are near friends who will carry you. You might feel like shit now, but it’s gonna take a long time to heal after John’s death. It might take years for you to not hurt over it, if you ever do. It’s okay to feel this, I’m just glad that you’ve admitted you need some help. You will be okay eventually, I know you just wanna feel okay so let yourself feel okay again. Don’t feel you have to be sad because John died, if you’re ready to be happy, then let yourself be happy. You’ve found something that makes you happy, all that’s left is actually allowing yourself to be happy.” Laf told Alex, who didn’t really know how to respond to it.

Alex dove in for a hug, which Laf gladly returned.

“Is it really okay for me to feel okay again?” Alex asked his voice small.

“Of course, mon chou. If you wanna feel okay again, then nothing is stopping you.” Laf smiled.

_Of course, my cabbage._

“I just, I feel like it might be wrong to start feeling okay again Laf. But thank you, Laf, your words, wow. Thank you for this.”

“No problem. Why don’t you come watch a movie with me and Herc?” Laf said.

“Okay, but you gotta sit in the middle so that you’re beside Herc and me for cuddling.” Alex said.

“I think that can be arranged.” Laf smiled at Alex, who despite looking absolutely wrecked gave a small smile. “I’m gonna go start popcorn, just join us when you’re ready okay?” Laf said.

“Yeah. Will do.” Alex said. He watched Laf leave the room, before pulling off his ring. He looked at it for a moment, then at his now bare finger. He looked at the two for a second, before deciding that maybe the ring was just a painful reminder. He felt lighter without the ring on, like it had been weighing him down. He put it away with his things and made note to put it with John’s when he got home. Then he went out to the living room and joined Laf and Herc.

Alex cuddled up against Laf as they watched the movie. Alex, without surprise, fell asleep during the movie.

Laf carried Alex to bed because Alex had slept in the living room more than enough. He then meet Herc in their bedroom.

“I’m worried about him. He says he’s fine and then he’s breaking down and having panic attacks that are barely even provoked? He’s definitely not okay.” Herc said.

“Yeah, and have you noticed how much he sleeps lately? I almost miss, Mr. Sleep is a waste of time and for the weak.” Laf added.

“It’s just so unlike him.” Herc said as the two got ready for bed.

“Yeah, but have you noticed what he’s like when Thomas is around, he still sleeps more than usual but he like, never has breakdowns when Thomas is around and he doesn’t even have nightmares when he’s with him. He still has nightmares when he’s with me!” Laf exclaimed.

“I know. It’s weird.”

“He, he seems happy again when Thomas is around.” Laf mumbled quietly.

“Yeah. Like really happy. Like before John died.” Herc agreed.

“I don’t think we can even bring this up with him, it causes him so much pain to think about being happy with Thomas. He feels like it’s wrong for him to be happy with Thomas this soon after John’s death. It kills me so much, I hate seeing him like this.” Laf told Herc.

“Me too. It’s heartbreaking.”

“Yeah. Let’s figure this out in the morning, I’m tired.” Laf admitted.

The next day Alex had another therapy appointment, and Herc came with him because he was so bored at home he’d rather sit around at a hospital than at home, and Alex needed him or Laf to come anyway.

Before Alex went in Dr. Robins wanted to talk to Herc first. Herc followed her into her office a little confused, but whatever helped Alex.

“So, how has he been doing lately? Really?” She asked.

“He’s good at times but at certain points, like last night he was feeling really bad and he had a panic attack, he just totally isn’t okay. And it can be such a quick change, just zero to 60 in seconds.” Herc told the doctor.

“It’s not much of a surprise. Is there anything specific that seems when he’s doing better, maybe the cause of him being happier at those times?”

“Actually yes. Thomas, Lafayette’s cousin. Problem is, Alex ends up pretty low afterwards because he feels it's wrong that he's found love again so soon after John.” Herc explained.

“I see.” She said. “Well I think that will be all from you. Alex can come in now.”

Alex’s therapy session was harder than the last one because Alex and Dr. Robins got deeper into Alex’s less than happy life, and afterwards Dr. Robins asked Herc back in.

“After today’s therapy session it has been made quite clear that Alexander has clinical depression but it is getting better, PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or GAD, I’ve given him prescriptions for meds to help, however the meds don’t always help everyone, so I need you and your husband to watch out for these symptoms I’ve written out, and just continue keeping an eye on him, if he responds well to the meds he can return home in a week or so and to work some time soon after the holidays. He’s definitely doing better, despite the panic attacks and things, he is doing better. Just keep an eye on him and call me if anything drastic happens.” Dr. Robins told Herc.

“Will do, thank you doctor Robins.”

“No problem and hey, feel better soon yourself.” She said as he slowly moved out the door.

“Thanks.” He called over his shoulder and went to Alex who was waiting.

“Keep an eye on him? Don’t let him attempt to kill himself again? Make sure he takes his meds but not all of them at once?” Alex asked.

“Not exactly.” Herc admitted.

“Something along those lines though, right?” Alex said.

“Yeah.”

“So you know everything?” Alex asked.

“I know your diagnosis, and that you’re starting on meds, and that you’re doing better.” Herc told Alex.

“Yeah.”

“Well, hey, now we know what’s going on and you can get better help now. It just kills me that you’ve been battling these things on your own for so long.” Herc said.

“It, it wasn’t so bad when John was around, I mean I definitely have had PTSD since the hurricane but I think the anxiety is a newer thing. And the depression is definitely new.” Alex said.

“Still.”

“I know.” Alex swallowed. They then got to the car.

“So we both get to go to Monticello for Thanksgiving.” Alex brought up the topic once they were in the car.

“Yup. Warning, Monticello is huge.” Herc chuckled.

“I can imagine.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thomas Jefferson's coming hoooome, Thomas Jefferson's coming home, Thomas Jefferson's coming home; lord he's been off in New York for soo long. 
> 
> Thomas and Alex get to Monticello and shit happens, enjoy.
> 
> TW: Panic attacks

The week passed by slowly, but Alex had something to look forward to. On Friday after work Thomas was gonna meet Alex at his apartment and help him pack for the week long trip to Virginia. 

“Okay, I’ll be back later.” Alex called as he left Laf and Herc’s apartment. He left and drove to his apartment, where Thomas was waiting and he was glad. He hadn’t been back since the suicide attempt, and didn’t want to be alone. He went over to Thomas.

“Hey.” He said.

“Hi.” Alex greeted.

“Ready to go up and pack?”

“Uh, sure. I’m just kinda nervous. I haven’t been back since, since the suicide attempt. But I’ll be fine. I’ve got you.” Alex gave a small smile. 

“Do you need a minute?” Thomas asked, his voice soft and caring.

“I think I'll be fine.” He mumbled, then swallowed. “Let's just go.”

“Alright.” Thomas said and took Alex’s hand who lead them to his apartment.

It felt kind of strange, taking Thomas to the place where him and John met, lived together, fell in love with each other, their home, the place where Alex had suffered over the loss of John, and where everything in between had happened. He swallowed and unlocked the door.

Alex stepped into the apartment and it didn't feel like home, but at the same time, he didn't want to leave it ever again. 

“Uh, this is it. This is my apartment.” Alex said.

“I've been here before.” Thomas reminded Alex. 

“Right. Um, don't mind the mess. Last time it was cleaned was too long ago. I haven't even been here in like weeks.” Alex mumbled on but stopped himself.

“It's okay.”

“I'd offer you food or something but I have like nothing in the house.”

“It's fine. I'm not here for a clean house or food. I'm here to help my boyfriend.” Thomas told Alex.

“Okay.” Alex said and lead Thomas to his room.

“What will the weather be like this time of year?” Alex asked as he grabbed a suitcase from the closet.

“It can be really unpredictable, usually there's a lot of rain. I'm bringing clothes for cold and warm weather so you should probably do the same.” Thomas explained.

“Alright.” Alex shrugged and began opening drawers and putting clothing in the suitcase. “So, uh, how long is the drive?” 

“Six and a half hours or so. Depends on traffic and how many stops you make.” 

“That's not too bad.”

“Yeah. It could be a lot worse.” Thomas chuckled.

“Yes it could be.” 

Before Alex knew it the weekend had arrived and Thomas’s car was being packed. Everyone going down to Monticello had decided that Herc and Laf would take their own car and Thomas and Alex in Thomas’s. This way the couples could have some alone time, and each couple would have a car of their own for the week.

“Thomas,” Alex asked while they were finishing breakfast at Laf and Herc’s house, Laf and Herc were off finishing packing or something.

“Yes?”

“Promise me you’ll be careful driving? It’s just after John, that day was 100% ideal conditions for driving, this is ice and snow and lower visibility and,” Alex could’ve gone on but Thomas stopped him.

“We will be fine. I will drive extra careful, but there’s no need to worry.” Thomas put his hand over Alex’s and gave it a gentle squeeze. “It’ll be fine.” 

“Promise?”

“I will do my very best.” 

The roads weren’t the best, but they could’ve been much worse, Alex was worried about the fact that it was snowing but Thomas reassured him.

“My mom is very excited to meet you.” Thomas said once they were in the car on the road.

“How much does she know about me?” Alex asked.

“Not much. She knows we work together, but I haven’t told her a whole lot. All I know is that she is excited to meet the man that has made her son so very happy.” Thomas smirked at Alex.

“Please no flirting? Not well driving. Not in these conditions. I, I just can’t.” Alex fought back the tears. 

_ “When did life get so good John?” Alex asked as they drove down the oceanside highway, the windows down and the sunroof open. _

_ “I don’t know, but I’m liking it, things should be like this more often.” John smiled.  _

_ “Yeah. You know what else I’m liking?” _

_ “What?” John asked, with a chuckle. _

_ “You.” Alex smiled. _

It was all too familiar. The road trip together, the driver flirting, all of it.

“Okay.” Thomas smiled.

Alex got more and more anxious as the snow turned to rain. They were a little less than an hour away when Alex and Thomas heard the dreaded noise. Thunder.

“Was that, thunder?” Alex swallowed hard.

“Um, yes?” Thomas didn’t think much of it.

_ “Alex hates storms. The worse the storm, the worse he gets. He often ends up having panic attacks. When he was living the Caribbean there was a hurricane and he just can’t handle storms.” Lafayette had told Thomas. _

Well shit.

“I’m sure it’s nothing though.” 

Alex looked around, panic clear on his face. “How far away are we?” 

“About an hour, maybe a little less.” Thomas cringed at the words. It was too long.

“No. This, no. We can’t, we have to get to safety. We aren’t safe Thomas.” Alex started rambling.

“We are fine. It’s fine. Alex, calm down. We are in Virginia, hurricanes don’t happen often in Virginia.” That was a stretch of the truth. “We’ll be fine. Alex. Try to calm down and think logically. Put on some headphones, grab that blanket recline your seat and just try to relax okay?” Thomas said. He wanted to better comfort Alex but to do that he’d have to pull over and he decided it’d be best to keep driving and get to Monticello as soon as possible.

“Promise we’ll be fine?”

“We will be fine.” Thomas gave a reassuring smile. Alex then cautiously put on the headphones and pulled the blanket over his head after reclining his seat.

From then on during the drive Thomas would peak over at his boyfriend who he was pretty sure fell asleep, not that he was complaining, it mean he wasn’t panicking.

Before long Thomas pulled into the large multiple car garage attached to the massive house that was his childhood home, Monticello. He pulled the blanket off of Alex’s head and the headphones.

“Alex, sweetie, we’re here.” He whispered gently. Alex stirred, and Thomas smiled at the adorable sight. “We’re here.” He said.

“Okay.” Alex said. Then it hit him. He was about to meet Thomas’s family. “How much of your family is here?” He asked.

“Uh, my mom’s here, I see Anna’s car, she’s the youngest, she’s 17. And Mary’s car is here, which means her fiance, Matt, is also here, Mary’s two years older than me than me, making her the oldest which means we’re just missing Peter whose girlfriend is probably coming too. Peter’s the second youngest he’s a year younger than me. Oh and Laf and Herc aren’t here yet, Laf just texted me, they stopped for food.” Thomas told Alex.

“So wait, it goes Mary, you, Peter, and Anna?” Alex asked trying to figure things out.

“Yep.”

“And it’ll be us, Laf and Herc, your mom, Mary and Matt, Peter and his girlfriend, and Anna?” 

“Mhm.” Thomas nodded.

“What’s your mom’s name? Jane?”

“Yup. Jane, everyone just calls her mama, mom or something like it though.” 

“Where’s your dad?” 

“Ten years back he went got super drunk then fought with my mom, ended up having a heart attack and died. He wasn't the nicest person.” Thomas summed it up for Alex.

“I’m so sorry.” 

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault. You sure are asking a lot of questions.” 

“I’m just trying to gather as much information as possible so there’s no surprises, this is already causing bad anxiety, and. Oh my god!” Alex stopped saying what he was and froze.

“What?” Thomas asked suddenly confused and worried.

“I forgot my anxiety meds. I forgot all my meds. This isn’t okay. I need those meds Thomas.” Alex start hyperventilating, he held his hair tightly in his hands.

“Um,” Thomas didn’t know what to say and started to worry too. Those meds really seemed to help Alex and now he was supposed to go a week without them? At that moment Mary came out into the garage and looked at Thomas from the doorway. She had a fair complexion and was tall too, with dark eyes and dark hair, that was curley but nothing like Thomas's.

“Thomas! What’s wrong?” Mary called out. Thomas beckoned her over to the car with his hand, he opened the door as Alex continued to freak out and pulled himself into a ball looking away, which made Thomas frown, as he turned back to where Mary was now standing.

“What’s going on?” She asked.

“My boyfriend Alex, he forgot his meds for anxiety and depression and I think something else? In New York. He’s freaking out and I’m worried too.” Thomas explained quietly.

“It’s okay. You forget I’m a doctor.” She said to Thomas then turned her attention to Alex. “Alex?” Mary attempted to get the immigrant’s attention. He looked at her, panic written all over his face. “I’m Thomas’s older sister Mary, Thomas says you forgot some meds at home?”

“Um, yeah. I don’t think I can make it through the week without them but we can’t turn back and I don’t know what to do.” Alex explained still panicked and embarrassed that this was Mary’s first impression of him. 

“Well you’re in luck. I don’t know if Thomas told you, but I’m a doctor, just tell me what you’re taking and the amount and I can write up a small prescription to get you through the week. Alright? It’ll be okay. No one even has to know. I’ll go grab a ‘script pad from my car ‘cause god knows there’s like 17 pads of them, I always remember everything  _ but _ those.” She shook her head at herself and went to get her car keys from the hooks near the door. 

“See, it’ll be fine.” Thomas gently rubbed Alex’s back. 

Within five minutes Thomas and Alex were back on the road heading into town to get the meds. They pulled up to the drug store. 

“Would you mind if I found some snacks while you went to the counter?” Thomas asked as they got out of the car.

“No. Go get snacks.” Alex chuckled a little. He took the prescriptions from Mary, who had said she’d tell the others that Thomas and Alex went out to get snacks, and went towards the counter. He approached the pharmacist.

“Can I get these filled please?” He asked, handing over the papers.

The pharmacist looked at them. “No way in hell am I filling these. They couldn’t be faker if you tried. Some nobody trying to get away with fake scripts signed by the daughter of the richest family in town. I ain’t no fool boy. Go home!” The older gentleman laughed at Alex, which pushed him to borderline tears until Thomas came over.

“Is there a problem here,” Thomas checked the name tag. “Jerry?” He asked.

“This boy gave me fake scripts and expects me to fill ‘em out! He’s nuts.”

“Those prescriptions are one-hundred percent legitimate.” Thomas said.

“They was supposedly signed by Mary Jefferson, the daughter of the richest family in town! She don’t even practice here! These are faker than fake.” 

“Why? ‘Cause of who signed ‘em?” 

“Hell yeah. Why do you care?”

“‘Cause this is my boyfriend and I don’t appreciate you telling him that his legitimate prescriptions from my sister are fake!”

“And who are you supposed to be? Thomas Jefferson?” The man laughed.

“Yep!” Thomas bit back and pulled out his driver’s license, he showed it to the pharmacist. “Now would you fill out these damn ‘scripts before I have to take my business elsewhere ‘cause  _ my  _ _ mother _ has gone and shut you down! You oughta be ashamed.” Thomas said.

“Yes sir.” Jerry stumbled over the words and got to work.

Thomas turned back to Alex, and pulled him over to one of the aisles.

“Shh. It’s okay.” Thomas hugged him. “Pick out some candy.” Thomas told him with a smile, which caused Alex to smile a little too.

With candy and meds in hand they quickly made it back to Monticello, where Peter had arrived, without his girlfriend. Laf and Herc still weren’t there yet, but Alex was much calmer now, so he was okay that only Thomas was there for him.

Thomas pulled their stuff out of the trunk and lead Alex up into the house, where they came into the kitchen.

“Mom? We’re here for real this time.” Thomas said as he lead Alex further into the kitchen.

“Thomas!” She squealed as she turned around and came towards Thomas and Alex. She pulled her son into a bone crushing hug, which he reciprocated. They then pulled away and her and Alex both got their first good looks at each other. Ms. Jefferson was a short woman, a little on the larger side but it added to the less intimidating-ness. Her hair was mostly grey, and was up in a bun. She didn’t look at all menacing which helped calm Alex. “And you must be Alexander. Or did you prefer Alex?”

“Alex. Nice to meet you Ms. Jefferson.”

“Oh none of that. Just call me Jane or better yet mom.” She said, and pulled him in for a hug. Alex was slightly uncomfortable but he survived the hug. “You boys go put your thing’s in Thomas’s room then come down and meet everyone else.” She instructed.

“Your mom seems nice. Not intimidating as I thought.” Alex said as they went upstairs.

“What did you imagine?” Thomas chuckled. 

“I don’t know, but your mom is the first of my significant other’s mom’s I’ve met.” Alex told Thomas.

“What?”

“Well, there was only small meaningless little flings before John, usually just one-night-stands, and John’s mom died when he was younger so no moms to meet.” 

“Oh. I didn’t realize that John was your first serious relationship.” Thomas explained.

“It’s fine.” Alex brushed it off. “I was just super nervous. I’m still nervous about meeting everyone else. It’s better now that I’ve had my meds, but it’s still kinda nerve racking.”

“I can imagine. My family is kinda big and the size of this house and stuff probably doesn’t help.”

“No it doesn’t.” Alex admitted.

“Here we are.” Thomas said as they approached one of many doors in the hallway. “My room since I was a baby. It’s changed over the years obviously but, uh, yeah.” Thomas said and opened the door. 

The room was massive there was a large chest-style dresser, a taller stand-up dresser, a large desk, two night stands on either side of the bed, the large bed, and still loads of space. Alex took a moment to really look at Thomas’s big beautiful canopy bed. The bed seemed bigger than king-size and had four long posts at each corner, with thinner bars attaching them all in a square. The entire frame of the bed was a medium brown wood but had a reddish tint to it which made it even more beautiful. There was white chiffon over the top of the bed and hanging down near each post. The entire room was fairly light, minus the dark hardwood floors and matching wood furniture. 

“Thomas this room is beautiful.” Alex said.

“It’s pretty simple.” Thomas shrugged. 

“I think that’s what adds to its beauty. I really like the look of this room.”

“What did you think it’d look like?”

“Not like this. I don’t know, maybe? Darker? I don’t know exactly. Just not this, beautiful room.” Alex explained.

Thomas chuckled. “You ready to go meet everyone else or do you need a couple minutes?” He asked softly.

Alex took a deep breath. “I’ll be okay.”

“Okay.” Thomas said and took Alex’s hand leading them down the stairs. 

Alex didn’t pay much attention to where they were going, instead focusing on holding Thomas’s hand, and soon found them in a more casual looking living room than he had honestly expected.

“Mom’s favourite child, has arrived.” Thomas alerted his siblings of him and Alex’s presence as they were all watching a movie and not paying attention to much else.

“I don’t fucking think so.” One of the guys said, he looked creepily similar to Thomas causing Alex to believe it was Peter. He had much shorter hair though. He didn’t even look at them at first. “Wait.” He said and everyone looked at them.

“Thomas!” The youngest looking of the two girls, probably Anna, jumped up and ran to them. She was short like her mother, with straighter hair than her siblings and it was in a side braid. Her skin was probably the lightest of all the Jefferson's and she had a small sprinkling of freckles on her face, but she had almost the same eyes as her brothers and sister so there was no doubt she was one of them. She threw herself at her older brother with all her might, which wouldn't seem like it was all that much, the girl was tiny. But Thomas stumbled back as she hit him hard with a tight hug. He immediately reciprocated the hug also quiet tightly, he lifted her off the floor a couple inches and spun the both of them around, partially to absorb the force, Anna giggling happily the whole time. Thomas then set her down on the ground. 

“I’ve missed you so much.” She said.

“I couldn’t tell.” He said his voice dripping in sarcasm. “I’ve missed you too Anna.” He then added in a different tone.

By then everyone else had abandoned the movie and got up to greet them.

After many more hugs and ‘I’ve missed you’’s for Thomas it was time for Alex to be introduced.

“Everyone, this is my boyfriend Alex.” Thomas said. Thomas pointed at Mary. “That’s my sister Mary,” Mary gave Alex a quick hug. “the man beside her is her fiance Matt,” a firm handshake. “My shithead of a brother Peter, thinks he’s the best, he ain’t the smartest,” Thomas joked and Peter scowled while giving Alex an awkward bro hug. “And my baby sister Anna.” A fairly big for someone so small.

“Hello everybody.” Alex said.

“Thomas says that you guys met in college?” Mary asked as everyone took a seat.

“Yeah, but uh back then we hated each other.” Alex chuckled.

“Remember when I wrapped your car in cling wrap?” Thomas asked Alex.

“Yup. I paid you back by waiting for a super hot day then me and John covered your car in a mix of shaving cream and whipping cream. God that was fun.” Alex smiled.

“Not for me it wasn’t. It hardened and kinda cooked or something. It was gross.” Thomas said.

“Why did you guys hate each other so much?” Anna asked. 

“Well, um,” Thomas started but looked at Alex for help.

“Uh, I forget, or maybe we didn’t even have a valid reason?” Alex responded.

“Yeah.” Thomas agreed.

“You guys are strange.” Peter shook his head.

“So if you hated each other so much in college when did you actually get together?”

“Like, actually using the word boyfriend?” Thomas asked.

“Sure.” Mary said.

“A couple weeks. But there was something for a quite a while.” Thomas admitted.

“Yeah, like months before that?” Alex asked.

“To be honest it was probably a lot longer than that for me.” Thomas said.

“How long is a lot longer?” Alex asked his boyfriend.

“Years.” Thomas quietly admitted.

“But you hated me!”

“I think I hated you because I loved you and you didn’t feel the same way."

“Why didn’t you tell me like, way sooner?” Alex asked.

“Because your husband!” Thomas said.  _ Shit. _ He then realized what he’d said and how it’d sound to the others.

“I didn’t mean that much sooner!” Alex stared at Thomas.

“Hold up. Husband? You have a husband? Where is he? Why aren’t you with him? Why are in a relationship with Thomas? What the actual fuck is going on here?” Matt suddenly joined the conversation.   
Alex wanted to defend himself, but he couldn’t form the words. Suddenly he felt the pain in his chest, and breathing got harder, and tears stung his eyes and next thing he knew he was running from the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave kudos if you think Jerry (The pharmacist) is an asshole, Matt is an asshole/idiot, Anna is too precious for the world, or Mary is a fucking hero
> 
> Scream at me in the comments or on my instagram @i_will_never_be_satisfied__ where you can also find my qooh.me as another place to shout at me


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Matt is still an asshole, the search for Alex starts, and a side of Thomas that isn't often seen comes out
> 
> GUYS, I am so so sorry for not updating sooner, life has been insane, I'm moving houses, am sick every two weeks, and school is kicking my ass, and as icing on the cake, I officially have no beta. I'll try to be better about posting, but school is more important (I say even though I have a french assignment due for tomorrow that I've barely even started and it's eleven o'clock at night) and since editing can take a long time I don't know how often I can post, however I won't stop posting because I have people who will keep me posting so don't worry, I'll keep posting until I've posted everything
> 
> TW: Violence
> 
> PS: Sorry for any mistakes, I really am trying my best guys

Alex ran out of the room and down a hallway, quickly getting lost. He started opening doors until he found a library. He went in and closed the door behind him then wandered deep into the massive room with probably 15 rows of bookshelves and a sitting area as well as multiple desks in different spots of the room. He hid himself deep inside the library and sobbed.

“Good. Little whore feels like shit.” Matt muttered. “What on earth are you thinking Thomas? Dating a married man?” Matt asked before Thomas could get a single breath out.

“ALEX IS NOT A WHORE!” Thomas roared. “His husband died in a car crash about six months back! To make matters worse, Alex was behind the wheel, and he walked away fine! He has struggled with his husband’s death every step of the way, it has been so hard on him that he tried to commit suicide! SUICIDE! He wishes quite often that he  _ IS _ with his husband! He has been through hell and back!” Thomas continued to shout even though tears now streamed down his face, and he wasn’t ready to stop. “SO HOW FUCKING DARE YOU! You had no fucking right to say a damn thing! He is on multiple different meds to help with the depression and anxiety he has developed since his husband died and when he broke down because he forgot those meds he had a fucking panic attack at the idea of spending a week here without those meds. He was TERRIFIED to meet you guys, I told him it’d be okay and thanks to you, he now has a reason to be terrified to be here! Now he’s gonna think everyone here hates him because you’ve given him a good reason to! Congratulations! I hope you feel good about yourself. He doesn’t know the house, and so now he’s probably lost in the house, on the floor curled in a ball, sobbing, wishing that he could go back in time and not go for a drive the day his husband died or just wishing he could join his husband.” Thomas screamed in Matt’s face, as they were both standing inches from each other, both pissed as hell.

Before Matt could say another word Thomas yanked his arm back and slammed his fist into Matt’s face. Matt stumbled back but Thomas, punched him in the stomach hard and in the face a second time. Matt tried to fight back but Thomas delivered another hard blow to Matt’s stomach which caused him to fall over. Thomas sat on top of him and repeatedly punched his face.

“Thomas! Thomas stop!” Mary was shouting. Yeah Matt had been a dick but Thomas was gonna kill him. 

Anna simply watched in horror as Thomas, who was usually the calm not violent one pummelled Matt’s face.

Peter attempted to pull Thomas off Matt, not wanting anyone to die but it was a failed attempt because Thomas didn’t even notice.

Laf, who had just arrived, then came into the room, realized what was happening and quickly joined Peter in trying to stop the fight.

Eventually Laf and Peter managed to pull Thomas off of Matt, whose face was bloody and already swollen and bruised. 

“You’re gonna kill Matt!” Laf shouted once him and Peter had pulled Thomas into a different room.

“Good.” Thomas said bitterly. 

“You broke his face! Literally!” Peter said.

“Good.”

“Thomas. That’s not a good thing.” Laf said.

“I don’t care. He had no right to say anything and now Alex is, God, knows where, Matt totally fucking deserves it!” Thomas said. He then left the room, and headed to the kitchen to tell his mom what had happened and start a search party for Alex.

Thomas entered the kitchen to see his mom and Hercules talking. A couple seconds later Lafayette came into the kitchen too.

“Thomas? Lafayette” Ms. Jefferson looked at her son and nephew. “What’s wrong?”

“Matt is fucking idiot asshole. We were all in the family room laughing, me and Alex were joking then we didn’t word things right, Matt flipped out and made Alex feel like shit, he started having a panic attack and ran off, then Matt kept making comments after Alex left and I kind of beat the shit out of him.” Thomas said in no more than two breaths, but it might’ve been just one.

“Oh god.” Herc said.

“The house is so big! Thomas you didn’t get a chance to show him around did you?” Jane asked.

“Nope. We are the only ones that he’s gonna be okay with finding him, he’s not gonna want anyone who was in the room where it happened.” 

“Alright. Hercules take the studies and library because you don’t have to do stairs for that. Lafayette, you take the North rooms upstairs, Thomas take the South rooms, I doubt he’s anywhere else, so I go check in on everyone else.” Jane instructed. 

“Sounds good.” Herc said and moved towards the studies and libraries quickly. He cleared all the offices and was about to move to the library when he got a call from Laf.

“Found him?” Herc asked.

“No. I cleared every room in my section. What have you got left?” Laf asked.

“Library is all that’s left.” Herc said.

“I’ll come do it, you sit down, after the car ride and stuff you need to put your leg up. It’s been too long.” Laf offered.

“I’m fine.” 

“No but’s. Besides, if Alex is worked up can you talk to him in french, one of his more native languages?” Laf fought back. “Besides. You’ve never been the best with feelings.” Laf told his husband.

“Okay fine.” Herc said and hung up. He went into the library anyway. He heard soft crying. He made his way towards the sound and eventually found Alex on the floor behind the couch in the sitting area of the library. 

“Herc.” He croaked, glad to see his best friend.

“Hey.”

“They hate me. I’m a terrible person and a whore.” Alex mumbled.

“No you’re not. Matt is an asshole. They don’t hate you.” Herc said, wanting to hug his friend but broken leg + sitting on the floor = no.

“Are you sure?” Alex asked.

“Yes.” Herc said.

“I don’t know, man. You should’ve seen everyone’s faces. They hate me. Thomas probably hates me too for making things not good with his family. What have I done?” Alex said.

“Hey, hey, hey. None of that. Thomas does not hate you. His family does not hate you.”

“I feel like such an outsider.” Alex looked up at Herc.

“How do you think I felt my first time coming to Monticello? It was because Laf didn’t want to come to Mr. Jefferson’s funeral alone. An outsider at a funeral for a man I never met.” 

“Oh god.” Alex chuckled.

“So join the club. There’s two of us now.” 

“Yay!” Alex chuckled sarcastically. “I really don’t wanna see, anyone else right now. Not even Laf. I don’t wanna leave the library and I don’t wanna have to talk to anyone but you.” Alex told Herc.

“Okay, Laf was gonna come down but I’ll send him away alright?” Herc offered.

“Yes please. And thank you.” Alex said.

“Alright.”

Herc went to the door and waited for Laf.

“Hey.” Laf said.

“Hi. I found him on the floor crying. He doesn’t wanna see anyone else right now. Just me. He’s pretty upset and well, ya can’t blame him.” Herc explained. 

“Okay. Try to get him off the floor though? And put your leg up please?” Laf asked.

“I’ll do my best.” Herc said. 

“Okay.” Laf said, kissed his husband and then went to go find the other members of the search party. He eventually found them.

“Good news is Herc found Alex. Bad news is Alex only wants to talk to Herc right now.” 

“He’s okay though?” Thomas asked.

“Herc didn’t say he was not okay.” Laf offered.

“Okay then. I need to go find everyone else.” Thomas said and made his way to the stairs.

Laf decided to follow Thomas to make sure he didn’t do anything else.

Thomas took the stairs two at a time, how dare Matt do this to Alex? Was all he could think about. He went to the family room. 

“Hey Matt. Can you come here? I’ve got something to say to you.” He made his voice sound as apologetic as possible. Matt got up from the couch where Jane and Mary had been giving him first aid on the various cuts and bruises on his face, and came over to Thomas.

“Yes?” He asked cockily.

“Hey listen man, I’m sorry.” He said, and his fist connected with Matt's face again. “That I didn’t get to finish.” He added and went to punch Matt again.

“Thomas!” Jane shouted, she had turned her back for a second to get something from the first aid kit. “Get out. Go for a walk or something. Go!” Jane commanded.

Angrily Thomas obliged. He went to the back porch door and went outside slamming the door behind him. It was chilly but he didn’t care. He bitterly walked around outside and eventually calmed down. He made a mental note to take Alex on a walk out here at some point. After a while his phone vibrated in his pocket repeatedly he pulled it out so see he was getting a call from Lafayette. He answered. 

“Matt’s gone you can come back now.” He said.

“Gone?” Thomas asked.

“To the hospital, then home. He’s not coming back.” Laf explained.

“Oh okay.” Thomas said. “How, uh, how bad was he?” Thomas asked, he looked down at the knuckles on his free hand. Bruised, bloody, not a pretty picture to say the least.

“His nose was most likely broken, it was kinda hard to tell, split lip, black eyes, you messed up his face pretty good.” Laf told him.

“Was Mary mad at me?” Thomas asked as he slowly made his way back to the house.

“I can ask her.” Laf offered.

“What? She didn’t go with Matt?”

“Nope. She was pissed at him and they kinda fought. Mary is still here and she’s not leaving.”

“Wow. How mad is mom?” 

“She would like to hear your side of the story. She’s kinda mad but mostly just worried about Alex. And you.”

“Why would she be worried about me?” 

“You, usually don’t, beat people up, Thomas. It was weird to see you so physically aggressive. Usually you just chew people out verbally.” Laf explained, his voice kind of quiet.

“Oh. Yeah. I guess. Uh, I’ll be back in a minute or two.” Thomas said and let Laf hang up. 

He entered the house, unsure of what to expect, he kept his guard up, but not his fists.

“Thomas, come here please?” He heard his mom call from near the fridge. He obliged. “Now I don’t condone what you did Thomas, I have to admit, I’ve wanted to punch Matt for a long time.” Jane said, turning to face her son with an ice pack in hand. 

“Wait, what?” Thomas asked, very confused.

“I’m not mad that you punched Matt,” She said and took her son’s hand, holding the ice pack to his bruising knuckles. “I’m not the happiest that he had to leave it was so bad, but Mary stayed so I’m not too upset.” She added now using a tensor bandage to keep the ice against his knuckles. “Just promise me, that my son hasn’t turned into that guy who goes beating everyone up?” She pinned the tensor bandage in place.

“I don’t beat people up on a regular basis ma, I promise.” Thomas said to his mom.

“Good.” She said, and hugged him. “Now, why don’t you go see if Alex wants to talk to anyone else. And tell everyone supper will be ready soon.”

“Will do, mama.” Thomas smiled at his mom and turned to go find everyone else.  He crossed his arms so the one with the ice pack was being cradled.

He went to the family room.

“Hey.” He said nervously as he came in.

“Are you calmer now?” Peter asked.

“Yes.” Thomas rolled his eyes.

“Okay you can sit with us.” Peter told him.

“I will sit wherever the fuck I please, thank you very much.” Thomas said as he sat down.

“How bad are your knuckles?” Mary asked.

“Mom put ice on the right ones. Both hands will be bruised, but I’ll survive.”

“Thomas, please don’t beat anyone else up?” Anna half asked half commanded.

“I won’t. I just got so angry at what Matt said, Alex has been through hell, and didn’t deserve it. I’m just worried about him now.”

“Matt did overreact.” Mary admitted.

“Is Alex gonna be okay?” Anna asked.

“I hope so.” Thomas said.

“He looked so upset and scared before he ran out.” Anna mumbled.

“He wasn’t always so fragile. Before his husband, John, died, if someone had said those kinds of  things to him he would’ve chewed them up, spit them out, set ‘em on fire and then stomped that out, he was such a spitfire. It’s hurt to see that disappear, but I think it’ll come back one day. At least, I hope it will.” Thomas spoke lovingly of Alex.

“You really like him don’t you?” Anna continued to ask questions.

“Yes. I mean, I still have pet peeves towards him, but they are in a loving way and, gah, I just really love him.” Thomas kind of blushed.

“What kind of pet peeves?” Peter asked kind of confused, but also in a suggestive way.

Thomas rolled his eyes at his brother. “Like when he stays up too late, or doesn’t eat properly, or doesn’t take care of himself properly. Or when he doesn’t come talk to people when he feels alone and sad. Things like that, Peter.” Thomas explained. “I want him to live with me so I can take better care of him, but I don’t want to move things too fast. He has had such a hard time coping with John’s death I don’t want to push him.”

“That makes sense.” Mary said.

“It sounds like he’s been through a lot.” Anna said.

“Oh, this isn’t even half of it. He has had such a hard life, he doesn’t deserve it.” Thomas said.

“Who doesn’t deserve what?” Alex asked, entering the room, face still red, eyes still puffy. Hercules was close behind him. He looked kind of embarrassed but Thomas could tell by his body language, that Alex was ready for some physical affection. Thomas reached his arms out and carefully collected Alex into his lap, Alex immediately snuggling up to his boyfriend’s chest.

“You, don’t deserve what Matt said to you.” Thomas told Alex. 

“Oh. Thanks.” Alex said but it was muffled because his face was kind of pressed into Thomas’ chest.

“Hey, are you okay?” Thomas asked, gently rubbing Alex’s back.

“Yeah.” Alex said. “I’m tired but I’ll survive.” Alex mumbled.

Jane then came into the family room. “Dinner’s ready everyone.” She said.

Peter got up and dashed out of the room, followed by Herc quickly moving towards the dining room too, followed by Laf, then Mary and Anna.

“We’ll be there in a minute.” Thomas said to his mom.

“Of course.” She said and followed the parade of her children to the dining room.

“After supper we can go up to my room and cuddle, does that sound good?” Thomas asked.

“Yes.” Alex nodded.

“Okay. We can cuddle and watch movies on my laptop and have that candy we bought earlier.” Thomas told Alex.

“Sounds good. What do you think your mom made?”

“Who knows. Probably something easy, you don’t have to eat much if you don’t want to.” Thomas admitted.

“Okay.” 

Thomas gave Alex a quick squeeze before leading him to the dining room.

Supper was quiet, and Alex was thankful, he was not ready for a lot of small talk. 

After dinner Alex and Thomas went upstairs. Thomas put a movie on on his laptop and they munched on candy and cuddled. Alex fell asleep after not too long, not that Thomas was surprised or minded. He simply cleaned up, put his stuff away and curled up close to Alex and fell asleep holding his boyfriend.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not dead, yay! Sorry for such a long absence, I'm trying to be better but life man, just, yeah, I'm very sorry.
> 
> Thomas's Purple Sweater returns! So does an Alex we haven't seen all fic long! Very low Alex followed by very high (not drugs, happiness) Alex.
> 
> Idk what's up with the sexual; humor? either, I was on like, 4 hours of sleep in 52 total hours, and was running on caffeine, spite, and determination (A. Ham would be proud, Lin would probably not be so proud but more worried *nervous laughter*) It was worse and I fixed some of it so it's not too bad now.
> 
> TW: Panic attacks, mention of flashbacks

The next morning Alex woke up in Thomas’s arms. He smiled a little, before curling closer to Thomas as well as pulling the blankets around him. He laid awake for a while, just enjoying Thomas’ warmth and the sound of the Virginian breathing. Thomas stirred after not too long.

“Hey.” He mumbled sleepily.

“Hey.” Alex echoed back.

“How’d you sleep?”

“Good. This bed is one of the comfiest things ever.” 

“That’s good.” Thomas said as he sat up and yawned. “Do you mind if I shower?” He asked.

“No. I don’t mind.” Alex smiled.

“Okay, feel free to join me if you want.” Thomas smirked as he got up.

“Thomas!” 

“What? I’m just trying to save water by showering with my boyfriend.” Thomas played it off with a smile. He put himself at eye level with Alex.

“You’re getting off on the idea of me in the shower with you entirely too much.” Alex shook his head. He then leaned forward and kissed Thomas just enough to cause a small whine to escape from Thomas’s mouth when Alex pulled away. Thomas scowled at him he grabbed some clothes and turned to go to the bathroom. “That’s right, go jack off in the shower!” Alex called out as Thomas was about to close the bathroom door. Alex could hear Thomas snort softly before closing the door.

Alex played around on his phone while Thomas was in the shower, waiting impatiently for Thomas to come out because he grew lonely fast. A minute or two after the shower stopped Thomas opened the door but stayed in the bathroom, he was dressed in black skinny jeans and a purple v-neck t-shirt, and was using towel to dry his hair in the mirror. Alex watched silently from the bed. He then watched as Thomas reached for something on the counter. A contacts case? Thomas wore contacts?

“I didn’t know you wore contacts.” Alex said.

Thomas stopped, surprised a little. He stopped what he was doing. “What? Oh, yeah. I have glasses too, it’s just easier to wear contacts because they can’t get bumped around or in the way like glasses.” Thomas explained.

“I’d love to see you in your glasses.” Alex smiled a little at the thought.

Thomas blushed a little. “I have a pair with me. Sometimes I like them for reading in bed, it’s not dangerous to fall asleep with glasses on.” Thomas told Alex.

“I am in love with the idea of you falling asleep while reading in bed with your glasses on.” Alex said.

“You wanna see me with my glasses on?”

“Yes.” Alex answered immediately and Thomas chuckled. He closed the contacts case and came over to where he’d left his bag. He dug around before pulling out a glasses case. He then put on the basic black framed glasses, and turned so Alex could see better. “Please wear your glasses today?” Alex asked.

“Okay.” Thomas smiled. “I’ll wear my glasses today, because my adorable boyfriend wants me to.” 

“Being submissive today? Might have to use this to my advantage.” Alex smirked.

“I don’t think so.” Thomas said and came over to the bed. He pinned Alex down and kissed him roughly. “Who's the dominant one in this relationship?” He asked.

“Me. Or you. Depends on the day.” Alex shrugged.

“I can’t even fight you on that.” Thomas shook his head.

Alex smirked, before getting up and dressed himself. 

Most of the day went by uneventfully, everyone just hanging out in the family room, watching movies and talking about random things. Dinner was also an uneventful affair until after when Thomas asked Alex to go on a walk. 

“A walk?” Alex asked.

“Yeah. We could walk around the gardens, they’re massive, there won’t be much to look at now, it’s kinda late in the year, but we still could.” Thomas explained. 

“Well, okay.” Alex agreed with a smile. “I’ll go grab a sweater.” 

“Okay.” Thomas smiled. He took the last of the dishes over to his mom who was loading the dishwasher. “Me and Alex are gonna go for a walk through the gardens.” He told her.

“It sounds nice, but just a warning there are storms forecasted for this evening so watch out.” She told him.

“Mama, there’s not a cloud in the sky, I’m sure we’ll be fine.” Thomas said.

“Okay Thomas.” She said. “Is there any reason for this walk?” She asked.

“Don’t say a word to anyone, especially not Laf, but I have a ring for Alex.” Thomas bit his lip after he said it.

“Oh! My baby is growing up! You’ll be engaged, then married, then I’ll be a grandma,” She went on until Thomas stopped her.

“Hold up, it’s a promise ring, mom. I don’t even know if he’ll accept it. We only started dating a couple weeks ago, and he just lost his husband six months back. I don’t even know if I’m gonna give it to him.” Thomas explained.

“Well, if it helps anything, I really like Alex. He’s a good person and he seems to bring out the best in you Thomas. He even got you to wear your glasses today! I haven’t seen you wear your glasses in so long. I don’t like you wearing those contact things. They’re dangerous Thomas. If you fall asleep with those things in you could get very sick.” She said.

“I don’t fall asleep with them in.”

“I hope not! Now go take Alex on that walk.” She said ushering him out of the kitchen.

Thomas collected Alex from the bottom of the stairs where he’d been waiting and lead him to the back door. Thomas’s heart fluttered a little. Alex was wearing ripped black skinny jeans, a dark blue worn button down shirt and a black hoodie. He’d tied up his hair into a bun and Thomas wasn’t sure when exactly but sometime within the last few days Alex had repainted his nails. The sight made Thomas so happy, because Alex was absolutely adorable. They started on the path walking along, Thomas pointing out his favourite things and what grew where. It was getting dark out so neither of them noticed it was getting cloudy.

Eventually they came to a grove of trees. “This is probably my favourite spot in the garden. I like these trees and how they were planted right here.” Thomas explained.

“Yeah. It’s nice.” Alex said.

Thomas reached his hand into his pocket and fiddled with the ring, which he’d taken out of the box. He contemplated asking the question right now.  _ This is one of the most beautiful spots in the garden, the mood and setting is right, and it’s only a promise ring. You could do this right here, right now. _ Thomas thought to himself.  _ Let’s do this. _ He eventually decided.

“Alex,” Thomas started but was interrupted by a thunder clap. Alex’s eyes grew wide and Thomas watched as Alex went from calm to full-on panic in a matter of microseconds.

“Thomas we have to go, we have to get inside. Now. Right now. It’s dangerous, Thomas.” Alex said in one breath.

“It’s okay. We’re going right now. It’s okay.” Thomas said. “It’ll be okay.” He said and they started walking at a quick pace back towards the house. Alex clung to Thomas as the wind started to pick up. “Shh. It’s okay.” Thomas kept trying to comfort Alex, but then the rain started, pouring down heavily. Thomas regretted not listening to his mom. The rain continued, to pour down harder and harder, soaking them both in a matter of seconds. Alex let go of Thomas’s arm and curled up in a ball on the ground, crying loud enough that Thomas could hear it. 

“Alex? Sweetie? Come on, I know it’s scary but we gotta get inside. We gotta get back to the house, or we’re both gonna get sick.” Thomas said loudly so Alex could hear over the rain.

“It’s too late Thomas, we’re gonna die. It’s too late. It’s too late, they’re dead now Thomas, and soon we’ll join them. It’s too late.” Alex mumbled mostly to himself. Flashbacks and a panic attack both hitting hard all at the same time. Alex rocked back and forth on the ground. Thomas was running out of ideas fast, and knew Alex was getting worse every second he stayed out here, cold, on the ground, getting more and more soaked by the second. Thomas quickly found himself pissed off at the rain, and himself for not listening to his mom. His wet shirt and useless glasses started pissing him off so he tore off his glasses and shoved them in his pocket followed by tearing his shirt off and throwing it over his shoulder. Thomas then scooped up Alex and booked it back to the house. 

Even running as fast as he could it took a good ten minutes to get back to the house and by then Alex was shaking and had stopped talking altogether, the only noise coming from him was shallow, uneven breaths. 

Thomas stumbled into the house, still carrying Alex and was very thankful to see his mom in the hallway. 

“Mom!” Thomas said loudly, catching her attention.

“Thomas?” She turned around. “Oh dear you guys are drenched, and Alex, is he okay?” She asked, panic growing on her face. 

“He really doesn’t like storms. He grew up in the Caribbean and when he was seventeen a hurricane destroyed his town, he was one of few who didn’t drown. He hasn’t handled any storms since then very well. At first he was panicking saying we needed to get back to the house and was pulling us both toward the house, then he stopped and started saying we were gonna die, then he just stopped talking completely.” Thomas said in a breath or two. “He was or maybe still is having a panic attack.” 

“Oh dear.” She said. At that moment Mary came out of the family room probably to see what was going on.

“Oh my god, Thomas is Alex okay?” She asked.

“No. He has bad experiences with storms. He is, I think, still having a panic attack not to mention we are both beyond soaking and cold, I took my shirt off because it was useless. Alex is shaking, I can feel it.” Thomas said.

“Okay. Mom, go get Laf, maybe Herc too and then get towels and blankets and stuff.” Mary instructed.

“Of course.” Jane said and rushed off. 

“Thomas have you ever dealt with any of Alex’s panic attacks like this?” Mary asked.

“No. The closest I’ve gotten is when it was raining on the drive down or when he realized he forgot his meds.” Thomas said and held Alex a little tighter.

“Okay.” She said. “Lafayette and Hercules have known him longer, yes?” 

“Yes we have.” Laf said coming from the family room, Hercules not far behind him.

“Have you guys helped him through these attacks before?” She asked. “I’m a doctor but, I don’t often deal with panic attacks or mental illnesses.” She explained. 

“Yes. We’ve both helped him with many.” Herc said. 

“Eleven years worth of them to be exact.” Laf added.

“Okay good. I'll leave this to you guys then.” Mary said.

“The attack started when that first thunderclap was heard, so it’s been around 15 or twenty minutes maybe?” Thomas said. “At first he was ‘come on we gotta get back to the house’ then he switched to ‘they’re all dead and soon we’ll join them’ then he’s just been silent.” Thomas explained worried about Alex.

“Sounds like he’s near the end, and just kinda needs to be brought back.” Herc said mostly to Laf, who hummed in agreement. “Laf wanna go get Alex some warm dry clothes? Maybe stuff of ours or Thomas’s so that everything is big and not tight?” Herc suggested. 

“Of course.” Laf said and dashed off upstairs, just as Jane returned with lots of towels.

Thomas then put Alex down, and Alex just kinda leaned against Thomas, not that the taller man minded. He took a towel and wrapped it around Alex, and then added his arms to the things wrapped around him. Herc came close and started gently whispering things to Alex.

Laf returned soon with a black muscle shirt that neither him or Thomas knew the true ownership of, a pair of Laf’s sweat pants and a navy blue hoodie he had gotten while on vacation a couple years ago. That way Thomas still had warm clothing to change into.

“Thanks Laf.” Thomas said. 

“No problem. I can go grab you some stuff too if you want.” Laf offered. 

“Please? Just my black jogging pants, the dark green Reebok hoodie and My Purple Hoodie please and thank you.”

“No problem.” Laf said and dashed back off upstairs. 

Thomas could feel Alex’s breathing steady the more Herc spoke to him which made Thomas feel a bit better about the whole ordeal. He gently rubbed Alex’s back and the Scotsman calmed down even more. 

Alex had come down from the panic attack completely by the time Laf got back with the clothes for Thomas.

“Thanks so much Laf.”

“No problem.” Laf brushed it off.

“Alex wanna go get changed?” Thomas asked.

Alex nodded against Thomas’s bare chest.

“Okay.” Thomas said and grabbed their clothes the towels his mom had left them with and brought them to the main floor bathroom. He sorted through the mess of clothes and found what was meant for Alex 

“Just, just come in here with me.” Alex said after a couple seconds of just standing looking sad and wet, while watching Thomas struggle.

“Are you sure?” Thomas asked.

“Yeah. It’s fine. Also I’m really cold, and I can’t really feel my fingers so I might need some help.” Alex admitted.

“Okay.” Thomas said and came into the bathroom. He put everything on the counter. “Are you really that cold?” He asked as he took a moment to sort through everything.

“Yeah. I get cold fast, you did keep me fairly warm though.” Alex explained. 

“That’s good.” Thomas said. 

Alex started to try and fumble with the zipper on his hoodie, Thomas didn’t even watch it for three whole seconds, before intervening. He took over pulled down the zipper with ease and pulled Alex’s wet sweater off the smaller boy’s body. Thomas didn’t even bother to allow Alex to try unbuttoning his shirt, automatically doing it for him. Thomas helped Alex wriggle out of the shirt both of them now shirtless. Alex’s chest wasn’t as well sculpted as Thomas’s but his stomach muscles were nicely formed and Thomas couldn’t help the blush that spread across his face.

“I used to work out lots, but the past couple months I’ve really let that slide. I don’t look much at all like what I did a couple of years ago.” Alex admitted quietly. “You on the other hand, well, damn.” Alex blushed after he added the comment. Alex then shivered a little bit. Thomas pulled him into a hug, Thomas’s large frame wrapping around Alex’s much smaller frame. The two fit together perfectly.

“Hey, I fucking love the way you look just how you are. You’re perfect just the way you are. I mean, if you want to start working out again, I wouldn’t be opposed, hell I’d love to work out with you, but don’t feel you have to.” Thomas told Alex, as he started to dismantle Alex’s bun.

“Thanks Thomas.” Alex mumbled, as he struggled to fight with the button on his jeans. “I just need help with this one last thing.” Alex said quietly. Thomas nodded. And undid the button as well as the zipper before turning to give Alex a little bit of privacy. He took the time to strip himself of his own wet clothes, he used a towel to dry himself off, and then pulled on the jogging pants and the green sweater he’d asked Laf for. He also made sure he yanked the ring and his glasses from his pocket and zipped them into the pocket in his jogging pants. He then turned back to Alex who was about to pull on Laf’s sweater.

“Did you want my purple one instead?” Thomas offered, like he’d been planning.

“Ye, yes. Please.” Alex answered nervously.

Thomas gave him the sweater and Alex pulled in on and hugged himself tightly for a second before wrapping a towel around his wet hair. Thomas carefully dried his hair, knowing that if he didn’t properly dry it now it’d dry and be a mess or it wouldn’t dry.

“Ready to go face everyone?” Thomas asked.

“Not yet.” Alex said and wrapped his arms around Thomas, hugging the taller of the two and not caring that Thomas was still drying his hair. 

“Okay. You can stay until I finish drying my hair, then we’ll go out together.” Thomas said.

“Okay.” Alex mumbled into Thomas’s chest.

Once Thomas’s hair was dry and all the wet clothes and towels were rounded up they left the bathroom. Thomas stopped and shoved them down the laundry chute before leading Alex to the kitchen for some warm drinks.

“Dry now?” Jane asked when she saw them enter the kitchen.

“Yes.” Thomas said.

“Okay. Both of you go curl up in the family room. I’ve left blankets there and I’m making you boys hot chocolate and I’ll bring it to you when it’s ready. Go.” She told them.

“Your mom really likes taking care of people.” Alex said.

“She really does.” Thomas agreed.

In the family room, Laf, Herc, Mary, and Anna were all waiting to make sure Alex and Thomas were okay. Meanwhile Peter was somewhere else.

“Are you guys okay? I heard you got stuck in the storm.” Anna asked.

“We’re okay now.” Thomas answered.

“A little shaken up and a lot of cold, but okay.” Alex added.

“I’m not really that cold anymore.” Thomas said with a shrug. 

“Screw you.” Alex scowled.

“Are you sure you wanna do that?” Thomas asked, mostly out of habit, he then realized what he’d said and was about to apologize when Alex playfully smacked Thomas, while still scowling.

“You’re such a shit.” Alex teased playfully.

On the other side of the room Laf, who was sitting next to Herc, turned to his husband. “Do you see that?” Laf asked in a whisper.

“Yeah, Alex is being a bit of a feisty little shit.” Herc mumbled back like it was nothing. “Holy shit!” Herc realized what was happening and what he’d just said. “Alex is being a feisty little shit!” Herc whisper shouted, laughing at it with happiness and excitement.

“It’s not much but I haven’t seen him like this since before John. Herc I think he’s finally truly getting better.” Laf had to fight back tears of joy.

“Maybe our feisty little lion didn’t die with John.” Herc smiled.

“Le petit lion est de retour. Notre petit lion est de retour.” Laf exclaimed.

_ The little lion is back. Our little lion is back. _

Herc nodded in agreement, not knowing what exactly Laf had said, but it was something about little lion being back so he agreed. “It makes me so happy to see that. To see Alex acting even just a little like his old self.”

“I know. I never thought I’d be so happy to see Alex hit Thomas.” Laf chuckled.

“Maybe I am a shit, but at least I have the right political views.” Thomas said to Alex.

“Uh, no. You’re political views are just wrong Thomas.” Alex shook his head.

“Says you.” 

“Thomas, when you have the right political views, I will drop down dead.” Alex deadpanned. 

“Then I pray to god that I never have the right political views.” Thomas smirked.

“Oh my god. Thomas. Your political views suck so bad,” Alex said.

“Pff. Try saying that to yourself.” Thomas shook his head.

“Thomas’s political views suck Alex.” Alex told himself. “Yup, I agree.” 

“You little smartass.” Thomas scowled.

“I am very smart why thank you Thomas.” Alex smiled.

“Shut up.” Thomas laughed.

“Mhm. Make me.” Alex smiled cockily.

“Oh my god shut up.” Thomas said and pulled Alex in for a kiss.

Laf looked at Herc, and although Laf didn’t need to see Thomas kissing Alex, it made him happy. “Alex really is getting better.” Laf smiled.

“He really is.” Herc echoed.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive! It's a miracle. I'm so so sorry for not posting but I'll try to be better.
> 
> This chapter is mostly fluff, with some slight sexual humor, don't worry though. I don't write porn. Enjoy

Once Alex and Thomas calmed down, and got settled in with their hot chocolate Anna put on a movie and turned up the volume to drown out the noise of the storm outside. Alex managed to stay awake through the whole movie and some chatter after but at that point he was pretty tired. Him and Thomas went back to Thomas’s room. Once in the room Alex flopped down on the bed, just ready for sleep. Thomas chuckled and shook his head.

“Your hair will be awful to deal with in the morning if you don’t do something with it.” Thomas told his boyfriend.

“I know.” Alex admitted. “But I’m tired.” Alex whined.

“Want me to do something with your hair?” Thomas offered.

“Yes please.” Alex said. He couldn’t say no to someone offering to do his hair, he liked it too much to ever pass up an offer.

“Okay.” Thomas said and grabbed the stuff. When he came back Alex was sitting up waiting. Thomas sat down behind Alex and started brushing his hair.

“You know, I really do love it when you leave your hair down.” Thomas said. “Or how you put it up in a bun earlier. I, just, really love your hair.” Thomas said.

“Yeah?” Alex asked.

“Yes. I love the length and how silky it is and how it looks red in the sun.” Thomas went on.

“I’m glad you like my hair so much.” Alex chuckled.

“I don’t just like your hair. I like your hair, and your smarts, and your face, and your personality, and just the entirety of Alexander Hamilton. All 5 feet and 5 inches of it.” Thomas said.

“Even the political stances?” Alex asked, teasingly.

“Well, not exactly. But I’ve accepted that those aren’t gonna change.” Thomas said.

“Damn right they aren’t changing.” Alex said. “And I guess that I can, accept, that your horrible, horrible, opinions aren’t gonna change.” Alex shuddered a little at the thought.

“Wow. Thanks.” Thomas said sarcastically.

“You’re welcome.” Alex smiled not that Thomas could see it.

Thomas sighed and shook his head a little as he finished braiding Alex’s still slightly damp hair. “Okay I’m done.” Thomas said.

“Yay!” Alex said and slumped over. Thomas chuckled and put the brush on the bedside table. He plugged in his phone, and Alex’s, which had been left there thankfully. He then remember the ring in his pocket. _Screw it. Give it to him now._ One of the voice’s in Thomas’s head told him. He thought for a minute. He laid down beside Alex and pulled him close, so they were spooning.

“Hey Alex?” Thomas said.

“Yes?” Alex mumbled sleepily.

“Will you promise to marry me, when you’re ready?” Thomas asked.

“Yes.” Alex answered with a similar sleepy mumble.

“Really?” Thomas asked.

“Yes, Thomas.” Alex continued to respond in mumbled, short answer, sleepy mumbles.

“Can I give you a promise ring then?” Thomas asked.

“You have a promise ring just laying around?” Alex asked with the same mumble.

“In my pocket. I’ve had it for a couple days now. I was looking for the right time to give it to you.” Thomas explained.

“Wow. Uh, sure.” Alex agreed, somewhat nervously. He turned around and Thomas slid the black metal band onto Alex’s finger. The ring was a black brushed titanium band with a polished line in the center. It was beautiful and Alex loved it. “Oh Thomas! This is wonderful! It’s so beautiful. I love it. Thank you. I love you.” Alex said, he leaned closer and kissed Thomas.

“I’m glad you like it.” Thomas smiled. “You know what I really liked today?” Thomas asked.

“Hmm?”

“Besides how fucking cute you were for our date, I really liked seeing Feisty Alex earlier. I mean, I love you no matter what, but I haven’t seen you feisty in so long, it was a nice change.” Thomas said. “And I think Laf and Herc liked it too.” He added, recalling the two whispering to each other and smiling over at Alex, Laf almost had tears in his eyes.

“I, I didn’t even really notice anything. I was just being myself, I wasn’t trying to do or be anything.” Alex shrugged.

“And that makes it even better. You were behaving like your old self, and you didn’t have to make an effort to do so nor did you even notice, you were just happy and you and that was more than enough to make me so happy and proud of you.” Thomas explained.

“I guess, I just finally felt okay. I felt happy. Just in that moment, I didn’t feel like being sad, so I just didn’t be sad.” Alex said.

“Well, I really like not sad Alex. Do you think not sad Alex could hang around a little more?” Thomas chuckled.

“Not sad Alex will try.” Alex smiled. He then curled up close to Thomas’s chest and fell asleep. Thomas smiling at the man’s soft snoring before falling asleep himself.

The next morning Thomas woke up alone. He looked around and didn't see Alex anywhere. He reached for his phone to check the time. It wasn't too late nor too early and Alex’s phone was still sitting on the table. Thomas quickly got up and dressed, noticing that Alex’s computer was missing from his bag. He headed downstairs to find Alex. He eventually found the Scotsmen in the kitchen with a cup of coffee and his computer open, but it was clear he was taking a break because he was sipping coffee and staring off into space.

“Hey. I see you found the coffee.” Thomas said as he went to grab himself a mug.

“It probably took more work to find and make than it was worth, but then again. It's coffee.” Alex said.

“Ha. How long have you been up?” Thomas asked.

“An hour or two I think.” Alex said, he shoved his glasses back on his face and checked the time. “Three hours.”

“Alex, it's 9:30. Who the hell wakes up at 6:30 while on vacation?” Thomas asked.

“Not sad, old self Alex, that's who.” Alex answered.

“Wait, really?” Thomas asked. “I know that you can be a total workaholic but still. How does someone do that? Why does someone do that? Do you really get up this early all the time?” Thomas asked.

“Yup. He only sleeps like a normal person when he's sick.” Laf said coming into the kitchen still looking half asleep.

“It's true.” Alex said.

“That, that can stay changed.” Thomas said.

“Haha. Nope. It's all or nothing.” Alex told him.

“Damn.” Thomas said and shook his head.

“Oh, Laf, look what Thomas gave me last night!” Alex said and held his hand out.

“It’s a,” Laf prompted.

“Oh. It's a promise ring. I love the look of it so much.” Alex explained.

“It looks very nice, mon chou. Thomas has good taste.” Laf said.

_It looks very nice, my cabbage._

“Yeah. It was funny though. I didn't remember what it was for for a couple minutes when I woke up this morning. Thomas, I love ya, but promise me you won't propose to me when I'm half asleep, or drunk, or something?” Alex asked.

“Of course not. I'm not a savage.” Thomas said.

“Are you sure?” Alex teased.

“I love you but turn it the fuck down Hamilton.” Thomas said.

“Hamilton? I've been demoted back down to Hamilton?” Alex asked, careful to show no emotion.

“Alex, I'm sorry. I am so sorry, you're right that was rude and mean.” Thomas went into panicked apology mode.

“Apologize to yourself Thomas because I've got you fucking pussy whipped.” Alex smirked evilly.

“Oh, you little devil!” Thomas said. He jumped from where he was standing to go chase Alex.

"Oh my god. GET A ROOM!” Laf exclaimed loudly in an exhausted, ‘I’m so done with today’, tone.

Alex and Thomas stopped and stared at Laf.

“If you guys can’t figure out why I’ve said that you then you really are children.” Laf said shaking his head. He then took his drink and the one he’d made for Herc and left the kitchen. Alex was blushing a bit, and so was Thomas.

“Let’s just forget that happened?” Alex asked, blushing even harder.

“He’s got a point but yes, let’s forget about that.” Thomas said still blushing.

It was another uneventful day, other than Jane already preparing some food for tomorrow’s feast. Jane, Mary, and Anna all gushed over Alex’s ring and the story behind it.

After dinner Jane asked to talk to Alex alone. He internally panicked but just put on a smile and agreed. Once everyone had left the dining room Alex helped Jane get all the dishes to the kitchen.

“Alex, I just wanted to say, I really like you. My son has brought home a lot of people, mostly very trashy girls, over the years, but you’re not like any of them. You are a good person and I think you’ve changed Thomas for the better. He was a decent person before, but now he seems so much happier. I just want you to know that everyone here really likes you and whenever you are ready, we’d love for you to be part of the family.” Jane told Alex.

“Wow. Um. I don’t really know what to say. I’ve never really done, _this_ , before.” Alex said nervously.

“What do you mean?” Jane asked.

“We’ll my previous husband, his family was from South Carolina and his dad was kinda important down there, and his dad wasn’t all that accepting of John and therefore was a lot less accepting of me. His older sister liked me enough, but I’ve never been told that someone would love for me to join their family so I’m kinda at a loss for words.” Alex explained.

“Oh. I’m sorry, that John’s? family wasn’t accepting.” Jane said.

“It is what it is, I guess.” Alex shrugged.

“You must miss him.”

“Almost everyday. He was everything to me. I’d been with him since a couple months after I moved here.” Alex told Jane, who then looked confused. “I moved here when I was 17 from the caribbean, I was born and raised there, if you could call it that.” Alex added on the end bit quietly. Jane looked at him. “My dad left when I was ten, then a couple years later my mom died and I ended up on my own. A family friend kinda took me in, but it wasn’t an ideal situation. I worked hard, and then after a hurricane destroyed the town I wrote this poem thing and the people of the town donated money and sent the writing places and I got a scholarship and money to move here and I did.” Alex told her.

“Oh dear, you just can’t seem to catch a break, huh?” Jane asked.

“Not really, but I’ll survive. I have survived this long.” Alex shrugged.

“Well, just know that even if Thomas isn’t there for you, I am. I love you as much as I love my own children.” Jane told Alex.

“Really? Wow. Thanks.” Alex said he couldn’t think of anything else and was focussing on not crying.

“No problem.” Jane said with a smile.

The two talked for a while longer before Jane told Alex to go find Thomas. He smiled and agreed.

Thomas was sitting on the bed, in sweat pants, and no shirt. He had his glasses on and was reading.

“What’cha reading?” Alex asked when he came in.

Thomas jumped a little before realizing it was Alex. He held the book up for Alex to see.

“Nice.” Alex said as he pulled off his clothes.

“I’ve read this book probably a million times, yet every time, it’s a little bit different. I really like that about this book.” Thomas said.

“I like books like that too.” Alex said as he yanked on a pair of sweats himself. He then crawled onto the bed and curled up with his head resting on Thomas’s lap.

“I think I’m beginning to understand why Lafayette and Hercules call you petit lion.” Thomas said. Alex shrugged.

Thomas played with Alex’s hair and read for a while longer before putting his book down and pulling Alex closer before going to sleep himself.

Alex woke up first again, but this time it was later, so Alex waited in bed and played with Thomas’s hair carefully. Alex didn’t pull his fingers from Thomas’s hair until Thomas began to stir.

“Good morning sleepy head.” Alex said.

“Just because you wake up earlier than the rest of the human race,” Thomas mumbled.

“You are so peaceful when you’re sleeping, not so much when you’re awake.” Alex chuckled.

“The same can be said about you, ya know.” Thomas said, still not showing any sign of wanting to get up.

Alex chuckled. “Come on get up.”

“Noooo.” Thomas whined.

“Yeees. It’s already 9am.” Alex said.

“Oh my god, Alex. Go back to sleep. It’s too early.” Thomas groaned.

“Nope. We are both gonna get up. Come on.” Alex said. Thomas didn’t respond just pulled himself further under the covers. “Would you get up if I promised to kiss you?” Alex offered the bribe.

“Maybe.” Thomas said.

“Come on, if you get up, I’ll kiss you, but if you don’t then no kisses for you.” Alex threatened. Thomas groaned but sat up and scowled at Alex, who moved so he was sitting in Thomas’s lap facing him.

“Thank you.” Alex said and kissed Thomas. Thomas kissed him back. Alex pulled away after not too long and Thomas let out a small whine.

“I said a kiss. That was a borderline make-out session.” Alex said.

Thomas frowned and got up. “You are such a fucking tease.” He complained. Alex chuckled and went to shower.

The rest of their time at Monticello was good and Alex only seemed to get better and better, sure another storm did scare him a little but in the family room, it could barely be heard nor could it be seen so Alex was okay.

After a week of being there, on Sunday morning everyone had packed up and was heading home. Jane had begged Alex, Thomas, Laf, and Herc, to stay just one more night, but Thomas and Laf had work. And not that Jane knew but, Alex had a late-night, Dr. Robins pulled some strings, therapy session that Alex couldn’t miss seeing as how much work it had caused Dr. Robins.

After many somewhat tearful goodbyes and lots of hugs Thomas and Alex were on the road headed home.

“Your family is amazing Thomas.” Alex said.

“Yes, and they love you a lot. More than anyone else I’ve ever brought home.” Thomas said.

“Yeah your mom told me that.” Alex chuckled.

“So you’ve got that therapy session tonight?” Thomas asked.

“Yes. I had to pull some strings and Dr. Robins only agreed to do it because it’s been so long since the last one. If she is happy with the change though, I might be able to return to work tomorrow. Go home.” Alex said. “I love Laf and Herc but I’ve been staying with them for too long.” Alex said. “Especially considering I haven’t been working much so can’t repay them all that much. At least not yet.” Alex explained.

“I understand the wanting to go home thing, but if Laf and Hercules didn’t want you staying with them, they wouldn’t’ve offered.” Thomas told Alex.

“I know, but still. I do have a personal code of ethics and this has gone against it a lot.” Alex said.

“I’m sure it’s fine. I hope you can come back to work though. John Adams has taken over a lot of the projects you’d usually do, and well, let’s just say it’s not ideal.” Thomas said.

“I’m gonna have to redo everything.” Alex said.

“Most likely.” Thomas told him.

“God, we need more people in that office that are on the right side of politics.” Alex said. “I mean there’s multiple people but me and John Adams are the only ones who are higher up.”

“Hey, it’s only me and James Madison as high ups on our side of politics.” Thomas said.

“Well at least James Madison can see the correct side, and he actually does his work and he does it right.” Alex said.

“I guess.” Thomas said.

“Remember when George left for vacation and left John in charge and things pretty much fell to shit and the only thing that saved all of our jobs was Madison by telling Washington everyone had gotten sick and then used what he was suffering with as proof saying he was still sick.” Alex said.

“John barely came to work so you wrote him that nasty email and posted it all over the office and you and me basically took over but we were at each other’s throats constantly. I remember.” Thomas smiled.

“We almost got caught because some intern had kept a copy of the email and she had to lie and say it was something she’d wrote to an ex or something.” Alex chuckled.

“I remember. James was so angry with her. Well, angry for James Madison.” Thomas said.

“I really hope I can come back to work.” Alex said.

“Me too.”


	13. Chapter 13: The Final Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized there was only this left after posting chapter 12 so I decided I'd just post this and finish it so please enjoy this.

Alex was excited and nervous for his therapy session and was glad he didn’t have to wait at all for it to get started.

“So, how have you been this week?” She asked.

“Well, it started out not so good, I forgot my meds but we figured that out. Thomas’s sister Mary is a doctor so I told her what I needed and she was able to write me a prescription. I was kinda nervous but I just calmed down and made sure I took my meds, me and Thomas were joking and Mary’s fiance Matt, lost it screaming at me that wasn’t much fun, I got lost in the house and hid and cried in the library and only wanted to talk to Herc and so Thomas lost it on Matt and beat him to a pulp or so I heard. Then the next day Thomas took me on a walk through the gardens and we got caught in this storm and I had a really bad panic attack but once I got inside and dry and in warm clothes I was okay and without much thought to it or effort I started acting like my old self again, Thomas, Lafayette, and Hercules can all tell you that. And then later that night Thomas gave me a promise ring, he had wanted it give it to me on the walk but that didn’t work out and he ended up giving it to me once we were in bed and it was really nice.” Alex was speaking very quickly but paused to show Dr. Robins the ring. “And Thomas’s family really liked me and it was actually a really good week.” Alex said the last bit not quite as fast as the first chunk. 

“Wow. It sounds like it was an interesting week.” She said.

“It was good. I’ve actually been feeling a lot better.” Alex said.

“I’m glad, but I do have a few concerns.” 

“What are they?” Alex asked.

“Well Thomas to be honest, things seem to be moving pretty fast with you guys and I was just wondering, Thomas, he isn’t a replacement for John, right?” Dr. Robins asked.

“What! Of course not. Mine and Thomas’s relationship is very different from the one I had with John. My love for Thomas is different than the love I had for John.” Alex said. “I kinda detest that statement actually. Just because I’m moving on relationship wise doesn’t mean I’m just trying to replace John.” Alex said.

“Okay. Now the other question, Thomas, he isn’t pressuring you into anything is he? He hasn’t taken advantage of your somewhat vulnerable state to get things from you? I mean, it’s only been a couple weeks since you started dating him and it’s only been an extra six days or so since you attempted. He isn’t pressuring you into anything, is he? He didn’t pressure you into taking the promise ring? He hasn’t pressured you about other things like, sex perhaps?” She asked.

“Never! I took the ring willing with much joy and just for your information we haven’t had sex yet! We haven’t because he says he doesn’t want to pressure me into doing something I’m not ready for! He isn’t at all taking advantage in anyway, our relationship is a very healthy one thank you very much.” Alex said growing bitter. 

Last week these questions wouldn’t have had such an effect on Alex, at least he wouldn’t have taken so strongly to denying things, which is what Dr. Robins was looking for. “Okay, I just had to double check. I already spoke to Lafayette on the phone about how much you seem to have gotten better this last week and I think you’re ready to try working again. And when you’re ready you can move back home, but do try to spend time with friends or Thomas. He seems to make you very happy.” Dr. Robins told Alex.

“Really? Wow. Um, wait weren’t you like, anti-Thomas like, 30 seconds ago?” Alex asked.

“I wanted to see how you’d react to those types of questions. You reacted in just the right way, Alex. I’ve seen how happy Thomas makes you. I’m glad you’ve found someone who can make you so happy.” 

“Oh. Okay. Well thank you Dr. Robins.” Alex said.

“You still need to visit me and don’t even think about going off your meds, but you can get back home and to work.” She instructed.

“Yes, of course. Thank you so so much Dr. Robins.” Alex said. He had never been so excited when leaving a doctor’s office before. Thomas was waiting for him.

“Thomas! Guess what!” Alex said as soon as Thomas was in view. 

“What?” He asked.

“I can come back to work and I can go back home and Dr. Robins seems to be really proud of all the progress I’ve made this week!” Alex said.

“That’s awesome.” Thomas smiled. He picked up Alex and spun him around then ended the move with a kiss. “I can’t wait for work tomorrow.” He said.

“I’ll bring the coffee.” Alex said.

“I’ll wait very impatiently for the coffee.” Thomas responded. 

Alex smiled and him and Thomas left the hospital hand in hand.

Once Thomas dropped Alex back off at Laf and Herc’s he dashed upstairs to pack his things up, he loved his friends but he was ready for some time to himself.

He opened the apartment door and found Laf and Herc somewhat exasperatedly looking through laundry and unpacking their stuff.

“Hey guys?” Alex said it like a question because he was unsure how they’d react. 

“Hey.” Laf said.

“What’s wrong?” Alex asked.

“Oh, I just don’t understand how we’ve got so much laundry to do is all. Plus your stuff, mon dieu, tue moi maintenant.” Laf said.

_ Plus all your stuff, my god, kill me now. _

“Actually you don’t have to do my laundry.” Alex said.

“What do you mean? You aren’t gonna do it at Thomas’s are you?” Herc asked.

“Nah. I’ve got this place in mind it’s uh, the washer and dryer in my apartment.” Alex said with a smile.

“Wait, you’re going home?” Laf asked.

“Yup. Dr. Robins cleared me to move back home, and to start working again.” Alex said with an over enthusiastic amount of excitement in his voice.

“Congrats man.” Herc said.

“Yes, you must be excited to go home.” Laf said.

“Yes, I love you guys but I miss my own bed, my own shower, my own house.” Alex said.

“I’m just gonna admit, I’m not sad to see you go. We love you too but,” Herc trailed off.

“You feel awkward having sex with me in the next room?” Alex finished for Herc.

“A little bit yeah.” Herc admitted.

“Herc, do I need to kick you out and keep Alex instead?” Laf asked. “Alex, take as much time as you need to move back home, Herc loves having you here.” 

“I think I’m gonna head home tonight, I don’t think I wanna be around tonight considering whatever weird sex thing you guys have got going on.” Alex said, as he shook his head and headed to the guest room to the grab the stuff he had in there.

He drove his car home and was for the first time in a long time excited to be here. He went in and unpacked then ordered some food and cleaned while he waited for it.

Something was wrong though. It just felt wrong. He was here all alone. He was all alone for the first time in a long time, and strangely he felt okay with it, all while hating it at the same time.  _ Is this what it’s like to be properly healing or almost healed, you can recognize the person’s absence and miss them without being sad? _ Alex sat confused while he ate his food. Eventually he couldn’t take it, he just didn’t know whether this was okay or not and he was lonely. He grabbed his phone and scrolled through his contacts, before selecting one, staaay_im_lonely.

please_give_me_that_pen_back: Hey, r u busy?

  | staaay_im_lonely: No what’s up?

please_give_me_that_pen_back: I’m lonely, I’m finally back to sleeping at my own house…

  | staaay_im_lonely: Oh. R u ok?

please_give_me_that_pen_back: I guess, it’s just kinda weird. I’m… almost okay with being alone? Like, I’m lonely and I miss John, but it...doesn’t hurt like before?

  | staaay_im_lonely: It means ur healing Alex. It’s a good thing

please_give_me_that_pen_back: I had hoped so. I’m finally allowed to go back to work and I don’t want anything to screw that up

  | staaay_im_lonely: I can imagine

please_give_me_that_pen_back: Gosh I’ve missed work so much

  | staaay_im_lonely: Only u would miss work so badly

please_give_me_that_pen_back: It gives me something to do! It’s fun! Work should be fun!

  | staaay_im_lonely: Work is fun, but not ur work

please_give_me_that_pen_back: Yes it is! It is very fun!

  | staaay_im_lonely: Whatever. How was the week with Thomas’s family?

please_give_me_that_pen_back: It was good and they were all very nice. Oh! And I’m sending u a picture of something

  | staaay_im_lonely: O...k?

Alex quickly took a picture of the promise ring on his finger and sent it to Maria.

please_give_me_that_pen_back: Thomas gave me a promise ring!

  | staaay_im_lonely: OMG YASS!

  | staaay_im_lonely: I’m so happy for u guys

please_give_me_that_pen_back: It’s only a promise ring

  | staaay_im_lonely: Ik but still!

please_give_me_that_pen_back: I guess

  | staaay_im_lonely: What’s the story behind it? Was there some gushy speech or??

  | staaay_im_lonely: I need details!

please_give_me_that_pen_back: We were just laying in bed the one night talking a little bit and he just asked if he could give it to me and I said yes

  | staaay_im_lonely: Aww!

  | staaay_im_lonely: I mean it’s nothing special but that’s what makes it so cute!

please_give_me_that_pen_back: I guess? Idk

  | staaay_im_lonely: Can I tell Eliza and Angelica and Peggy? Plz?

please_give_me_that_pen_back: Idc

  | staaay_im_lonely: Yay!

please_give_me_that_pen_back: Ttyl

  | staaay_im_lonely: Ttyl

Alex put his phone down.  _ So this is okay. This is healing. This is, good. _ Alex thought to himself.  _ Is it really healing, or are you just forgetting about John? _ The thought crept in.  _ No. This isn’t forgetting John, I still miss him, it just doesn’t hurt like it used to. John, John would be happy, that your moving on. _ Alex thought to himself. He nodded and finished eating. After cleaning up from eating, he grabbed his computer and emailed George Washington.

 

_ Mr. Washington, _

_ I’m glad to say that I’ve been cleared to work by my therapist and will be back at work tomorrow. If you’re unsure and have any questions I can give you her information so you can call her. I look forward to seeing you at work tomorrow. _

_ A.Ham _

 

He pressed send and went to do some laundry, when he came back there was a reply.

 

_ Alexander, _

_ First, enough with the formalities, we’ve known each other how long? Second, I’m glad to hear you’re returning to work, the office hasn’t been the same without you. And I trust your word when you say you’re allowed to return. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow morning. Come to my office when you get there so I can tell you what work you’ve got. _

_ George _

 

Alex smiled a little, then put his computer away and went to bed early.

Alex woke up early and with much excitement he got ready and left the house. He stopped and got himself a coffee, as well as one for Thomas, and one for George. Alex carried the coffees. He stopped in Thomas’s office first and it seemed that Thomas had just barely beaten him there.

“I promised coffee so I brought coffee.” Alex said when Thomas didn’t notice him standing in the doorway.

“Oh, Alex. I didn’t hear you. Thank you so much.” Thomas said as he took the coffee.

“No problem. Is Washington here yet?” Alex asked.

“No. He probably won’t be for another couple minutes or so.” Thomas said. “Why?”

“Well, I’m supposed to report to his office once we’re both here but also, we need to figure out rules for at work.” Alex said.

“What do you mean?” 

“Well, we probably should set up some rules for when we’re here at work so that we keep things mostly business and formal or whatever.” Alex said.

“Oh, so basically church and state?” Thomas asked.

“Yeah. I think here at work we should just behave like we always have at work and not hold back during debates.” Alex’s eyes widened at that. “That way we can debate here at work and not fight at home or when we’re off work. And we don’t bring work debates home, and we only talk about work outside of work if it’s absolutely necessary. And home or personal issues stay out of the office” Alex said.

“Sounds good.” Thomas said. “And if I break the rules you can just say church and state and I gotta stop and vice versa.”

“Sounds good.” Thomas agreed. “And just for formality last names in the office.”

“Aww, but Thomas,” Alex whined.

“Church and State, Hamilton. You set the rules, then we both gotta follow them.” Thomas said.

“Ugh fine.” Alex complained.

“Hey, let’s go out for dinner tonight, okay?” Thomas offered. “On me.”

“Okay. But it starts now. Church and State. No more being so nice, we aren’t a secret but we gotta act formal at work.” Alex said. Thomas stole a kiss.

“Now it starts.” Thomas said.

“See ya later Jefferson.” Alex said.

“Later Hamilton.” Thomas said as Alex left.

Alex went to George’s office and waited for him to get there. When George finally got there Alex was welcomed into his office immediately.

“I hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long. Traffic was a nightmare.” George complained.

“I really didn’t mind. After all I have missed lots so, I wouldn’t know where to start anyway.” Alex told George. “I got you a coffee.” Alex said and handed it to him.

“Thank you.” George said as he took the coffee. “Now, I know you’ve been cleared to work and I respect that but I’ve got to ask you some questions, it’s mostly just a formality. Protect the company and the state type thing. So take a seat and I’ll pull up the questions.” 

“Okay.” Alex said and took a seat in one of the chairs that faced George’s desk and put his bag and stuff on the other.

“So you’re feeling better now?” George asked.

“Yes. I’ve actually been feeling a lot better, and as Jefferson can tell you, I’ve been acting more like myself lately and I’ve really moved on and healed a lot since, a couple weeks ago.” Alex said.

“That’s good.”

“Yeah, it’s actually really good. I can now miss John and recognize his absence from our apartment without it hurting. I still love and miss him, it just doesn’t hurt much anymore.”

“That’s good to hear. I’m glad. I don’t actually even need to ask this, but do you feel you’re ready to resume your duties listed in your job requirements? Basically do you feel you’re ready to get back to work?” George asked.

“Yes. Very much so. I’m very excited to get back to work.”

“Okay. Do you need anything to help getting back to work easier?” George asked.

“I’ll probably need to be able to bring some work home, but other than that I think I’m good.” Alex said.

“Alex,” George said sternly.

“What? If I’m gonna catch up with my work I’ll need more than the amount of time I have in a typical work day.” Alex said.

“You can take multiple days to catch back up.” 

“And hold the whole office up because I’m back but I’m not really back?” Alex asked.

“Alexander, there’s a reason I don’t let you take work home. You know why I don’t like you taking work home, and even if you feel okay right now, what happens when I let you take home that work? Will you still be okay or will you fall back into self-destructive habits? I can’t risk it. You’re one of my star employees. I can’t lose you. Again.” George told Alex, tacking on the word again, he loved Alex like a son, but knew that Alex had kinda detested the idea of it.

“Sir, please. You could lock me out at 9pm and not give me access until 8am, just don’t limit it to my actual work hours please?” Alex asked.

“You’re locked out at 7:30pm like you used to be before John passed away, and that’s as late as I’ll go.” George said.

“I’ll take it and I won’t make you regret it sir.” Alex said.

“If that’s all, then here’s what you’ve gotta do.” George said and started giving Alex work to do. 

The day was dull and boring but it felt good to be back at work. 

Alex decided to leave at the same time as Washington so that George could see him leave. Alex snuck into the elevator and Washington smiled at him as he pushed the button for the parkade. At that moment Thomas too left his office, and headed for the elevator. Alex swallowed a little, realizing how awkward this was.

“Thomas, it was an easy day I assume?” George asked. 

_ Oh god. Not 30 slow floors of attempted small talk with my boyfriend and my boss who is also my boyfriend’s boss. Great. _ Alex thought to himself.

“Yes. Madison has done a fantastic job taking care of projects under our supervision.” Thomas said. “Everything is doing well and we are right on track sir.” 

“Good good. And uh, Alexander how was your first day back? A lot of work huh?”

“Lots of work but it’s fairly easy. Just finishing up things and editing what Adams did on projects under our supervision. It’s a fair amount of work but it shouldn’t take too much longer to complete so we should be back on track by Wednesday most likely.” Alex answered. 

_ How the fuck are we only down to the twenty third floor? Why is this elevator so slow? _ Alex thought.

“Good good. We’ve got some new projects coming in soon. Should I schedule a debate for Wednesday then?” George asked.

“You can schedule it for tomorrow if you wanted.” Alex got excited at the idea of debating. 

“Of course you want to get right to the debating. I’ll schedule it for Wednesday morning. We don’t want to throw you into the deep end too soon.” 

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

_ Just 15 more above ground floors then two underground floors, it’s gonna be okay. _

“Then that’s all I’ve got to say about work. Either of you got plans for tonight?” George asked.

Alex blushed a little then tried harder to hide it which only made it worse.

“Um, funny you should ask that with both me and Hamilton on the elevator, because we are going out to dinner, together. Because we’re dating.” Thomas said and then much like his boyfriend, wanted to die.

“Oh, well congratulations. I’m happy for you guys. I knew something was going on with all those coffees and everything. I’m glad you’ve found each other.” George now felt the awkwardness too.

“Sir I know you’re probably worried about the integrity and function of the office due to this news, but we’ve talked and we’ve set up our rules for Church and State. We aren’t going to drag our personal, outside-the-office lives into the office and we also won’t drag work into our personal outside-the-office lives. Nothing is going to change.” Alex said.

“Alright. Well I’m very happy for you guys.” George said and the rest of the elevator ride was silent. Once they got off George quickly went to his car leaving Alex and Thomas.

“Okay this is the only place where church and state can be broken and can I just say, work was okay until that elevator ride existed.” Alex said.

“I couldn’t agree more.” Thomas said.

“We’re still on for tonight?” Alex asked.

“Yes. I’ll pick you up around seven?” Thomas asked if that time was good.

“Yeah.” Alex said, not too enthusiastic.

“It doesn’t sound like seven is a good time. I’m flexible, and it’s not too fancy of a restaurant, so it’s whatever you want.”

“Can we push it back an hour? I get access to my work until 7:30 then I’m locked out and I need every second because I lied. Adams’s work isn’t gonna be the easiest to fix.” 

“That’s fine. Eight it is.” Thomas said. He gave Alex a quick kiss, then they went to their cars and went their separate ways.

Alex got in his car and decided he needed Herc or Laf’s help with this. This was his first real date and he wanted to look nice. Hell. He didn’t even know where they were going. He used the bluetooth to call Herc.

Hercules answered fairly quickly. “Hey Alex what’s up?” Herc asked, trying to sound cheery but Alex could tell he was scared.

“I need some help,” Alex started, and Herc jumped into panic before Alex could continue.

“What’s wrong? What’s going on? Where are you? Did you get in an accident? Are you feeling suicidal? Are people with you right now? Alex, I’m here for you.” Herc said in one breath.

“Herc, I’m fine. I just need help figuring out what to wear. On a date.” Alex said, butterflies in his stomach at the thought.

“Oh. Oh! I can definitely help you out. Where are you going?” Herc asked, his tone much more relaxed and happy now.

“Um, I don’t know exactly. It’s for food, it’s dinner, Thomas said that it wasn’t too fancy and that things were flexible but I don’t know.” Alex admitted.

“It’s okay. We can fix this. Just a second.” Herc said, Alex could hear Herc pull the phone away and call out for Lafayette, who he then instructed to text Thomas and figure out where Thomas was taking Alex. “Laf’s on it.” Herc said now into the phone.

“Thanks guys. I’m excited and nervous all at once. This is our first real date. My first real date since, well, let’s not talk about that.” Alex said.

“It’ll be okay. I mean, you and Thomas are pretty close already, there’s no awkwardness there. It’ll be fine.” Herc said. 

“Yeah, can you come over around 7? 7:30? To help me get ready?” Alex asked.

“Sure thing. See ya then.”

“Yup, bye.”

“Bye.” Herc said and ended the call.

Alex used the next couple hours to work on everything Adams had screwed up. In other words anything Adams did. At 7:15 Laf and Herc arrived.

“Okay so Thomas is taking you to this new steak house, it’s apparently very modern and not like most steak houses, but I have an idea of what you should wear.” Herc said and started helping Alex figure out what to wear.

Alex was ready with ten minutes to spare.

“Thank you guys so much. It means a lot.” Alex said as his friends got ready to leave.

“No problem. Tell us everything that happens, okay petit lion?” Laf made him promise.

“Yes I will tell you guys everything that happens now shoo. Thomas will be here soon.” Alex chuckled and his friends did too as they left. 

Alex waited the remaining ten minutes near the buzzer, which had taken some deciding. He hadn’t been sure whether to go wait down stairs or what, and decided to just wait in the apartment. He jumped a little the buzzer came alive with noise. He took a quick deep breath.

“Thomas?” Alex confirmed.

“You know it babe.” Thomas responded. The buzzer usually distorted voices but not badly enough that Alex couldn’t melt at the sound of Thomas’s voice calling him babe.

Alex hit the button to let Thomas open the door. He waited fairly impatiently by the door. Thomas knocked and Alex waited a second to open the door so he didn’t seem too eager.

“Ready to go?” Thomas asked.

“Yes.” Alex smiled. 

Alex quickly locked the door before turning back to Thomas, who then took the smaller man’s hand in his own, their hands fitting together in a way that was different from how it was with John, but perfect in it’s own way. Thomas smiled at Alex and the two walked down the hall towards the elevator, hand-in-hand, both completely and totally happy and nothing could ruin that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it, the end. I hope you enjoyed this feels trip, we've been on lots of emotional rollercoasters but we all survived, well, everyone but John... (I'm so sorry)
> 
> Seriously though this has been a six month project and I'm happy it's finally finished but at the same time I'm kinda sad, it's been one hell of a ride but I enjoyed it and I wouldn't have finished without your support and kudos and comments, I wouldn't have gotten this far without my ex (as much as it kills me, she did help and I'm doing my best to be civil) and my best friend who refuses to read stuff until it's finished and therefore was a huge motivating factor in finishing this. 
> 
> As far as future work goes, I don't have any Hamilton stuff as of right now but I do have some ideas, and I have some Be More Chill stuff I've been working on so if you're interested that's hopefully coming in a couple of weeks once my exams over. Okay, now I'm just stalling from studying. For now, until the next fic, Goodbye


End file.
